


I'll Be Your Home

by LaysPeach



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Blind Character, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Surfing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 09:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23848600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaysPeach/pseuds/LaysPeach
Summary: Jeno loves surfing and parties. He doesn't care much about anything else. When blind Huang Renjun is paired up with him in their Chemistry class, Renjun sees his true colors. But will darkness in his life shut out the one person who will love him for who he is?
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 34
Kudos: 149





	1. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who have seen the first 3 posted chapters, they were merged and reposted into one (1) chapter.  
>  _(With additional content! You might want to reread everything in this update ; >)_
> 
> **Renjun's POV**

"Alright listen up!" My professor yells from the front of my chemistry class.

"I'm going to pair you up, and number off a table. The tables go 1 to 19 and start at the right so I only hope you guys can figure it out. Go there and meet your lab partner. This will be your partner for the rest of the year so try to play nice. The lab instructions are over there for you to get started. By the end of next week, I expect a full 3-page paper report on the lab and I want the notes from my online lecture typed up, too. Okay! Here we go, listen for your name!"

I listen carefully from my spot at the back of the room but my name is called first.

"Huang Renjun and Lee Jeno, 1."

I stand up and fold my stick, walking over to the table carefully and slowly. Once I've found a smooth counter and stool to sit down, I wait patiently for my partner and pray I'm at the right table.

After a minute or so, a stool across from me scrapes against the floor and someone flops down.

"Hi, I'm Renjun" I say, politely outreaching my hand to shake.

"Jeno," my partner mumbles back, shaking my hand halfheartedly. I hear thumbs tapping on some hard surface...clicking. Oh, he's texting. I wonder if he has even looked up at me yet.

"Sorry, I had to text someone," he mumbles when the clicking stops.

"It's alright...we should get started though."

"Yeah," he trails off. "Um so what's with the glasses, are you super hungover? You have some fear of indoor lights?"

"No," I laugh lightly. "I'm blind."

I hear him chuckle under his breath. When I maintain a serious face and his laughter dies out, I can tell the truth has hit him.

"You're blind?!"

"Yup."

"Great," he mutters under his breath. "Alright, well I guess I'll be carrying us through the year."

"Don't be silly," I smile, pulling my heavy bag onto the counter. "I have plenty of fancy instruments. I'll take notes, you can look over them. This way you get to do the hands-on lab stuff and I get to do all the writing, sound good?"

He's silent and I hear his foot tapping on the floor while his pencil swishes through the air, moving back and forth between his fingers.

"Please, I won't disappoint, trust me," I plead.

"Alright, fine. We'll just try this out and see how it goes," he sighs.

He reads the lab sheet to me and I get started on taking notes while he spends the period doing lab prep.

By the time the 30 minute period's done, I'm not even halfway through the notes for our professor's online lecture. This is going to take a long time.

"Okay so," my lab partner clears his throat. "The lab prep's only halfway done. On Thursday I should finish, then next week we have a class lecture, but we should be able to get the lab done after that," he informs me.

"Okay, sounds good."

I pack up my things but we still have a few more minutes. I shift my head so I'm looking down and I fiddle with my fingers.

"Your glasses are so dark," Jeno observes.

"Oh...yeah, they're specially made so you can't see my eyes behind them."

"Why? What's wrong with your eyes?"

"Nothing besides the fact that they can't see. I just have them dark so people just don't feel awkward."

"Why would people feel awkward?"

"Well," I heave out a heavy sigh before going on. "If I were to take off my glasses right now, you could see my eyes, and their color, but I wouldn't be able to focus on you. I have no reaction to light. I don't know where to look, so I end up just looking like I'm dazing off, and it makes people feel uncomfortable."

"Oh," he says quietly as his pencil taps on the desk in front of us.

Another minute of silence passes.

"I—uh...I like your glasses," Jeno says.

I tilt my head to the side and find myself smiling. "Really?"

"Yeah, Ray-Bans, they're, uh—they're cool."

"Thanks."

Suddenly the professor's voice booms through the air officially ending our conversation.

"Class dismissed! I'll see you all bright and early on Thursday!"

I flash a smile across my table although I don't even know if my lab partner is even looking. I carefully unfold my stick and leave the classroom. For the first time in a long time, the feeling of excitement begins bubbling up in my stomach. I really like my Chem lab class and with Jeno as my lab partner, I don't think this will be a bad year.

It's easier to get to class on Thursday, I know where I'm going more than on Monday. Once I'm in the lab I sit down at my table and pull out my computer to continue on the notes. I'm deeply concentrated on the notes when Jeno's voice cuts through the silence.

"Hello," he says cheerfully. Too cheerful for 7 AM.

"Oh god, you're a morning person aren't you?" I tease playfully.

I hear him chuckle lightly.

"Oh no, I am not a morning person, trust me. But I've been up for a while so I guess I'm just...awake."

I tap into my senses for a second to pick up the clues around me. Something's hitting the table, no smaller than a raindrop. A familiar smell is close by but I can't quite put my finger on it. Taking a huge leap of faith, I ask, "Can I see your hand?"

"My hand?" He asks, sounding a little freaked out.

"I'm not going to do anything weird I promise" I smile, outreaching my own hand.

With a lot of hesitation, he finally puts his hand over mine. My fingers get to work feeling his palm and fingers, lightly brushing over his skin. They're rough and calloused, but cold. Specifically, the spot in his hand where the palm meets finger is calloused. So he's been gripping something, something rough...but also smooth? Causing slight cuts and...tiny burns. His hands are worn in, slightly cut up, so he does something with his hand. Maybe guitar? No, they're too rough. Carpenter? Yes. These are craftsman's hands but there's something else too.

_Plop. Plop._

Okay, something wet, it's falling so it has to be higher than his shoulders. It must be his hair. Suddenly the pieces of the puzzle click together and I smile feeling proud.

"You were in the ocean this morning," I say pulling my hands away from his. "And you...make or work on surfboards."

He's silent for a second and then I hear his swallow.

"Ah, yeah...you got it. That's like...freaky."

"Being blind has its perks," I shrug tilting my head back down to continue on the notes.

"Damn straight...I'm impressed."

For the remainder of the class, Jeno's up and about getting supplies and bringing them back to our table to prepare for the lab. I get about halfway through the notes and I'm making really good progress when Jeno flops down across from me.

"How's the note-taking going?" He asks.

"I'm about halfway through."

"Oh, okay. Do you think you'll get them done in time?"

"Yeah, don't worry," I smile reassuringly, "they'll be done in time."

"Class is dismissed!" The professor yells.

I slowly put my things back in my bag. "I'll—uh, see you next week?"

"Right... Monday's lecture. Thursday is when the lab begins, and then on the next Monday, the notes from the online lecture and the 3-page paper is due." He adds the last part just to make sure I remember, and it makes me smile.

"Right. Well, I'll see you then!"

No other response comes so I stand up and walk back home.

I stay up until the early morning, around 2 to 3 AM, finishing the notes. I can't print it out yet because Jeno still has to check it, but I feel confident that it'll get us an A.

Monday's lecture is long and difficult for me to keep up with. I type quickly and rely almost entirely on the autocorrect of my computer.

"Need some help?" A voice asks, sitting down next to me.

"Umm...Jeno?"

"Yup, it's me, you look stressed, is it too fast for you?"

"What—I...no. I'm fine. Thanks, though." I smile gratefully and tune back in.

"Really?" He whispers, his body pushing into mine.

"Yes," I whisper back.

"Well, you just spelled nucleophiles as neuro-files so..."

I pick my fingers up from the braille keyboard and groan.

"Fine, you try," I push the laptop in his direction, frustrated.

"Jesus, this thing looks like it's from the 1950s."

I snort a laugh and cover my mouth when the professor stops talking, probably to look at me.

"Well, at least it has the actual letters on it too. Why don't you just get a newer one?" Jeno whispers when the professor starts again.

"These things cost money you know," I smile.

"You have a job?"

"I do, but I mean, these things cost a serious amount of money."

He hums in understanding and types along to the lecture.

"Where do you work?" He asks after a few minutes.

"I'm an intern at a law company."

"You're thinking about going into law?"

"Yeah, I hope so."

"So why Chemistry then?"

"I guess it just called to me..." I shrug.

"Alright! That's all for today!" The professor yells. "Lab's tomorrow! Be ready!"

I hear Jeno put the test tube on the heat plate. The winding sound of the timer he's setting fills my ears. Once the acid is heated properly, I'll need to start on the paper.

"New tab," I say onto my headphone's microphone.

"Would you like to open a new tab?" The computer asks me.

"Yes," I respond in the microphone.

After a second, the formal woman's computer speaks through my earbuds. "New tab opened."

I find the braille keyboard and type in Google docs, pressing search.

"Would you like me to open your Google Documents account?" The computer asks.

"Yes," I respond.

"Google documents opened."

"Open a document."

"Would you like me to open a document?"

"Yes."

"That seems like a pain in the ass," Jeno says.

"You get used to it," I shrug, finding my keyboard to title the paper.

"Don't you get annoyed with all the repetitive yes's you have to say?"

"Not really," I shrug again.

I title the paper and write our names down underneath. "What's your last name again?" I ask.

"Why?" He asks clipped, almost... angry?

"It's for the paper."

"Lee."

"Thanks."

I type it up and we both sit in silence waiting for the timer to buzz.

"So why do you use a keyboard? Don't you have one of those Bluetooth things that you can just speak into?" He asks, this time sounding much less angry and more curious.

"Well, I used to. But sometimes it doesn't hear you properly and it types up the wrong thing. This way I can depend on myself."

"Right but...everyone makes mistakes. And I mean come on, especially you..." and there's the anger again. He must be having a hard day.

I look down, trying to hide the hurt etched over my face. We fall back into silence and I clear my throat careful not to show any sign of weakness in my voice.

"Whenever I have a project, something I have to type up, I do it, and then ask my neighbor next door to check it. She's always very kind to me and fixes my grammar mistakes. But she just moved...so I was hoping my lab partner would look over the paper, and fix whatever I messed up.

"Oh, right. Well, okay. I'll look over it when you're done."

Just then the timer rings for the test tube and I hear the clink of metal on the glass as Jeno removes the test tube from the plate.

"Okay well, it was clear sugar water, now it's brown, so that means that the heat caused the glucose molecules to convert to proteins, amino acids. But we still have to put the test chemical in."

"Go ahead, I'm gonna start typing."

After just a few minutes his voice cuts through my work.

"That's weird."

"What is?" I question, stopping my writing to give him my full attention.

"The chemical froze the solution."

"It did?"

"Yeah, it's crystallizing right now."

"So we have to find out what the chemical you put in is right?"

"Yeah. So what chemical in reaction to glucose would freeze?"

I move my computer to the side and rest my elbows on the table, putting my forehead in my palms.

"Wait, wait, I know this from somewhere. There was an experiment with frogs and when given the chemicals they would freeze, their liver would dump glucose into their system to try and keep their system alive and when the frogs thawed, they were revived."

"Okay, so what was the chemical they gave the frogs?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out, I can't remember. But I know the chemical from somewhere else too, something back home."

"We only have 10 minutes left in class and then I gotta dump the chemical."

"Okay, just...can I feel it?"

"I'm sorry, you want to feel it?"

"Yeah, let me touch the test tube."

I hear him scoff but when I hold my hand out and let my fingers linger in the air, he grows silent. Eventually, I feel the glass on my fingertips and I enclose my hand around the tube. As soon as I feel the cold of the substance, I drop it, then quickly move to clean it up.

"Shit," Jeno curses.

Before I can process anything else my mind is sent into a flashback. The last time I touched something that freezing.

"I know what it is," I think. As I'm reaching across the counter for paper towels, I'm bumped off of my stool and I trip into the counter. I feel the metal of the glasses slip from behind my ear and fall somewhere. It takes me just a second to regain myself.

"Jesus, I barely even bumped you," a female voice says next to me.

"Yeeun," Jeno sighs.

"What?! It's not like I need to apologize he could have caught the damn counter!"

"Well, that may have been hard to do considering he's fucking blind Yee," he scoffs frustratingly.

I push away from the counter and shake my head as if to shake away the loose gravel I feel rolling round in my brain. The next thing I register is my glasses.

"My glasses," I squeak out. I transition to my hands and knees to start searching the ground for them.

"What a freak," the girl says. "Why do you even stay partners with this boy?"

"Renjun here, let me help you up," Jeno says surprisingly gently.

"No, my glasses, please my glasses," I say frantically

"Renjun–"

"Don't—don't look at me...God, just...I need my glasses...please."

My hand patting around the floor finds the shape of my glasses and I pick them up with shaking hands. Quickly, I slide them on and feel my heart rate begin to slow down. I get up on my own and brush off my jeans.

Suddenly, the professor yells, "That's all for today! Clean up your messes, please!"

I back away from Jeno and my lower back bumps into the counter behind me. I feel around for my stick and eventually, find it, wrapping the handle around my wrist tightly.

"I'll clean up, you can go," Jeno says.

I nod and close my laptop, putting it inside my bag carefully.

"I'm sorry about the test tube, and about making a scene," I apologize lifting my head.

"Yeah, me too," he shoots back coldly, swiping up the glass with something.

I duck my head in shame and manage to speak out.

"The chemical is ethylene glycol...you might also know it as antifreeze."

He still says nothing but he stops moving.

"I'll finish up the notes and our paper tonight."

I wait for a response, but when I get none, I just slowly turn around and begin tapping with my stick.

I'm out of the building and halfway down the street when his voice calls out for me.

"Hey! Hey wait!"

I stop and turn around waiting for his running footsteps to approach me.

"I'm sorry," he says slightly out of breath. "I'm not on my A-game today, my girlfriend's on my ass and I kinda had a bad morning."

"She's the one...that was talking to you? Yeeun?"

"Yup, she's the one. Anyways, that's still no excuse. I'm sorry for being such a hardass earlier...I shouldn't have been such a dick, I'm not usually like that."

I steady my stick perfectly vertical, resting my hands on it, and resting my chin on my hands.

"So what are you usually like?"

"Well..."

The sound of nail scalp rings in my ears, he's running a hand through his hair? No, it's rougher...he's scratching the back of his head. He's nervous.

"I guess I'll just have to figure that out for myself, huh?" I say smiling and saving him.

"Yeah...uh...I guess."

I'm about to turn away again when he catches my wrist with his hand.

"Wait, you can come over to my apartment. For me to check the papers I mean."

"Oh, if you're okay with that, it would be great."

"Yeah, I live on Neo Street, in the apartment complex. My apartment's number is 127."

"Alright. Neo Street, 127."

"Wait...how will you get there?"

"I'll call a cab," I shrug.

"What if you go to the wrong apartment number?"

"It wouldn't be the first time," I laugh. "Don't worry, I'll figure out, I always have."

He seems to be considering this before he says, "I can drive you."

"Right now?"

"I mean...yeah...yeah, right now."

Now it's my turn to consider.

"....okay. But you're going to have to lead me to your car."

"Okay," he says lightly. I swear I can hear him smiling.

I fold up my stick and put it in my bag, then turn back towards Jeno. I grab his arm and hook my hand around it.

"Oh damn, I thought we were doing a piggyback ride," he teases.

"Not today," I laugh.

Very carefully, he begins tugging me along to his car. "Come on Electra, I'll walk you."

I swat his arm lightly. "Electra's not blind. That's Matt Murdock."

"Who?"

"You know...Daredevil?"

"Hmm...interesting. I'm pretty sure it's Electra."

"I have the comic at my apartment don't challenge me on this" I warn, laughing slightly.

He chuckles himself and then I feel his bicep squeeze against my hand lightly...unintentionally. I wait a few minutes as we continue walking in silence but he never talks.

"You want to ask me something..." I say outing him.

"How can you tell?" He asks. His vocal cords strain slightly. He's tilting his head towards me.

"You squeezed my arm slightly, unintentionally, that usually means the person has something to say or a question to ask."

"Okay, so you really are like a superhero then?"

"No, I'm no superhero..." I laugh. "It's just what happens. When you lose a sense your others become heightened. I can't rely on my eyes so the senses that I rely on most to get by are hearing and touch."

"So can you hear a conversation between other people if they're far away?"

"Define far away..."

"Like...across the parking lot."

"No, I'm not a superhero remember," I smile shaking my head.

"Right. Sorry."

"It's okay. So, what's your question?"

"Oh right, I was just wondering...they make comics in braille?"

"It's actually not braille...ironically enough, I used to read it before I became blind."

"You weren't always?"

"No, there was an...accident."

"What happened?"

"Okay there twenty questions, maybe we'll save that story for another day."

He chuckles, but let's go, thankfully.

"We're here."

He leads me to the passenger side and opens the door for me, helping me in. He takes the seat belt and stretches it across from me, clicking it in place, and retreating slowly.

"Thank you," I say softly, suddenly shy.

"You're welcome."

The car ride to his apartment is quick and quiet. He helps me out of the car and up the stairs. I hear him flip up a mat by the door where he must keep a key. Once the door swings open, he hangs in the doorway for a minute placing the key back, then he grabs my arm gently and leads me inside.

"Here's the couch," he says soon sitting me down on a soft cushion. I pull out my laptop immediately and begin opening up the notes when I hear a fridge open.

"Do you want something to drink?" He asks.

"I'll have whatever you're having."

"I'm having a beer, just so you know."

"Oh, well in that case I'll just have water," I smile getting back to work.

I'm about to start typing when my laptop clicks shut in my lap.

"You don't have to start right away, we can talk for a while," Jeno suggests softly.

The couch dips where he sits down next to me and he places a cold water bottle in my hands. I place my laptop to the side and turn towards him, untwisting my bottle. He doesn't let any silence fill the gap between us as he starts the conversation immediately.

"Aren't you 20?"

"I am," I nod taking a sip of the water.

"Why no beer then?"

"I just don't like it."

"You don't like the taste? Or you don't like what it does to people."

"Both," I shrug.

"Well hell, there's gotta be a story behind that right?"

"Nope," I shrug again. "Not really."

"So your parents just raised you that way?"

I almost spit out my water and I quickly bring a hand to wipe my mouth.

"No, that's not the case at all."

"Really? No 'don't drink or do drugs' lecturing mom?"

"Nope. I just believe that because honestly, I think it's stupid. And my mom died before I turned 5 so there weren't many of those lectures," I shrug.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he apologizes immediately.

"Don't be. It's not like the cliche where she was some great mom and I lost her in tragedy. She was horrible to me, and she was no angel, she was a heroin addict and she overdosed. She got what was coming to her."

"What about your dad?"

I scoff and fake a small laugh.

"He's no angel either," is all I respond with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! (If there are people waiting for this, aha 😅)  
> From today onwards, new chapters will be posted every day! :)


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Jeno's POV**

"What am I gonna do with you if you don't drink? You're missing out on the whole 'college experience' if you don't get wasted at least once at a party," I used my fingers to quote college experience when I realize that he can't see me do it.

"Um, well I don't think a blind boy should really be allowed at parties anyway," he laughs lightly. "I'm bound to run into at least...everyone in there."

"Hmmm...I guess we'll have to keep this strictly business then" I chuckle.

Okay, so maybe I'm flirting. But who the hell I could help it, he's hot. And I don't mean hot in that sexy, show-off kind of way. I mean he's beautiful, in a hidden sort of way. His hair is shiny. His skin is smooth and he has the nicest hands. No, I don't have some weird fetish with hands. I'm just saying when he held my hand that first day in Chem, I swear I got goosebumps all the way up my arms.

I would talk about how stunning his eyes are...but...haven't seen em. I have high hopes though, I saw a flash earlier when he was searching for his glasses. A blind boy...huh. He's different. A good kind of different. The kind that doesn't come around very often.

"So I guess, I should start learning braille huh?" I ask.

He almost spits out his water, for the second time this afternoon.

"I mean yeah, that would be great."

"I'm gonna need a tutor, think you're up for it?"

"Absolutely," he nods eagerly.

For the next hour or so I look over Renjun's very well written notes and fix little grammar errors here and there. While I do this, Renjun listens to music and wanders around my apartment, checking everything out carefully. It's quite distracting actually.

It almost frustrates me how damn annoying pretty he is just touching my metals from surfing.

"Alright, all finished," I say as I fix the last sentence's punctuation.

He doesn't hear me with his earbuds in so I say a little louder, "All done." 

No sign of response comes so I yell, "Renjun!"

"Were you saying my name?" He asks taking out his earbuds and turning around.

"Yes, I've been yelling your name," I chuckle. "I finished."

"Oh sorry," he giggles sweetly, "and thank you."

"'Course. You take really good notes."

"Oh...thanks," he blushes slightly. "I like your apartment."

"Yeah. What are those metals over there from?" He asks tilting his head behind him.

"Surfing. Just a few little tournaments in Hawaii and Australia."

"Wow. Aren't those like the big leagues or something?"

"Nah," I lie. "Easy peasy." For once it's nice to be seen as an actual person instead of  _ Lee Jeno _ , the  _ 'boy who made it big and then lost it all' _ .

"Alright well, I should probably be getting home. I'll call a cab."

"You want to stay for dinner?" I hear myself ask. What the hell Jeno, dinner?

"Oh, that's really nice but I have to pass. I sorta have a curfew, my dad's strict."

"Oh, well then I'll drive you home."

He nods thankfully and I guide him back to my car.

"So you live at home?" I ask pulling out of my spot in the lot.

"Yeah, it's just easier I guess. Again, a lot of money to get your own place."

"You ever thought about the campus dorms?"

"Yeah, but from what I hear, the environment's not exactly blind friendly."

"Oh, I see."

He gives me the address to his house and I plug it into my GPS. We ride the rest of the way in a strangely comfortable silence until I pull up to his house.

"I'll walk you to the porch," I volunteer once I've noticed that he lives in a small upstairs apartment.

I help him up the steps but then he cuts me off. "This is close enough, but thanks. Actually, thanks for everything today, I had fun."

"You walked around my apartment and groped my shelf trinkets," I chuckle.

This sends Renjun into a small fit of beautiful laughter.

"It was still fun just hanging out with you and talking too," he shrugs.

"Yeah, it was."

"So, I'll see you on Monday?"

"Yeah. You're growing on me Huang Renjun."

He smiles and bites his lip. "Okay."

"Bye."

"Bye," he calls waving to me as I walk back to my car.

I wait to pull out of the driveway until after I've seen him get inside safely. He does and I peel out, heading back home. As I pull back into my driveway my phone chimes with a text from my friend, Jaemin.

_ PIT PARTY AT SANDSPIT TONIGHT. YOU IN DUDE? _

A small smirk quirks my lips up.

_ I'LL BE THERE AT 10. _

"Babe! You made it!" Yeeun squeals running over to me and swinging her arms around my neck.

I wrap my hands around her hips and close in for a kiss. When I pulled away I search for the Pit for Jaemin. The Pit is kinda lingo for my group. Basically it's just the spot at the beach where frat boys host beach parties. They're always during the evening which kicks it up a notch. No swimming, skinny dipping.

"Hey man!" Jaemin yells to me from across the huge fire pit.

Yeeun latches against my side like a leech and I walk us over to my already drunk friend. He pounds my fist with his own and he shoves a beer in my hand.

"Who's the DJ tonight?" I yell to him over the loud music.

"Johnny hyung," he yells back pointing over to a very sullen looking Johnny hyung whose shaking his head at every bottle, can or a red solo cup of alcohol to come his way. I sigh with relief knowing that it's safe for me to get wasted. I set my beer down for a second to throw down two shots.

"Hey, I want you to meet someone," Yeeun whispers in my ear, pulling me away from the kegs of beer causing a frown to appear on my face.

"This is Lucas. He's surfing for SP World Tour next year. Pipe master," she introduces.

"Hey man," he says clapping hands with me. "It's an honor to meet you. Seriously, I hope to win the Regionals one day."

"I didn't win," I shrug. "I placed. Runner up."

"Second. Dude that's pretty damn good. You have sponsors?"

"Billabong, Quicksilver, Hurley, and Vans," Yeeun interrupts, speaking for me.

"Damn! How much cash are you making?"

"A lot!" Yeeun says again, emphasizing the word lot.

Lucas' eyes flick to Yeeun quickly in annoyance.

"Hey, babe could you grab me a beer pretty please?" I ask Yeeun.

She nods, pressing a wet kiss to my neck before sauntering off.

"So what was that all about dude? You're like Ariel or something?"

"Ariel?"

"Yeah, the little mermaid. She has no voice. Is your girlfriend your manager?"

"She just likes to boast, I guess."

"Hm. Well we should go hit the pipe sometime."

"Yeah, that sounds great. I'm nowhere near being retired yet," I chuckle. I notice a water bottle in his hand and my brows furrow.

"You don't drink?"

"Not beer, I quit and dropped twenty pounds."

"Really? That must have been hard, man. You sober now?"

He just shrugs. "I gotta be in the best shape of my life to win this bitch. Come on man, you should quit too. I know you've been training harder than ever since your accident. This will help."

I consider this for a minute then figure, fuck it why not?

"You know what, you're right. Starting now I'm 100% sober. Let's see if we can hit that pipe on Monday, sound good?"

"Yeah, training with the second-best surfer, damn. I'll take it and consider myself very lucky."

I almost flinch in disgust at myself when he says 'second-best'. I should have been one, but I fucked up.

"Here you go babe," Yeeun says handing me a beer as she wraps her hands around my neck from behind me.

"I'm quitting," I shrug.

"Really?"

"Trying to get back in shape."

"But, you already have a six-pack, so hard that it could cut someone," she whispers in my ear. She steps in front of me and trails her hands down my chest stopping at my stomach and pretending to hurt herself. "Ouchie!" she teases, kissing her fingertips and sliding them under my shirt.

I only realize that Lucas is still near us when I hear his scoff and he walks away, probably in disgust. If the roles were reversed, I'd probably be throwing up in my mouth, but hell, right now, it feels nothing but good.

Quitting drinking turns out to be a lot easier than I thought it would be. I don't miss it. I don't miss what it does to my mind, and I definitely don't miss what it does to my body. Alcohol is a depressant, so I guess that could be part of it. Either way, I'm beginning to come to my senses.

"Good morning," I mutter upon waking up to Yeeun redressing from last night's...activities.

She flashes me a halfhearted smile as she tries to get her feet back into her five-inch heels.

"Do you want to stay for breakfast?" I ask.

"Can't. I have to get to practice."

Yeeun is a dancer and a model. It's all part of her big dream to become a cheerleader. What does that mean? That means that she's hot, determined, but it also means that we're not even a real couple. I think I went on...one date with her? I think she's using me...or I'm using her. We're using each other.

For what...I'm not quite sure. Sex? Attention? I guess I'm starting to come to my senses about a lot of things and I'm slowly realizing, this isn't right. Yeeun...me... it's not going to help me win anything. I sigh as she looks in the mirror, plays with her hair a little bit, and walks down the hallway to the door.

"Hey, we should talk sometime soon," I call to her.

"K," was all she responds before slamming the door behind her.

I flop back down in bed and throw my forearm over my eyes. What to do today...I could go hit the waves? Or the gym? Maybe I'll visit my parents? Perhaps all of the above? That sounds good. Gym, then waves, then mom and dad, and then...maybe I'll go visit Renjun. I know where he lives now...maybe a surprise visit? Dinner? I feel a smile creep its way onto my face. Yeah, that sounds perfect.

I laugh as I get up from the couch at my parents' house and grab a water bottle from the fridge.

"Mom, I can't believe you won't just shut off the television for a second to talk to your own son."

"Shush," she scolds. "They're about to announce who's going to get kicked off," she scolds.

Ever since I arrived at my parents' house about forty minutes ago, my mom has been watching a new episode of her favorite show. I tried to sit through it. I really did but...I just can't. Apparently, she didn't record it she has to sit through it, commercials and all. I take my water to the dining table and sit down letting my mind wander to dinner.

"No! Not him!" My mom yells from across the room.

I burst out laughing and she whips around shooting me daggers. "It's not funny Jeno! He was one of my favorites!"

I throw my hands up in surrender and chuckle to myself pushing the front to legs of my chair off the ground.

My mother sighs and finally clicks off the TV. She comes up behind me and pushes the chair flat against the ground. "Don't do that hun, it scrapes the floor."

I roll my eyes and take a sip of my water as she leaves the room and heads to the laundry room.

"So what have you been up to lately puppy?" She yells to me from across the house.

I almost choke on my water after hearing what my own mother has just called me.

"Puppy? Mom? Really?!" I ask before wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"Well...I don't know what you kids call each other nowadays!" I wait until she's walking back to continue with the conversation.

"First of all, I'm not a kid, I'm an adult. Second of all, none of my friends call me puppy and neither should you. And third, you're my mom, just call me by my name...or son, or whatever it is that you moms call your children nowadays."

"Fine then, I'll just call you a pain in my ass," she squints, bringing a basket of clothes over to the table where I'm sitting. "So what have you been up to?"

"The usual. School, surf, studying, training."

"Huh," she says eyeing me suspiciously. "Somehow I have a feeling it's a little more than that."

"Well, I mean, a few parties here and there, but basically I'm still an honor student. Just today I went to the gym, then did some training, and now I'm here."

"What about after this? You have dinner plans?"

I open my mouth then shut it, then open it again and let out a huff of air.

"I mean...yeah sorta, I guess."

I scratch the back of my head nervously as my mom looks up from her folding and smiles. "Well come on, don't hold out on me."

"Ma, here let me fold," I insist, wanting to do something to occupy myself.

We trade spots and I stand to fold the clothes as she sits in my chair at the table. I don't say anything for a moment ignoring her prying eyes.

"Well, come on!" She says impatiently.

"I—mom, I'm just going to ask a friend to have dinner with me. Seriously, it's not a big deal."

"A friend? A girlfriend?"

"What? No! Mom, he's just my chem partner! He's cool."

"Hmmm."

I roll my eyes and continue folding the clothes in silence.

"Well, what's his name?" My mom asks impatiently.

I sigh and roll my eyes. "His name is Renjun."

"Oh, what a beautiful name. How old is he?"

"I don't know mom! At least 20, maybe 21?"

"Good, good, what does he look like?"

"He's kinda medium height, the top of his head just touches my chin. He has dark brown hair, and sparkly eyes."

"Oh my, he sounds lovely."

"He is," I hear myself say.

My mother's smile only grows wider.

"You really like this boy, huh?"

"Mom! Would you drop it?"

She puts her hands up in surrender and goes to the kitchen to make herself tea. After a few minutes of silence she speaks again.

"Say, are you still dating that Yeeun gal?" She asks, pouring honey into the green steaming liquid.

"That's complicated..." I sigh, being honest. "I can't say I really know what's going on there."

"Well, I hope you two can work all that out," she smiles. I finish folding the last shirt to find my mom glancing at the clock.

"Got somewhere you need to be?" I ask.

"No, but you do. It's almost seven hun, you better go now."

"Okay Ma, I'll stop by again soon okay?"

She nods and smiles as I approach her, engulfing her in a hug.

"I'll tell your dad you stopped by okay?"

"Okay," I kiss her cheek and then leave for Renjun's house.

I approach the door to Renjun's apartment and knock three times.

"Answer the fucking door!" I hear someone yell from inside. Maybe I'm at the wrong apartment? I look at the number by the door and shake my head. Nope, right apartment. The door swings open and Renjun gives me a tight smile.

"Hi, come on in. The guys are in the dining room."

"Hey, Renjun it's me," I say looking inside to see a bunch of disgusting looking middle-aged men smoking and playing poker.

"Jeno?" Renjun asks drawing my attention back to him.

"Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to go grab dinner? Just something casual you know?"

"What the hell are you doing? Let him in bitch!" one of the men yells.

"Um who just said that?" I ask feeling a spike of anger.

"Don't worry about it. Now...now's not a good time Jeno. Maybe later?"

"What's on your face?" I ask, suddenly noticing a red mark on his cheek.

His hand immediately flies to cover the red spot.

"My what?"

"Your face Renjun, let me see," I take a step forward and move his hand away from his cheek. Looking closely shows me that it's an irritated spot with a small cut right in the middle.

"How did this happen?"

Suddenly a man comes towards me swiftly and pushes Renjun backward.

"Who the hell are you?" He asks me.

"Oh, hello sir. I'm a friend of Renjun's. I just came over to–"

"What made you think it was okay to fucking invite someone over?" He yells turning to Renjun.

"I just wanted to see if he wanted dinner," he says, covering for me in a heartbeat.

"No," I interrupt. "I came over, all on my own, he didn't invite me."

"You think it's okay to invite little bastards over?!" He yells at Renjun ignoring me.

"No, I'm sorry."

"You're about to be sorry!"

He raises his hand and I see the ring on his finger, suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle fitting together.

"Hey!" I yell, stepping inside the house and pushing myself in front of Renjun.

"If you think it's okay to hit him, you got another thing coming buddy," I seethe.

One of the men from the table stands up and walks over to us, grabbing Renjun from behind me.

"He's our little worker bee tonight, kid," the guy who grabbed him says. "Wait in line."

He smacks his ass, hard. He jumps and tries to get away from him but he grabs his wrists and pulls them behind his back.

"Let me go!" He yells.

"You better leave before things turn nasty on you little man," the man in front of me says.

My hands ball into fists and I rocket myself forward quickly slamming my fist into his chin. He's big but he's drunk and he stumbles to the ground quickly.

"Let him go," I say through gritted teeth to the man that's holding Renjun. He releases him and puts his hands up clearly not wanting a fight.

"I'll tell you what," the man on the ground says. "I'll play you for him. Poker. You win, you can have him for a month. I win, you never show your face here again "

I scoff and grab Renjun's hand. "He's not some fucking prize that you bet over. He's a human being. He's leaving whether you like it or not," and with that I pull him out of the apartment, down the steps and to my car. I open the door for him and buckle him quickly, then I get into my side and peel out of the driveway, speeding all the way until we're in some parking lot. I slam the car into park in space outside of a large mall.

"Jeno, I'm so sorry–"

I turn and cup both sides of his face gently. "Are you okay?" I ask softly. 

"He hit you, didn't he?"

"I'm fine," he says quietly.

"Look what you just had to go through, of course, you're not fine."

I slowly pull off his glasses and he doesn't resist. Once they're off he shuts his eyes tight and pulls away from me.

"I'm okay."

"Did you treat this yet?" I ask, running my thumb gently over the cut on his cheek.

"Yeah, I put rubbing alcohol on it. I told you, I'm fine."

"Well, I'm not sure about that. What was all that?" I ask pulling away from him.

"All that," he sighs, "was my dad. He's the one that you punched. You did punch him right?"

"Yeah. Your dad's an ass."

"I know," he says quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. It's not your fault," I whisper, carefully sliding his glasses back on.

"He just wanted to have a poker night with his friends, and he got tipsy. It's nothing."

"It definitely is  _ not _ nothing. He hit you Renjun, that's not okay." I unbuckle his seat belt and then mine, getting out of the car, and going around the front to open his door. "I meant what I said Renjun, you're not going back there, at least not until he cools off. We can go back there later and get some of your stuff."

"Jeno, that's ridiculous, I can't leave," he says stepping out of the car.

"Yes, you can. Just stay with me for the night, I'll take the couch and we can ride to class together in the morning. Based on how drunk he was, I'm betting he won't remember anything in the morning."

He bites his lip nervously and considers this for a long time.

"Okay," he says finally.

I sigh with relief and lean against my car looking around.

"So I sorta parked in the middle of nowhere" I laugh.

He giggles and leans against the car next to me.

"So dinner, huh?"

"Yeah," I say confidently, not allowing myself to be nervous or awkward. I look around the shopping center and pick out all the casual restaurants I see. "So you choose. We got Subway, Pizza Hut..."

"...um, I don't know you pick," he smiles.

"Hell no, it's up to you."

His smile softens and he tilts his head to the ground, tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. "It's just that, I don't really go out much. Kinda hard to read the menu you know?"

I fall silent silently cursing myself. Then I get an idea and I pretend to sigh in frustration. "Well great. I guess we have to go to all of them then."

"What!?" He asks looking at me shocked. "No, no, the first one is fine. What was it... Subway? Let's just go to Subway."

"Nope, we're gonna share a little bit of each one. That way, the next time we go out you'll know exactly which one you want," I say, softer this time, letting him in on my plan.

I grab his hand and feel a shock shoot up my spine but I don't let go, and we walk hand in hand to the nearest restaurant.


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Renjun's POV**

"Could you hold these?" Jeno asks, placing two plastic bags full of food in my hand. "Yes, we'll take an order of the orange chicken with chow mien." The cash register rings as the drawer click open and Jeno pays.

"Oh gosh, I didn't even think about the price of all this," I whisper under my breath to Jeno.

I feel a slight pat on my head as he says, "Don't worry about it."

"We should at least split it."

"What is your cash burning a hole through your pocket? Ever heard the expression 'don't spend it all at once'?"

"Well...I wouldn't be spending it all. Just a fair amount."

"You need every penny. You're saving up remember?"

"I am?" I ask my brow dipping in confusion.

"Yeah, for the computer that's not from the 1950s."

"Yeah, that's gonna take a few hundred years to save up for," I chuckle.

"How much is it exactly?" He asks sounding concerned.

"Um, the one I've had my eyes on is at $2,500 right now."

"I mean...I can help out. I have cash to spare."

"Absolutely not. I appreciate it really but I can't even think about accepting that offer."

A man clears his throat and Jeno sighs and shifts, something crinkling under his fingertips. The man must have been handing him our food. "Alright," he says, taking the other bags from my hand. "Let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"There's a park nearby, I was thinking we could go for a little picnic action."

I smile widely again and then look down, trying to contain my excitement. Jeno grabs my hand and leads me back to the car, where we take a quick ride to this park. Once he's parked, he grabs something from the trunk and takes my hand, leading me far out onto the grass, then he releases my hand.

"Wait for a sec before you sit okay? I'm gonna lay this blanket down," he says.

I nod and soak in the remaining heat of the sun. It's getting chilly already. Jeno grabs my hand and pulls me down to the blanket so I'm sitting beside him.

"What should we start with?" He asks.

"Okay, I can't lie, ever since we step into Pizza Hut my mouth has been watering."

"Pizza Hut it is."

He rustles around in one of the bags for a second and then places a warm heavy pizza into my hand. I sink my teeth immediately and almost pass out when the flavor hits my taste buds.

"Oh my gosh, this is good," I mutter.

Jeno chuckles and we eat our slices in silence. I polish mine off quickly and Jeno whips out the orange chicken.

"How the..." I mutter frustratingly at the two sticks in my hand.

"Struggling there? You're literally Chinese," Jeno asks.

"Yeah. I never used chopsticks since I got blind. Can I just use a fork please?"

"No way, you immerse yourself in the food, you immerse yourself in the culture too, that's how it works."

"Really?" I giggle dropping one of my chopsticks and patting around until Jeno places it back in my hand.

"Well, at least that's how I was raised. Food's kinda a big thing in my family."

"Hmm."

"Here," Jeno says, placing his chopsticks down to help me. "This finger goes here, and that one goes underneath...like that, yeah. Now try."

I move my fingers together and find myself shocked when the sticks move together. I grab a piece of chicken and pop it into my mouth, the flavors melting into my tongue.

"So tell me, what does it look like here?" I ask, feeling the cold breeze on my face.

"You mean in the park?"

"Yeah."

I loosen my grip on the chopsticks and give up on Chinese food. "Mexican please."

Jeno chuckles and hands me my taquitos.

"Well to your right it is a big park, there's a sandpit and a swing set, monkey bars. To your left are a few basketball courts and the public restrooms."

"And where are we?"

"We're a bit further. On the big grass area with a bunch of trees."

"Hmm. It sounds nice."

"It is."

Silence falls over that and he adds, "But you don't need me to tell you that. So tell me, what's your process, what do you see?"

I swallow and then I pause for a moment and breathe deeply, tuning into my surroundings.

"Well first, I put myself in the shoes of a third party. So where we're sitting, I can imagine us, two college students with a mess of food around them but we're really far away, it's foggy. By the basketball courts, I think there are two people playing one on one. And I think...there's someone smoking a cigarette...but I can't tell from where."

Jeno's silent for a moment before he huffs out a breath of air. "Not a superhero my ass."

I laugh and pull my knees up to my chest to conserve my body heat.

"Here you go," Jeno hands me our last type of food, the sandwich. I take a large bite and when the heat hits my tongue I cough. I finish chewing and swallow quickly which only makes it worse.

"You put freaking jalapeños in that?" I choke out.

"What?" He taunts through a mouthful. "Can't take a little heat?"

"No, Jeno. I cannot take any heat," I laugh anxiously. My mouth burns and I choke into a coughing attack. "Drink," I mutter.

"Shit Renjun, I didn't know you were gonna die," he jokes, putting a drink in my hand.

I take a long pull and it helps for a second but then it just burns the back of my throat more.

"You could've gotten milk?" I choke, coughing harder.

"I—I didn't know the sandwich was gonna burn a hole in your esophagus!"

I laugh and in combination with the choking it burns more.

"Please something," I say shaking my hand.

"Okay, well the only other liquid we have is salsa!"

"The noodles! Or pizza! Anything!"

He searches through the bags and then shoves the box of chow mien in my hand.

"Fork!" I cough.

"You have to use chopsticks!" Jeno yells, jokingly.

"Stop making me laugh!" I cough and giggle at once. My mouth is burning so bad that I can't wait for chopsticks or a fork so I pull out noodles with my fingers and Jeno laughs while searching for a utensil.

"I can't find anything!" He laughs.

In an act of desperation, I hold the box over my mouth and tap it lightly. All the noodles fall out at once flopping onto my face and Jeno doubles over next to me in laughter. I chew the noodles that caught in my mouth and it helps a lot. Finally, I can breathe again, and now Jeno can't.

"Oh yeah real funny, huh?" I ask wiping the noodles off my face.

"I'm sorry," he sounds like he's crying with laughter. "It's just the whole thing fell on you and you didn't even care!"

"Yeah, well when you're dying from a jalapeño with no escape you can come talk to me."

I fling the noodles in my hands at Jeno's face. It's silent for a moment and I shake my leg nervously.

"Oh hell. You did not just do that."

I nod my head slowly and uncap the drink next to me cautiously.

"You're gonna pay for that." He rustles through the bags to find some food to throw at me and I ready myself. When I hear him shift and turn around I dump the cup of Pepsi over his head. I squeal and I can tell he's frozen in place again.

"Huang Renjun," he growls.

I reach around me and find my sandwich, only one bite taken. I open it up like a book and slide it all the way down his shirt. I can hear him let out a small gasp right before he shifts his body weight and tackles me.

"You know I was willing to play nice, I really was, but you created a monster," he says grabbing at the bags for something. I try and wiggle away from him but he has me pinned.

"Okay, okay, I surrender!" I yell.

"It's not gonna be that easy!"

"Okay! Just tell me. What do you want?"

"Hmmm," he stays on top of me while deciding his punishment. "Ah, I've got it."

"Okay," I sigh. "What is it?"

He breathes deeply over me and then says, "You have to help me with lab prep for our next lab."

"Jeno that's not fair! I do everything else!"

"And..." he adds. "You...have to help me with my English paper."

I groan and nod reluctantly and he rolls off of me and lies next to me. We lie there in silence for a long time, just thinking.

"I miss the stars," I say eventually. "Are they out yet?"

"Yeah," he replies, just a whisper. "Which means you must be freezing. We'd better get going yeah?"

"Yeah."

We both sit up and clean up our mess before getting back in the car.

"Jeno, thanks for tonight, really, but I need to get home."

"Renjun, I thought we had discussed this."

"We had, but please, I would like to go back now."

"Okay," he sighs sounding disappointed. "I'll take you back."

"I don't care if your eyes already don't work! Put the damn safety goggles on Renjun!" Jeno chuckles slapping the protective gear in my hand. He's sitting next to me today, on my side of the table.

"Over my glasses?"

"No," he says like it's obvious. "Take 'em off."

I sigh and take off my glasses, shutting my eyes as quickly as possible and pulling the goggles on.

He lets out a whistle and mutters just loud enough for me to hear, "Wow. No one should look as good as you do in safety goggles."

"Oh shut up!" I yell, pushing his arm and giggling.

"Renjun, I have to tell you something," he says suddenly, and very seriously.

I pull off the goggles and slide my glasses back on. "What is it?" I asked concerned.

He tucks my hair behind my ear and leans in close.

"Renjun...the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell."

"Jeno, I swear to god!"

He cracks up in his seat and I let out a huff of annoyance.

"One could say we have...Chemistry together," he continues.

"Oh my god! You're literally five years old!"

He's still laughing as I stir the chemicals beneath me into a paste.

"What's going on over here?" A familiar female voice asks.

"Hey, Yee," Jeno laughs. I heard kiss and my stirring stops for a moment before I shake out of it and continue.

"Me and Yeji need help," she whines.

"Are you sure? Yeji's really smart, I'm surprised she needs help," Jeno says.

"Okay fine," she sighs. "We don't need help but we just want to be done with this lab already and I saw you two goofing over here so I figured you guys could help us with the answers."

"Well...we're not done yet..." he says.

"Perfect! Neither are we! Reonjeon, you can go work with Yeji!"

I clear my throat before saying, "It's Renjun."

"What?"

"My name, it's Renjun."

"Oh, right. Well, can you go work with Yeji?"

I turn my head to Jeno and shrug.

"I mean, sure I guess."

"Yee, we're in the middle of the lab," Jeno says. "Next time us four can work together, okay?"

There's silence on the other end until she says, "Okay. Whatever," and spins around, her heels clacking as she walks away.

"Hard to please everyone," Jeno mumbles.

"Sorry?" I ask. "Didn't mean to cause trouble, I can always swap with her."

"No, no, it's not that. She's just... difficult...to please sometimes."

I nod my head and hand the beaker to Jeno to stir.

"What does she look like?" I hear myself ask. I don't know why I ask, I suppose I'm just curious, but it still is a bit odd.

Jeno pauses his stirring and I can feel his eyes studying me.

"Well," he starts, "she's tall, skinny."

The mixture is stirring again when I ask, "What color are her eyes?"

"She's wearing blue contacts."

"And her hair?"

"It's shoulder-length, she dyed it blonde, wavy."

"Oh," I huff out a small laugh. "So basically, she looks like Taylor Swift. I mean she's the only one I saw that looks like that."

He chuckles. "Yeah I guess you could say that."

"And who do I look like?" I laugh, jokingly.

The stirring pause again and eventually he says, "You don't look like anyone. You're just...you."

I smile and shrug, happy with his response. I don't need and don't want to look like someone known. "I think that's a good thing" I smile.

"Yeah, me too," he chuckles. "Me too."

"What do I look like to you?" I ask, really surprising myself this time. 

"Sorry," I say immediately afterward, correcting myself. "That was odd..."

"Why do you ask?"

I clear my throat again and shrug.

"Oh come on, don't hold out on me," he teases.

I laugh lightly and sigh. "I've been blind for a really long time you know? Last time I looked in the mirror I was a little boy. Now I'm 20, kinda a big leap."

"Wait," The beaker clinks against the counter. Oh great,, he's set the beaker down and now he's shifting in his seat to give me his full attention. "You don't know what you look like?" He asks.

"I have a rough idea...most things stay the same."

"What do you remember, from before you went blind?"

"Nothing good," I mutter without thinking. "No I mean, just, I don't remember much, I think I was five the last time I saw colors."

"Do you still want me to tell you what I see?" He asks.

"No. Not yet. Maybe...maybe another day."

"Okay, I'll take a rain check on that."

I zone out for a moment and I'm soon pulled back to reality.

"Renjun," a voice calls. I turn towards Jeno and raise my eyebrows. 

"Hmm?"

"Hey, do you want to go grab some lunch?" Jeno asks in the middle of the lab.

"I, uh–" I pour the liquid from the test tube to the beaker.

My senses are overloaded when a perfume cuts through the air.

"Hi, babe," Yeeun's voice rings out. "Do you get question number seven?"

"Sorta, Renjun's the one really doing everything," he chuckles.

"Really?" She asks, possessiveness rolling off of her in waves. I can hear her whisper something into Jeno's ear. "Didn't you say blind people were like dumb or something?"

My face goes pale and Jeno clears his throat. "No, I absolutely did not say that."

"Oh, that's right," she giggles. "That was Jaemin."

"Obviously, Jaemin doesn't know Renjun," he mutters.

"I think that's all for today! Y'all can pack up!" Our professor yells, saving me.

I pack up quickly and I hear Jeno mutter to Yeeun. "Hey, can you hang back so I can talk to you?"

"Sorry hun, I have practice."

"Yeeun. This is important. I can't wait any longer."

"Well, you're gonna have to. I'll come over later, alright?"

"Fine," he mutters.

"Hey, wait up for me Renjun," he says as I walk towards the door.

I can practically feel the heat from Yeeun's dagger glare on me.

"Sorry, I gotta run, too, Jeno."

I get out of the door and pull out my phone to voice call the cab company when Jeno grabs my wrist and gently pulls me backward.

"Hey," he says. "I thought we had an agreement, English paper?"

"You need to get it done now? Already?"

"Yup. It's due tomorrow."

I groan and tilt my head backward. Jeno fakes a cough and mumbles "Drama queen".

I want more than anything to squint at him, but I settle with crossing my arms over my chest.

"Fine, but I'm going to need coffee," I say eventually.

I hear Jeno whisper a small victorious 'yes' under his breath and I imagine him celebrating with a small fist pump. His arms link with mine and he leads the way to his car.

"Don't worry, I know a really good coffee place," he whispers in my ear.

"What is this place?" I ask surrounded by the smell of coffee. I inhaled deeply and smile, there's soft 80s music playing and I set the environment myself.

"It's an old used bookstore and record store, but we're in the bottom level which is a coffee shop."

"There's another level?" I gasp.

"Yeah, I go here all the time, you want to check it out? After we order our coffees?"

I nod my head and he orders for me and then leads us upstairs old steps that creak and groan. As we go up the smell of coffee lingers but is replaced by the smell of old books and paper.

"Hello, Jeno," someone says, "I see you've brought a guest." 

"Hey, Doyoung," Jeno says, pulling me with him in the direction of the voice. "Doyoung, this is Renjun, my friend from school. Renjun, this is Doyoung, the owner of the bookstore up here and a close family friend."

"Nice to meet you" I smile, extending my hand for him to shake. He shakes my hand firmly and I feel the elephant in the room.

"Nice to meet you too, Renjun." A moment of silence follows and I can feel the question coming.

"So...you're–"

"Blind," I finish for him, "Yes, I am."

A small gasp escapes his mouth and he snatches up my hand. "Darlin', you have no idea how long I've been waiting for you."

I'm pulled along somewhere and I hear Jeno chuckling behind me.

"I've got crates of books that I've been dying to get off my hands for ages."

"Oh, I appreciate it but it's difficult to read–"

"They're all in braille."

"They're what?!" I shout suddenly. "But only a tiny proportion of published books have made it into braille, and I can't find any of them anywhere!"

"Well, you've been looking in all the wrong places. And today's your lucky day," Doyoung chuckles.

I turn around and face Jeno. "This is—this is incredible!"

"Glad you like it."

Just then our names are called from downstairs signaling that our coffees are ready.

"I'll go grab them. Why don't you look through a few books?" Jeno offers. I nod and smile as I hear his feet shuffle away, then I hear Doyoung moving around before something heavy slams into the floor.

"Tell me when you want the next crate hun, I'll be in the back."

I nod again and kneel down next to the box. My fingers feel their way around the promoter of the crate first, it's pretty big. I reach inside gingerly and pull out a book. My fingers feel over the front page until I find familiar bumps. 

_ The Hobbit. _ I flip it open and feel over a random page. The bumps are still there, clear and orderly, my own language.

"Here you go," Jeno's voice says behind me as he hands me the hot coffee.

"Thanks."

He kneels next to me and pages rub together as he pulls out another book.

"What's this one?" He asks, handing it to me.

My fingers fly over the braille and tilt my head to the side. "The Hatchet."

"Oh, you gotta read that one. It's great," he says.

"Um, Renjun?"

"Yeah?" I answer without processing.

"I hate... I really really hate to take you away from this but... it's getting late."

"Okay, you can go if you want, I'll call a cab," I shrug, getting back to the book.

My hands stop moving over the bumps and I tilt my head towards Jeno.

"Oh my god!" I gasp. "Your essay! We came here to write your essay! I totally forgot!"

"No, it's alright Renjun, I can work on it myself, I'm just...I love seeing you so happy, so involved in something."

"No, no, a deal's a deal," I smile. "Let's go sit somewhere." I stand up and tear myself away from the books.

"I know the perfect spot," Jeno takes my hand and leads me left and right before stopping suddenly. "This is my favorite place to be. It's a little sun nook in the back of the store with a few chairs and a coffee table. Yeah, it's a little dusty back here, but it's worth it for the..." he trails off, and his hand breaks from mine.

"For the view?" I ask, not wanting him to feel bad.

"Yeah...sorry. I should have thought of that."

"Oh, don't be silly Jeno. It's fine, I like it back here. It smells like old books and it feels comfortingly warm, like autumn."

"Yeah, wait until actual autumn, the heater doesn't work back here so it's freezing."

"Hmmm," I walk around a bit and get a feeling for my surroundings while Jeno sits and gets everything set up on his computer.

"And that's a wrap!" Jeno says, shutting his laptop.

I smile and stretch out, shivering a bit. "You were right, it does get cold up here."

"Yeah, and it's getting late, I should get you back home."

I nod and Jeno leads me to his car. Somewhere along the way, he drapes his sweater over my shoulder and I mutter a small shy, "Thank you."

Once we're in the car and driving, Jeno clears his throat.

"So, I have an...invitation for you."

I turn to give him my attention and wait for him to go on.

"I have sorta...surf competition tomorrow..."

"Ha!" I exclaim. "I knew it! I knew you were a big league's surfer, aren't you?!"

He mumbles a response that's inaudible and I whip out my phone.

"Open google," I say into the speaker.

"Renjun, what are you doing?"

"I'm googling you," I reply with a shrug.

"Na-uh!" He grabs my phone and shuts it off. "The last thing I want is you reading up on a bunch of false information. I'll tell you what you want to know."

I cross my arms over my chest and wait for him to spill it.

He lets out a long dramatic sigh and says, "I was the runner up in the Regional Championship."

I'm quiet for a minute before I shake my head. "Okay."

"Basically, I placed second in the most competitive surf competition."

"Jeno!" I shove his arm lightly. "You said easy peasy! Easy peasy my ass!"

"I know, I know, I should have just told you, but it didn't seem humble to me."

I huff in slight annoyance and cross my arms again. "So is this competition tomorrow a big deal?"

"Sorta," he answers timidly.

"I mean...maybe I'll go, if you tell me the time and place, maybe."

"Are you trying to play hard to get Huang Renjun?" He chuckles.

"Is it working?" I shoot back.

"Oh, absolutely," he says.

I giggle and shake my head. "Yeah, I'll be there. Not that I'll be able to see you surfing."

"Sweet. It's it Hanjin, at 11 AM."

"Hanjin, 11, got it."

"And, I have a favor to ask. Is it okay if I take off after I drop you off? Normally I would walk you upstairs and see you inside but I still have to talk to Yeeun and do a lot of prep for tomorrow."

"Oh, yeah, that's no problem Jeno. Seriously, you never have to walk me up."

"It's the right thing to do."

"Why? Because I'm blind?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie and say that's not part of it. I have this fear of you slipping on the step and falling all the way down leading to your death. But in all seriousness, I would do it even if you weren't blind. Like I said, it's the right thing to do, but tonight I can't do the right thing. So do me a favor, text me when you get inside, just so I know you got in alright."

"Okay," I say softly, "will do."


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Jeno's POV**

Once Renjun's out of the car, I race back to my apartment. As soon as I turn the key and open the door, a voice yells at me.

"What the hell, Jeno! You fucking say you want to talk and then you don't show up for like two hours!"

"I was writing my paper in English," I sigh, putting my keys on the counter and taking off my shoes.

"With him?"

"Yes, Yeeun, with him. Renjun."

"You can't fucking cheat on me! I have guys lined up around the block for me and you think you can just–"

"Actually, that's perfect! They can have you!" I interrupt.

"Excuse me?" She screams.

I take a deep breath to stay calm.

"I'm breaking up with you, Yeeun. All the other guys can have you."

"What the fuck?! Why? Because of him?"

"No, Yeeun! Because of you! Frankly, you're a bitch, and I'm tired of your dramatic bullshit drama!"

I see the slap coming, and hear it before I feel it.

"You can't fucking break up with me! I'm breaking up with you, asshole!"

"Okay, if that makes you feel better about yourself then go ahead. Dump my sorry ass," I reply sarcastically, stretching out my jaw and touching my face where she slapped me.

"I hate you! I hate your stupid fucking eyes and your stupid hair, and your fucking...fucking...ugh!" She yells, brushing past me and walking out, slamming the door. After a few seconds, I swing the door open and yell, "Fuck you, Taylor Swift!" down the hallway. Once I've walked back inside and processed what I said, I start cracking up.

"Did I just say 'Fuck you, Taylor Swift'? I think I did!" I think to myself, doubling over in laughter.

Once I've shaken out my laughs, I begin my preparation routine, getting ready for the competition tomorrow. It's going to be a busy day.

I wake up to pounding on my door and groan. It must be five o'clock but I know who it is, my manager. I don't bother to open it knowing that he has his own key.

"Get your ass up," he yells from outside.

I ignore him and get doze back to sleep, but then I shoot up suddenly to a painfully loud sound to see my manager standing in front of me with an air horn.

"Fuck you Jaehyun! You brought an air horn!?" I yell.

"It's the only way for you to get your ass out of bed! Let's go, we have shit to do!"

I grumble and stand up following him into the kitchen to follow our routine. He hands me my usual pre-competition dark green taste-like-shit smoothie thing and orders me to chug it. I sit at the counter as he pulls out a notepad filled with bullet notes.

"Clothing is the first priority right now, okay? Arriving clothes will be Volcom, bodysuit will be Billabong, and afterward, Vans."

"Volcom is in on us now too?" I ask.

"Not yet, but they're interested."

I nod and wait for him to continue.

"You'll do a quick shoot with fans, and then shirt signings from six to seven, then you have your workout with Kun until nine. Pre-comp press until ten, then dressing and diet management until eleven, and you have eleven to twelve to get your ass in the water."

"And right now?"

"Right now we gotta get you into the trailer, so let's go," he says shoving a banana into my hand.

And so, the day begins.

At around 10:30, my actual human being senses kick in and I realize that Renjun never texted me last night. I was so distracted I didn't even realize. Suddenly my mind is being filled with images of him falling down those steps. Fuck, I should have seen him inside.

"Where's your head at! Come on, you're in the water in twenty let's go!" My diet manager, Yeri yells at me.

I type a quick text to Renjun that I hope doesn't sound clingy.

_NEVER GOT CALL OR TEXT. U OK?_

Then I scarf down the eggs and potatoes in front of me and plug my earbuds into my ears. Time to tune everything out.

My board hits the water and I pull myself up into it, beginning to paddle. I feel good today, strong. These waves are only a slight challenge and once I'm ready to tackle. The horizon isn't flat, but the right wave isn't there yet. I straddle and board and let my hand feel the water, feel the rhythm, and try to feel the base of the right wave. Right as I think I feel something, Huang effing Renjun pops into my head.

"No," I think to myself. "No distractions. He's fine. Paddle."

I follow my own advice and shift onto my stomach, paddling towards the roll of water soon to form into a full crashing wave. My timing is perfect and I catch onto the lip, cutting down into the forming barrel. Oh yeah, this baby's going to score me lots of points. I ride the wave out all the way and then at the end I aerial, just for fun. Grabbing the bottom of my board for balance, I stick the landing and glide down, the end of my ride. When it's time for the next heat to start, I jog back up to the sand, shaking out my short hair and running a hand through it to tame it down a bit.

I'm immediately bombarded by the press and my crew works to get me into the safety of my trailer. When the winners are announced, I await nervously and my manager comes in to tell me that I've qualified for the next round. I release a sigh of relief and start warming up for my next heat. I check my phone to see no new message.

I can't help it, I call him. His phone goes straight to voicemail and I decide to just leave a message.

"Hey, Renjun. I was just checking to make sure you got in alright. Sorry, don't mean to be so prodding. Anyways, get back to me. Bye."

Someone snatches my phone from my hand and I turn to see that it's Yeeun.

"Yeeun," I greet through gritted teeth.

It's not uncommon for me to see her face. She's a model and we were originally signed to the same sponsors together so we would go to shoots and signings together. People quickly began to use us as an attractive cover couple and our relationship was sort of forced.

"Just wanted you to know that I'll be informing the press of our break up. More specifically of my dumping of your ass," she says shoving a finger into my chest.

"Yeeun, please not today, it's a big day and I don't want to be answering questions about you all day."

"Well, you should have thought of that before you decided you wanted to have that little chat yesterday," she snaps.

I clench my jaw and snatch my phone back from her. "Fine. Tell them whatever you want."

"I will. Oh, and just so you know, I fully expect a break-up sex at some point."

My jaw drops and I look around the trailer at my crew in shock.

"Who the hell let her in?" I ask furious.

A new kid raises his hand and my anger softens. "Next time, don't, okay?" I look back at Yeeun. "And you can leave now" I say to her.

She glares at me and storms out. Meanwhile I look back down at my phone.

"This isn't right. Something is not right," is all I can think.

"Hey!" I yell to get everyone's attention. "I have a friend and I'm worried about him, when's my next heat?"

"Now!" Jaehyun yells coming in. "Go!"

Shit. Still. Fucking. Nothing.

"Jeno good news! You're moving on to the next round!"

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Normally I wouldn't be so concerned, but there's a terrible feeling slowly anchoring itself in my gut. Something's wrong.

"Something is not right," I say aloud, hoping someone will give a shit.

"Listen to me buddy," my manager says, slapping my shoulder. "Look around. All of us, this whole crew, we are counting on you. Now we can't stop you from doing what you want, but we are all here for you. For you to surf. At the end of the day, this competition will get you into bigger better competitions and on the track, back to regionals, and at the end of the day, he's just a boy, running a little late and not picking up his phone."

I release a deep breath and nod. "Okay," I say pushing down the sick feeling. "You're right."

"Okay. Let's go!" He yells. The inside of the trailer begins to scurry around and again I shut my phone off.

"No more distractions," I mumble to myself.

"Lee! Lee!"

I point to a nice looking female reporter who signals for her cameraman to come closer.

"How does it feel to win your first competition since your accident?"

"It feels great," I reply, pulling on my charm.

"Jeno! Lee! Jeno! Jeno!"

I point to another lady.

"How are you recovering from your previous injury and do you plan to make it to regionals next year?"

"All I can say is that I'm fully recovered and, yes, absolutely I plan on taking that first place trophy home this time."

More shouting of my name. I point to someone else and they click their pen to start writing.

"Jeno, there have been rumors floating around that you and your girlfriend Yeeun, who were previously signed to Active together, are breaking up?"

I remember this guy. He's from one of those awful celebrity shows. I look straight into the camera and smile before correcting, "Have broken up, and just to clear the record, Yeeun, I'm sorry about the break-up, I didn't mean to break your heart, really."

It feels good to be the smart ass for all of two seconds before I realize what a complete dick move it was. I should have just let her have the break-up line.

I'm about to answer another question when my manager beside me says, "That's it for today folks. No more questions."

They continue to shout my name as if there's still a chance I'll answer their questions. We push through the crowd back to my trailer where I hold up the first place trophy and my crew claps and cheers for me. For the next ten minutes there are numerous pats in the back and sayings of congratulations, and I can honestly say, it feels damn good. I'm soaking it all in like I'm some sort of idol.

"Tonight, we celebrate!" I announce. My crew cheers louder and someone pops open a bottle of champagne.

It's easy to throw a party on the beach. All you need is a runner who's willing to always go buy more beer when it runs out and lots of girls. Lots. Tonight I feel fucking fantastic. I have an ice-cold beer in my hand and my arm around a new girl. So what if I'm breaking the no-drinking rule, it's one night, and I deserve to celebrate.

"Hey," Jaehyun says, coming over. "I need to address something really quick."

"Okay, shoot."

"You're not having a relationship with a fan are you?"

"A fan? No. I'm not in a relationship with anyone."

"Okay. Just checking," he shrugs.

I squint at him and take a pull from my beer.

"Why do you ask?"

"I don't know. When you were in your last heat there was this boy asking around your trailer. Real twitchy you know? Kind of like those fans get."

"What did he look like?"

"Mousy brunette boy. Didn't look a day over nineteen. Thin, medium height, his hair was all tangled and matted. He didn't look so good."

"Doesn't ring a bell," I shrug. "He left a name?"

"I don't quite remember... Ren...jun? I think it was."

"Wait," something ticks inside my brain. "Renjun?"

"Yeah! That's it! Anyway, I just wanted to warn you, he said he'd hang around and I don't know what was up with him. He was stumbling all around saying he knew you. Eventually, I had security get him away from the trailer cause he was freaking people out, he was falling and then he started throwing up...I don't even know man. Crazy if you ask me."

"Shit!" My stomach plummets and my fear washes over me. I stand up and bolt to my car.

"You're such a fucking idiot!" I yell at myself.

I knew something was wrong. I knew something was wrong yet I did nothing. I'm slightly intoxicated, yes, but I don't have time to call a cab, I have to find him. As I'm speeding to his apartment, I spot a boy, sitting on the edge of a dimly lit curb, crying. I slam on the breaks and approach him carefully.

"Renjun?" I call.

The boy looks up. He looks nothing like Renjun. He has on a silver mini short and a tight low cut tube top. He's wearing aviator glasses even though it's dark outside, and has a pair of shoes in his hands. But the worst part is that, it is Renjun.

"Renjun, oh my god, what happened to you?"

He slurs out some inaudible answer and slumps over.

"Shit!" I scoop him up, put him in my car, and race back to my apartment. 

Once we arrive, I run upstairs and start a warm bath. I carefully undress him, but leave his boxers on. I feel guilty as shit undressing him, but I have to make sure he's okay and that's hard to do in a flimsy short and top. I carefully lower him into the bath and wash out his hair, brushing through the tangles with my fingers and getting the sand off his body. He's in and out and I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him. When he comes to, he starts freaking out, and then something washes over him and he goes limp again. He reeks of alcohol, but there's another agent at play here. I pull off his aviators, and that's when I find the small cut over his eye. His body shudders and I pull him out and place him on my bed. I grab a t-shirt and throw it over his head and then I slide some of my sweatpants up his waist. Then I pick him up again and settle him under the covers. The cut over his eyes is what rings a bell. His piece of shit dad.

I watch Renjun for what seems like a long time. He's breathing heavily but I can't wait for any confirmation, I need to know what happened to him. 

I instead bolt out the door and speed to his apartment. The door's unlocked and inside there are broken bottles everywhere. The whole place reeks of alcohol and shit. I search through the apartment looking for any clues as to what happened. It's not hard to put together, there's a bag of little blue pills on the counter, the other factor that I sensed. He got drunk and high, but I know it wasn't by choice, and at some point he escaped to come to find me and I wasn't fucking there for him.

There are only three rooms in the apartment. Renjun's room is the closet. For a closet, it would be quite roomy but as a bedroom, it's terrible. I grab the duffel bag of clothes next to his bed and his normal glasses. I also grab his phone and charger along with anything else I think he'll need. As I'm leaving a voice stops me dead in my tracks.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" His father asks.

"Calling the cops to start," I begin walking again when I'm yanked backward and I see his fist come down on me. I groan out when it makes an impact on my face. Shit that hurt. I'm on the ground, trying to get back up when he picks me up by my shirt and pulls his shirt over his shoulder. I make out some sort of blurry tattoo until my eyes focus and it comes into view. Oh fuck. That's a gang tattoo.

"Try calling the cops and see what happens to your pretty little face."

Yup. Cops are definitely not an option unless I want everyone I care about dead. As soon as he releases my shirt, I slam my fist upwards and he stumbles backward, then, I'm out the door in a second and racing back across town when I make a quick stop. I come back to my apartment to find him just where I left him.

At about 5 AM, I shut my eyes for the first time. I've been up all night watching him and trying my best to soothe him when he comes to and starts panicking, but at five I've been up for a whole twenty-four hours and I'm exhausted. My eyes shut and I sleep.

"Jeno?! Jeno!" A voice yells me awake.

The sleep is quickly startled from my eyes as I jolt up in bed and turn towards the voice. Renjun's sitting there in bed patting around for me.

"I'm right here, I'm right here," I say taking his hand.

My eye is still throbbing and I know it's swollen.

"Oh god," he says in a broken voice.

"How much do you remember?" I ask.

"I remember you picking me up and putting me in your car. I think you put me in the bath, I don't know. I can't remember."

"Do you remember what happened last night?"

"I don't know. I can't remember. I was at my house...my dad...was angry. I think he invited his friends over?"

"You don't remember anything else?"

"No...I—I can't."

"I think I should take you to the hospital."

"No, please, I won't be able to cover the costs. It's fine."

One of his hands comes up and cups my cheek.

"Jeno—I...I can't thank you enough. I don't know how I'll ever repay–"

"Please, it's fine Renjun" I interrupt. "I should have been there for you earlier."

His fingers linger and then gently touch around my eye.

"What happened to your eye?" He asks.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

He sits up higher and feels around my eye.

"This doesn't feel fine. We need to ice this. What happened?"

"I went to go see your dad," I reply honestly. "I got your stuff."

"Oh god," he gasps, covering his mouth with his hand. "Are you okay?!" He feels around my eye again and I nod.

"Renjun, I'm fine," I pull his hand away from my face and hold it in mine. "It's you I'm worried about."

I stand up and throw a pair of sweats over my boxers. "Come on, we should tend to that cut." I brush my thumb over the cut lightly.

"I don't have my glasses on," he says, sounding panicked.

"Good," I say softly. "Your eyes are incredible."

He looks down for a minute and then stands up. He wobbles for a second before losing his balance completely and tilting to the side. I catch him and sit him on the edge of the bed.

"I may need help," he says, almost shyly. I wrap an arm around his waist to keep him stable and walk him to the kitchen. Then I gently place my hand on his hips and boost him up onto the counter.

"Wait for just a second, alright?"

He nods and I search through one of the cabinets until I find my first aid kit.

"So how'd the competition go?" He asks.

I pour rubbing alcohol onto a cotton ball and walk over to him.

"It went well—this is gonna sting."

He grabs onto the edge of the counter to ready himself and I reach up, pressing the cotton ball against the cut.

"I placed first, which means I qualified for the next competition."

"Jeno, that's great! I wish I could have been there," he says grimacing slightly.

I pull the cotton ball away and take out a band-aid. "You were there," I say, applying the band-aid to the cut. "When I was in the water. You found my trailer, asked around for me. Well, before my manager kicked you out."

"Oh my god, I don't remember anything," his voice cracks and he buries his head in his hands, defeated. "What's wrong with me?"

"Hey," I take his hands in mine. "Nothing's wrong with you. You were under influence, it's normal not to remember things."

"I was drunk?!" He exclaims, hopping down from the counter.

"And high."

He lets out a broken sob although no tears from his eyes. "Okay," he says clearing his throat and pulling himself together in a second. "Your turn, do you have ice?"

I grab a pliable ice pack from the freezer and hand it to him. Then I sit down in one of the high stools by the counter and pull him close to me. I open my knees and pull him even closer. He slowly presses the ice to my eye and I groan in pain.

"I'm sorry," he says softly.

"It's okay," I reply matching his tone.

He gently adjusts the ice and I clear my throat.

"Hey, I have some good news."

"Yeah?"

"We won't be having to deal with Yeeun anymore in Science."

"She dropped the class?"

"No," I chuckle. "I dropped her."

A small smile quirks up on Renjun's face but he tried to hide it.

"And in other news..." this will be harder to say. "You're moving in."

"What?" His eyebrows shoot up in shock.

"Well, unless you have somewhere else to stay?"

"I—what are you talking about?"

"Renjun, you are not going back there."

"Okay, I agree with you but...umm..."

"I know, but we can take turns on the couch and my bed, and I already got all your stuff. Or most of it."

"When you went to my apartment?"

"Yeah. I grabbed your bag of clothes, your phone and charger, wallet, school bag, and a few other little things, and I moved them into my room last night."

He lowers the ice and sighs. In my heart, I know this may end badly. I know because right now, sitting here with him close to me, seeing his beautiful dark eyes, he has the power to destroy me, and what's worse, I like him. Like _really_ like him.

"Well I mean...it would save money and gas if we went together to school."

I feel a smile forming on my lips. I got him. I say a silent _Yes!_ and do a fist pump.

"Did you just fist pump?" He asks.

I snort a laugh. "So what if I did?"

He laughs and shakes his head at me.

"Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, I stopped by the bookstore last night too. I brought your blindy books."

"Really?" He backs away from me and I see a spark of excitement ignite in him.

"Yup."

He throws his arms around me and squeezes me tight. "Thank you so much, Jeno."

"No worries."

"I actually had a few ideas for those books of yours," I smile. "Really?"

"Yeah. I think you'll like it."

He smiled and I find myself staring at his lips. He steps closer until his body is between my legs and he tilts my head upwards, taking the ice gently and pressing it over my eyes again.


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Renjun's POV**

My heart is pounding in my chest, it's ridiculous. I don't know if he can tell, but standing this close to him is sure as hell having some sort of effect on me.

His hand covers mine and he pulls the ice away from himself.

"About these book ideas, I'd like to show you," he says.

Suddenly, a sick feeling rises in my stomach. Sick as in, sick, and it has nothing to do with Jeno. "I think I might be sick," I mutter.

"What?" He asks, shocked.

He takes my hand and quickly leads me to the bathroom. I kneel in front of the toilet just as I throw up probably half of my body weight. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I register that Jeno has gently rubbing my back. When it finally stops and I can breathe again, I slump down and pass out.

_ Beep. Beep. _

"Oh, hell," I groan upon awaking. The smells, the sounds, it's all too familiar. A god damn hospital. I know that Jeno's holding my hand because somehow, in the short time I've known him, I've already memorized the callouses, creases, and cuts on his hand. I don't dare move my hand from his grip so I sigh and relax into the bed. I hear a snore and let my other hand travel the bed, until I find him, asleep with his head resting on one of his arms and our hands intertwined right next to his lips. My stomach flips and I tilt my head backward. Oh god, I think I like him. I run a hand through his hair and then let myself drift back off to sleep.

Again I groan awake, but this time, Jeno's voice is there to greet me.

"Morning," he says.

I roll my head to the side to face him and smile.

"Hello, Renjun!" A female voice greets. "I'm your nurse, my name is Soyoung," she greets far too cheerfully.

I smile and give her a small wave.

"I'll cut right to the chase," she starts, "since you were born from a mother under the influence of drugs, your recent drug and alcohol abuse was a sort of relapse and yesterday your body went from shock to minor withdraws."

I sit there in silence and shock.

"Wait, hold on," Jeno says, "hold on, he was a drug baby?" He asks the nurse.

I flinch at the words and squeezes my hand, whispering, "Sorry," in my direction.

"Yes, his mother was severely under the influence of drugs so when he was born he was already addicted. My history shows that he had to go through six months of withdrawal from multiple drugs, particularly crack and cocaine. Honestly, it's a miracle he turned out okay, well besides blind. Oh, and here it says you were blinded at the age of five."

"Jesus Christ," Jeno says softly.

"Can you leave?" I snap at the nurse. This is a common thing, unfortunately. Because people know I can't see them, they think I also can't hear them for some reason, like I'm completely invisible.

Jeno squeezes my hand again, this time nervously.

"I have to check your vitals and also I'm going to recommend rehab–"

I tune out whatever else she says and focus on Jeno. What's he thinking? What are his facial expressions? Is he scared? Worried? Freaked out?

"You need to leave," Jeno's voice cuts through in a demanding tone. "He needs another nurse."

"Excuse me?" Soyoung questions, shocked.

Jeno's hand breaks from mine as his chair scrapes against the ground.

"Do I need to report you? Please get out."

"You cannot order me–"

"Fine! Then check his vitals and get me the damn paperwork so I can take him home!" He yells.

There's silence on the other end until I hear the nurse scurrying over to me and running a series of tests. When she's finally done she mumbles, "I'll get you that paperwork," and she scurries outside.

"Would you please just trust me?" Jeno says, two days after I've been released. I've spent most of the time asleep, passed out on the medication I was given, and often when I awaken, Jeno's gone, surfing, or at his other classes. He has been nice enough to let me have the bed these last few days but I can tell that his couch, despite its large size, is getting uncomfortable.

"Trust is something that is earned. I can't just automatically trust you," I huff out, "but fine." I uncross my arms and sit down on the couch stretching my legs out over the couch.

"Very funny," he chuckles, pushing my legs off the couch and sitting down, then he pulls my legs back up onto his lap and throws a blanket over my legs.

"Okay Jeno, seriously, what are you doing?"

"You'll see," is all he responds, then he clears his throat and sighs. Something flips in his hands and he takes a deep breath. "Brian Robeson stared out the window of a small plane at the endless green northern wilderness below. It was a small plane, a Cessna 406–a bush plane–and the engine was so loud, so roaring and consuming and loud, that it ruined any chance for conversation. Not that he–"

"Are you reading to me?" I interrupt excitedly.

"Yes," he chuckles. "This is Hatchet. I have my own English copy and you have your braille copy so you're reading the next chapter okay?"

I nod eagerly and listen as he continues. I've already begun dozing off as he comes to a close of the first chapter.

"Can you read another?" I ask sheepishly. "I like listening to your voice."

"Okay," he says softly. "It's okay to fall asleep you know."

"I'm not falling asleep," I deny.

He chuckles and runs a hand over my hair.

"Renjun, you're burning up."

"I know, the nurse said fever was just a side effect, I'm okay."

"Do you need more medicine?" He asks, worry filling his voice.

"Not till later," I yawn. "Don't worry, it's not contagious."

"Trust me Renjun, that's the last thing I'm worried about."

In a moment of exposure, loneliness, and a foggy state of mind, I sit up and grab his hand.

"Why don't you read down here?"

He chuckles and I scoot over. Luckily, his couch is huge so I still have plenty of room, even when he lies next to me. He clears his throat and starts the next chapter and I scoot closer to him. He wraps an arm under my neck and smoothly brings me up to rest my head on his chest as I'm falling asleep. He rubs my arm with his hand and I fall asleep to the sound of his voice in one ear, and the sound of his heartbeat in the other.

When I wake up, I can tell I've been out for a long time. I feel around and find myself wrapped up in the sheets of Jeno's bed. He must have moved me for better sleep. I stand up and slowly use the wall to make my way to the bathroom and shower. I shower quickly and dress in my own pajamas, a long sleeve sweater, and long soft gray pajama pants, then I make my way to living area and kitchen. When I reach the end of the hallway, I knock myself softly on the wall.

"Renjun, you should be in bed, you're not well," Jeno says from the kitchen.

I just shake my head and move slowly towards the kitchen counter where I find a stool and sit down.

"I didn't know you could be so defiant," he sighs.

He's chopping something up, very fast I might add, and throwing it into water.

"I'm really actually not."

"Then why won't you go to bed and rest?"

"Because it's not the doctor's order. Plus, I want to be out here with you. You can't keep me locked up in your room, I'll be bored to death there."

He just sighs again and continues his work.

"Are you cooking?"

"Yup. Chicken noodles for you. My dad taught me from a young age. He's a chef. Do you know how to cook?"

"Yeah, like top ramen," I laugh lightly.

"You know what I mean."

"Not really. Blind people can't really cook."

"Hmm. Do you wanna learn?"

"What? How to cook?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"I already told you, I'm blind."

"Nonsense, come here, I'll show you how it's done."

"Jeno–"

"I'm not taking no for an answer, come here."

I reluctantly get up and walk to the other side of the counter where he's working.

"Okay first, go wash your hands," he instructs.

"But...I just showered," I pout.

"Still gotta wash 'em, Jun."

I move back against the counter until my hands wander along the faucet and the soap next to it. After washing, I walk back over to Jeno.

"Alright, here's the knife, be careful," Jeno says handing me the knife's handle, "and the carrot's right under you in the chopping board."

"You're gonna need to help me or I'm gonna cut my hand off," I laugh.

Without another word, he moves behind me so my back is pressed tightly against his chest. He lies his arms against mine and covers my hands with his own, to guide my movements. I know he can probably feel my heartbeat quicken through his chest and my breathing becomes quicker. 

He leads my hand to the carrot so I can feel where it is and then he positions my fingers correctly around the handle of the knife so I won't hurt myself. His hands move mine and I chop downwards through the carrot.

"You see, you're doing it," he encourages.

"No...you're doing it."

"It counts."

We continue with the rest of the carrots and when they're all done, he lets me scoop them all up and drop them into the boiling broth.

"What's next?" I ask excitedly.

"Next is onion."

I scrunch my nose up and he laughs.

"No onion?"

"No...no! It's okay! It's your recipe and your dad's a chef so I trust you, it's fine."

"Okay...you're not gonna start crying on me are you?"

"Why...why would I cry?" I ask, my brows furrowed in confusion.

"You know...cause we're chopping onions..."

"Oh...is that a thing?"

"What do you mean is that a thing, you've never heard of that before?" He questions, astonished.

I turn back towards the chopping board and my shoulders rise and fall with a shrug.

We're both silent and I drop my head, hanging it low, almost in shame.

"Hey," he says lightly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed that you knew that, we grew up in very different households."

"But you should have known that," I think, my brain betraying me.

"Can you help me with the onion please?" I ask him timidly.

He answers my question by moving to his previous position, pressed close behind me. He hands me the knife and we get to work when I decide to let Jeno into my heart a little more. "When I was younger, I didn't get to watch television. I was homeschooled, by myself, mostly. Even before I was blind, the only TV show I saw was just glances of football games my dad was watching."

"Oh yeah?" He says, encouraging me to continue.

"I was kinda in solitary confinement—with my bedroom as the apartment closet, I mean. Anyway, I've worked since the age of 16, as many shifts as I can get, at this law firm. They pay me well and they treat me well. When I turned eighteen, they took all my homeschooling and made a resume for me. I applied to college here because I can't afford to commute or live anywhere besides the apartment."

"I'm glad you got it," he whispers in my ear. He takes a chance and leans down to rest his chin on my shoulder as he continues to guide my movements and chop the rest of the onion.

"So anyway...as you can see, I missed out on a lot of those little phases or just...things that people know. Things that make us human..."

I'm quiet as we finish the onion and this time he scoops it up and dumps it in, stirring the liquid with a big spoon.

"This is coming along quite nicely," he observes. "Alright, time for the celery. You wanna try this one on your own?"

"No...I like...I like doing it together. I mean...when you help me."

"Me too."

He grabs the celery and washes it off before putting it on the board. I get myself in position and almost prepare for him to slide in behind me. When he does, my shoulders relax and I melt into him. We begin chopping up the celery and I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of it.

"Do you dream?" Jeno asks suddenly.

I'm a bit taken aback by the question but I nod slowly.

"Yeah."

"In color?"

"Sometimes."

"Can you tell me about it?"

"Um, alright..." I clear my throat. "So, all my dreams that reflect back from before I was blind are in some color. Those times were mostly dark anyway. Most of my dreams are dark, but those are the only ones with color at all. When I dream about anything after being blinded, there aren't any colors, or any clear images really."

"What is it like dreaming about people?"

"Well, with you, when I dream I see kinda a strange grey blur of what I think is you, or how I imagine you look."

"You dream about me?" I can practically hear his smirk.

I open my mouth and then shut it, blushing.

"Busted," he whispers.

"Sometimes," I admit, blushing.

"What could help you get a proper image of me?" He asks.

"Um, I'm not sure if I want to answer that..." I laugh.

"Why not? Afraid I won't like the answer?"

"No...I'm afraid you'll like it too much."

He stops all chopping and sets the knife down, then he backs up from me and turns me around to face him.

"Well, you have to tell me now."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes, you do," he chuckles playfully.

"Fine. I would have to...I would have to touch you. Feel you, I mean."

He's quiet for a minute as he places the knife back in my hand and moves back into our previous position to start chopping again.

"Oh yes, I have to agree, I like that answer very much."

"Don't think like that!" I laugh.

"What! I can't help it!" He teases. "You touching me?" He fakes a shiver and I go red from embarrassment.

"Oh my god, Jeno!"

"I'm sorry," he lies.

"You're a terrible liar."

This makes him chuckle and he breaks from me to dump the celery into the soup. The noodles are done cooking so he drains them and throws them into the pot along with everything else.

"It wouldn't be anything below the belt obviously," I say from behind me. He starts laughing because he knows I'm trying hard to backtrack and tell him what I really mean.

"Jeno," I groan in frustration. "I'm serious. It would just like what I did with your hand that day in class."

"Suuuure, it would," he teases some more.

I groan and put my head in my hands, moving back around the counter to flop down in the stool.

"How much longer does the soup need?" I ask desperately trying to change the subject.

"Why? How much energy are you going to need for this touching, Jesus," he teases even more.

I groan loudly in frustration and bury my head in my hands once more. "I don't even want to know what you look like anymore," I sigh, slightly annoyed with him.

He just chuckles while throwing in salt and pepper to the mixture. He's stirring it when I come up behind him and rest a hand on his shoulder.

"Can I help some more?"

He hands me the big wooden spoon and I begin stirring the pot.

"It smells really good," I laugh.

"Well, I'm just hoping you won't puke it up."

"I won't, I promise. And Jeno, thanks for making this for me, really."

"Oh, it's no problem. I gotta take care of my boy," he says pressing a kiss to my cheek.

My stomach flips at the small gesture but a deep sick feeling root itself in me, like this will only end worse if I don't stop it right now. We're pushing the boundaries of flirting here. This is touching, even kissing, no matter how small gestures it is, and I can't help feeling that it's wrong.

"That was really good," I say to Jeno, finishing the last spoonful of the soup.

"Glad you like it."

We're quiet for a minute as he washes our dishes, then he asks, "So what's it like to be blind. Is it hard?"

"It used to be," I shrug. "You adapt."

"I wish there was a test run, like a free trial, so I could see what it's like for you."

I snort a laugh and shake my head. "Please Jeno, you wouldn't last being blind for a day. You rely on your vision for everything."

"Oh, really?" he asks, his voice challenging.

"Yes, really."

"Wanna bet?"

I smirk and nod.

"Alright then, let's set the rules. I have to be blind for a whole day, but you have to try and do the whole lab prep for our next lab."

"Fine," I say crossing my arms over my chest. "What are we betting over?"

"Loser has to sleep on the couch for a week."

I laugh and hold out my hand. "You're on."

The next day, I wrap a tie around Jeno's head. "There you go, welcome to the world of a blindy."

"Glad to be here," he chuckles. He feels his way down the hallway as I usually do and then stops. "You're reading to me today."

I nod excitedly and we both make our way over to the couch. I giggle as he stumbles and I have to catch him. I grab the braille version of Hatchet and open it to the page where we left off. Jeno moves around on the couch until his head falls on my lap and he relaxes. I don't question his actions and instead, start reading.

I close the book and sigh.

"So what should we do today?" I ask.

"I think I'll stay here all day," he says pushing himself further into my lap.

"That's not a challenge, you need a challenge."

"Oh shit!" He says, suddenly standing up.

"What?"

"My dad! He's opening a new restaurant today! I'm supposed to be there to help set up and dine and stuff!"

"How the hell did you forget about that? It's kind of a big deal!"

"I don't know, I've been kinda busy! You distract me! I blame you!"

"Well...go get ready!" I laugh.

He chuckles and hurries down the hallway. I hurry after him and follow him into his room.

"Renjun...I have to get changed."

I reach up quickly and touch the spot between his eyes.

"Ha! I knew it! You took the blindfold off!"

"Aw shit," he murmurs. "I just yanked it off when I was running in here I didn't even realize."

"I win!" I do a small victory dance and squeal when he picks me up and drops me on the bed. He's over me in a second, letting me know he's got me trapped.

"I'm willing to bargain. Anything to get off that damn couch," he teases.

"A bet's a bet. You're gonna stay on that couch and like it," I giggle.

"Damn, Renjun. How do you always manage to get me in these situations?"

I shrug and laugh.

"I'm whipped. I'm so whipped," he teases.

I laugh and nod my head. "That must be it," I say sarcastically. What I'm really thinking is  _ 'Being whipped implies that we're together, which we aren't. Okay, it was just a joke Renjun...chill.' _

He chuckles and leans closer to me, adjusting his body so he's hovering above me, holding his weight on his forearms. My heart pounds impossibly fast and hard.

"Hey," he says softly

"Hmm?" I reply nervously.

"You're going to be my plus one to this thing." He taps my nose and then gets up suddenly.

I prop myself up on my elbows, my brows furrowed in confusion.

"I am?"

"Yup."

"But I–"

"No buts, go get dressed."

"What do I wear?" I ask.

"Something fancy."

"Fancy?"

"Yeah, it's a five-star restaurant."

My mouth falls open and I scrabble out of his bed.

"Oh no no no, I am not going to this."

"Oh yes yes yes, you are."

I stomp my foot and cross my arms over my chest, "Jeno, no."

"You're cute when you're frustrated," he chuckles.

"Hey!" I grab his pillow and throw it in his direction.

"Hey back! I'm going to get you back for that later."

"Jeno," I sigh, serious. "I don't do fancy."

"Well, today you do—hey can you help me with this tie?"

"You're wearing a suit?"

He walks closer to me. "See for yourself."

"Ha-ha, very funny," I say sarcastically. I grab the tie and start tying it.

"What's wrong?" He asks as I'm struggling with the tie. I guess I was wearing my resting worry face.

"I just don't have anything to wear, and I don't know how to be fancy."

He brushes a piece of hair behind my ear and his fingers linger. Stop with the affectionate touching.

"It's easy. Just pretend you live in a huge ranch house with twenty horses."

I laugh and finish with the tie. I leave it loose and pull on a mental picture of what he's wearing. White long sleeve shirt, slim black tie, black dress pants.

"What am I supposed to wear? I only have those I wear in school, not formal and old."

"Luckily for you," he says, "we're going to pick up mom."

"Oh, Renjun sweetheart, you look stunning," Jeno's mother says.

"Are you sure I can wear this? What if I get it dirty or rip it or something?"

"Hun, don't worry. If anything bad happens, Jeno still has a hundred other clothes to choose from, and this one is for you."

I stand still as she fixes my hair, to make my hair look fancy and formal.

She did one last stroke and then rests her hands on my shoulders.

"Umm, Mrs. Lee?" I ask.

"Yes, dear?"

I clear my throat. "What do the clothes look like?"

"Oh..." she pauses and I hear a vibration in her voice that only mothers get. Sympathy for a child.

"Well, it's navy blue, and it's silk as you can probably tell, and on you, it's absolutely breathtaking."

I smile and turn around, pulling her into a hug.

"Thank you so much."

She squeezes me back tightly and I hear her sniffle.

"There is one small thing missing though dear," she says, pulling me away.

"Yes?"

She gently pulls the glasses away from my eyes and closes them shut in her hands.

My body reacts negativity immediately and all I want is my glasses back on. "Just for tonight. I'll keep them in my purse so you can take them back anytime you want, and now that I think of it, there is one more thing missing."

"What?"

"Your date," she whispers.

I smile politely and she helps me downstairs.

"Are you guys ready yet!?" Jeno yells impatiently. I can tell from the direction of his voice that he's facing away from us. When his mom's heels clack against the hardwood and I clear my throat, I hear his shoes squeak as he swivels around.

"Wow," he says, walking over to us.

Next to me, he kisses his mother's cheek and says, "You look beautiful, mom."

"Thank you, Jeno."

Then he turns to me and kisses my cheek as well.

"You look incredible," he whispers in my ear.

"Thank you," I blush. "You look pretty nice yourself."

"Hmm, you can't even see me," he whispers.

"And yet...I can tell."

He chuckles and pulls away from my ear.

"Ready?"

"Absolutely," I nod. Jeno hooks his arm through mine and leads me to his car, his mother close behind us.

He opens my door for me and shuts it once I'm in. He does the same for his mother who's sitting in the roomy back seat, then he goes around to his side and gets in, starting the car.


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Jeno's POV**

Incredible is an understatement. Astonishing, breathtaking, beautiful, words can't compare. He's one of a kind.

As soon as we arrived at the restaurant, I was pulled away to help out in the kitchen, at the bar, everywhere. We were all let inside, so for the first few hours, the restaurant's full of busy employees. Renjun and mom have to wait at a table while I help out. I wish I could be there with him but unfortunately, there's no getting around the rules, especially with dad as the owner. Renjun seemed very understanding and completely alright with waiting, but that's just how he is. When we finally open at seven, I grab Renjun and lead him to one of the date tables.

"Sorry mom, he's mine for the rest of the night," I say. Mom just laughs and waves goodbye to us.

I pull out Renjun's chair and push him in when he sits, then I join him at the other side of the table and relax for the first time since we've gotten here.

"Oh god, it feels good to sit down," I say, rolling my sleeves up. People start to fill in the chairs and tables in fancy attire and manner of speech.

Renjun picks the menu up off of the table and then sits it down again giggling.

"I'll order for you," I offer.

He smiles and nods. I grab his hand from across the table.

"Renjun, can this be a date?"

"Umm..."

There's a long pause, one that feels like it lasts an eternity. He shakes his head and looks down. I rub my thumb on the back of his hand.

"Jeno, I'm not ready."

"Okay, that's totally cool. Just friends having dinner."

He nods and smiles as something sinks inside me. Just then the waiter comes over to us.

"Can I get you something to drink?" He asks.

"We'll both have water," I say, pulling my hand away from Renjun's.

"To start?" he asks, confused.

"No, as our drink."

"Are you sure, sir? We have an excellent selection of wines..."

"Jeno, if you want to get some it's fine," Renjun says to me quietly. I shake my head no.

"No thanks, that's it," I say to the waiter. He nods and walks away, reluctantly.

"Jeno, you didn't have to–"

"I know," I interrupt.

He nods and the waiter comes back with our waters. I ask for a few more minutes to order.

"Are you okay with lamb?" I ask him. "It's one of my dad's best recipes."

"Oh, of course! I'll eat whatever," he smiles sweetly. I notice his hands wringing together nervously. I have to break the ice somehow.

"I'm really glad you came with me tonight."

"Me too," he smiles again, his eyes twinkling.

"And I'm really glad you decided to take your glasses off."

"Yeah, that was kinda scary," he replies honestly, looking down.

"You're really brave, Renjun."

He looks up at me and I can only imagine what it must be like to see darkness all the time.

"So," I say changing the subject, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. "Are you coming to my next competition?"

"When is it?"

"It's a while from now, I think four weeks away. I'd really love it if you were there."

"Umm, maybe I can make it...but my work starts again soon."

"Work? The law firm?"

"Yeah, they're opening up a new case, it's kinda my big leap from assistant to lawyer."

"Are you prosecuting?" I ask, a little shocked.

"I might be," he says proudly.

"Wow, Renjun that's incredible! Screw the competition, I'm coming to the trial."

I say jokingly, we both know I have to go to this competition, but I still see a spark of hope ignite in him.

"So," he sighs. "What is Brian going to do?"

I laugh, happy that he enjoys our reading sessions and is making references to Hatchet. "You'll see."

I'm distracted with his previous news and I don't like how he swept it under the rug.

"Okay wait, let's backtrack. How long have you been at the law firm?"

His fingers tick off numbers and it makes me smile. "I'm 20 so this will be my fourth year."

"Well, they have to give you the case then, right?"

"I don't know. I hope so. It's not a huge case."

"What type of case?"

"Criminal."

"Wow. That's some heavy stuff."

"It is, luckily I don't have to even see them," he jokes, laughing lightly, "and I have a sorta cushion. The disability cushion. They're not gonna hurt someone who's already blind, it's kinda an unspoken rule."

I chuckle but it's not really funny at all. Just the thought of someone trying to hurt him has me uneasy.

"Are you ready for our Chem midterm?" Great, now I'm the one changing the subject.

"Umm. I think. I hope. Maybe we could cram in a study session at the library?"

We didn't have a Chem class for the last week and I was actually very thankful because of everything that happened with Renjun.

"Yeah, I think I need a touch up myself."

"Oh," he says realizing something. "I've been meaning to ask you, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

"Oh, that's coming up soon huh?"

He nods.

"Usually I go to this huge pit party at the beach. Everyone brings food. It's really fun, you should totally come."

He smiles lightly and shrugs. "Maybe."

Just then the waiter walks back over, ready to take our order.

I order the lamb for both of us and after the waiter left, I turn my attention back to Renjun. He looks confused.

"What's on your mind?"

He shakes his head like he was in a trance and adjusts his line of sight to me.

"Oh, I was just wondering what your parents do for thanksgiving."

"Oh, they do their own thing. They go all out. It's insane."

"Why don't you have Thanksgiving with them?" He asks, then he looks shocked at his own words and shakes his head and hands trying to erase what he said. "I'm not minding my own business," he says.

"No, it's okay. I understand. You're wondering why I'm out partying instead of spending valuable time with my parents."

He nods slowly.

I shrug. "'Cause I'm 20, I guess. They invite me every year, but I kinda got my fill from my childhood."

He nods like he understands me but he's chewing on the inside of his cheek and I feel the vibes of judgment.

"Renjun, that's not fair you're being...judgy.."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" He apologizes immediately. "I didn't mean to be. It's just different for me. You know?"

"How so?"

"I've never had a Thanksgiving," he shrugs.

Great, now I really feel like a dick.

I groan and tilt my head back. "Renjun, I'm sorry I feel like such an asshole." I'm here going to a party and having my parents' Thanksgiving available to me while he's never had a family Thanksgiving. I know he won't go to the party, which means he's probably alone on Thanksgiving again.

"No, don't feel bad!" He says. "It's totally fine."

"You can totally go to my parents' house if you want, I'm sure they'd love the company."

It's silent for a moment and then I shut my eyes.

Nice move douche! Let's ask the boy you like to have Thanksgiving dinner with your parents without you! While you're at a party! Or you could have offered to do your own Thanksgiving with him, asshole!

"That's really sweet, Jeno. I'll think about it," he smiles, touching my hand across the table to show his appreciation.

He's fucking excited about spending Thanksgiving with my parents because he's never had one. I feel pathetic.

Just then my dad walks up to us.

"Hey dad," I greet.

He pats me on the back and looks over at Renjun.

"I don't believe we've met," he says, "I was just having dinner with my wife when I realized my son has a date with him."

"It's nice to meet you," he says pulling his hand away from mine and outstretching it. "I'm Renjun."

"Yunho," he says shaking his hand. "Dear, if you don't mind me asking, are you alright? You look a bit dazed."

"Oh yes, I'm alright," he smiles.

He nods and then squints slightly at him.

"It's just your eyes look a bit odd if you don't mind me saying."

I see his face fall in the smallest bit of sadness. He covers it well as he tilts his head back up.

"Oh yes, that's because I'm blind."

"You're blind?" he whispers like it's a secret.

He nods.

"Oh my, I'm terribly sorry." I hate it when dad talks like this. Like he's some super formal mayor or some shit. At home he cusses and laughs and watches baseball but here he has to be such a...prick.

"It's alright," he shrugs. This conversation is making him uncomfortable, I can tell. My dad clears his throat. "Well then, how are you enjoying the restaurant?"

"It's lovely," he smiles.

"But how can you tell if you cannot see?" My father asks.

"Dad," I warn. This is how he gets, he's anxious for feedbacks. I understand he's worked hard to get where he's at, but not to the extent of making a guest uncomfortable. This is bullshit though, he's only doing it because he's my guest. If he were any other diner, he wouldn't bat an eye at him.

"Well...it's hard to say, sir. All I know is the restaurant is lovely because your son has given me the best evening I could possibly imagine."

"But he hasn't even bought you wine, what is this, water?"

"He doesn't drink, dad," I say my jaw clenched.

"Not even the best wine? Your dinner's on me, that's a very gracious gift you're dismissing."

"Dad,"

"You know I use that wine in some of the dressings, you wouldn't have those either?"

My eyes flicker to him wary of how this is affecting him.

Dad looks flustered and the waiter is standing behind him.

I wave the waiter forward, then I turn around to flash my mom eyes of warning. She catches them and stands up to walk over.

"Here is our lamb special," the waiter says, setting the plates down in front of us.

"The dressing that's drizzled in has wine in it. Hell the lamb itself was marinated in wine!" He says.

"Enough, father," I warn again.

Mom comes over and her eyes flit from dad to Renjun to me. The waiter leaves and Renjun releases a shaky breath.

"I just don't understand! It's so ungrateful! I've raised you better Jeno!"

"What's going on?" Mom asks.

Dad leaves and I can finally breathe. I focus on Renjun when I catch him walking back over to our table with a bottle of wine in hand.

"Here. You will both stop being so ridiculous and drink now," he chuckles deeply like it's some kind of fucking joke.

"Dad, we are not drinking."

"Jeno, it's okay you can drink," Renjun says quietly.

"No, I won't."

"This wine costs hundreds and you're going to refuse it?!"

Renjun's body language obviously reveals how this conversation is affecting him and my heart begins to ache for him.

"By god, sit up boy! This is a five-star restaurant, not a pig pen!" Dad snaps.

There's a second when everything is still and then all at once mom slaps his arm hard and yells, "Yunho!" Renjun stands up and runs outside, probably crying, and I stand up to face him, furious.

"Alcohol makes him sick dad! You know nothing about him! How dare you!" With that, I rush outside into the cold air just in time to find him calling a cab. I gently take the phone from his hand before he can tell the company his address. I wipe the tears away from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry."

"No, don't be sorry, he's right. I told you I don't do fancy. I'm from the wrong side of the tracks Jeno. I'm used to the pigpen, not the castle, and..." he gestures to me, "prince charming."

I tuck a stray piece of hair behind his ear and his lips are so close...I could easily close the gap, but he doesn't want it and I have to respect that.

"Renjun, I'm pissed at him, like really pissed. I probably won't talk to him for the rest of the night, but I have to stay."

He nods and takes his phone back from my hand.

"I'll go back to my place."

His place?

"Woah, woah, no. That can't happen. You aren't safe there."

"Okay, well then I'll go back to your place," he sighs.

"The way I see it, there are two things we could do. One, you can go home, and be the person on the wrong side of the tracks, but that side of the tracks will always be there. Or two, you can go back inside with me, and for one night, we can live on the right side of the tracks."

He sniffles and wipes his eyes carefully. After a moment of deciding, he nods.

"Okay," he says. "Lead the way."

As soon as we're back in the restaurant, my father apologizes, but Renjun's too kind and he won't have it. He tells him it's fine and it was his fault, that he was right, and that he should have been more polite or explained his condition. My blood is boiling by the time he sits down again. I shoot him a look that tells him he's not forgiven in my book.

"Jeno?" He asks.

I turn around. "Yeah?"

"Can you ask your mom for my glasses?"

I shut my eyes slowly, feeling myself getting lost in the hole I'm digging. I'm getting in deep with him, I need to get control of my emotions.

"Sure," I say, even though it makes my chest ache for him. It's a defense mechanism, a wall. Now he has to hide again. I go over to my mom and tell her that Renjun asked for his glasses. She sighs and hands them to me, giving dad the same look that I gave him a minute ago.

The rest of the night is filled with small talks, lots of it. Favorite books, color, food, what classes we're taking, etc. The car ride home is silent besides the hum of the radio. Mom went home with dad early, so I was put in charge of closing. Renjun and I are the last ones to leave and we get back by 12:30.

"So what are you going to do tonight?" He asks, kicking off the shoe mom lent him.

"I don't know. I was thinking maybe I'd watch a movie."

"Would it be okay if I stuck around for a little while?"

"Yeah of course," I smile.

"What are you gonna watch?" Renjun asks cutting through my train of thought.

"Um, 300," I say choosing the first movie my eyes land on.

"Oh, I heard that one's really good," he smiles.

I think he can sense how uncomfortable I am. He's trying to make the fact that I'm watching a movie and he can't see, easier for me. God, why does he have to be such an angel?

"Yeah, it's one of my favorites," I reply uneasily.

While he changes into his pajamas, I ready the movie and take my spot at the end of the couch. The movie begins and Renjun comes out a little bit later. He sits in the middle of the couch, just out of my reach.

As the movie continues, it gets uncomfortable. The blood and gore is one thing, but the sound is another. I shut my eyes during one scene to try and see what it's like for Renjun. It's just the sound of slashing and yelling, and blood spurting. The action somehow gets worse and then he's flinching at the sounds. I don't know what to do. When a horse is killed and whines out in pain he jolts up into a standing position.

"I think I'm gonna go to sleep," he says softly.

"Renjun...I'm sorry I shouldn't have chosen this movie."

"No no! It's okay! I get it, guys are into all that stuff."

"All what stuff?"

"Blood...and...death."

"No, I'm not...I'm not into all that stuff Renjun," I say pausing the movie.

"Jeno, you said it was one of your favorites."

"Well..."

"Well, nothing. It is, and that's perfectly fine. Don't change what you like because of me."

I'm silent for a minute and he takes this as his cue to go.

"Okay well, goodnight."

"Night," I mumble, disappointed with myself.

He walks into my room and once I hear the door close, I play the movie again.

It just pisses me off watching it now. I don't care if he's not in here with me. Here I am, watching this stupid fucking movie. I want to puke from the sick disgusting noises coming from my apartment surround system. God, I hate myself. I close my eyes, trying to put myself in the hell that I made him deal with. I slowly grow more and more drowsy and I let myself take me right there on the couch. I'm only pulled under from sleep for an hour or so when my eyes heavily pull open. The credits for the movie are scrolling down the screen and I click it off immediately, then I sit forward, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Oh, hey did the movie finish?" Renjun's voice calls out from the doorway. It startles me and I jump in my place.

"Jesus Renjun, you startled me," I sigh running a hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry. I know it's late. I couldn't sleep. How was the movie?"

"I actually didn't catch the ending, I fell asleep."

"Oh, well you should probably get some good sleep, you can take the bed tonight."

I'm too tired to protest so I shrug and nod. He steps into the bathroom while I stand up and I'm heading towards my room when the door swings open and he walks out, slamming right into me.

"Woah there," I chuckle. "You need something?"

"Um.." he stands there nervously rocking from his heels to toes and wringing his hands together. "I was just wondering..."

"Yeah?" I chuckle.

"I was wondering if you would let me know what you look like?"

I pause for a long moment, processing.

"You want me to tell you what I look like?"

He shakes his head no.

"Could I..."

I'm silent for a second before I take his hand and lead him onto the bed in my room.

"Okay," I say sitting down, my back against the headboard.

He sits very close to me and I lead his hand to my cheek. He pulls away and swings a leg over my waist, so he's straddling me. _Oh fuck!_

"Don't be freaked out okay?" He says softly, apparently not knowing what he's doing to my body.

I nod my head and he starts with his fingers lying gently at the base of my neck. They travel upwards until they've reached my jaw, and then they travel down my jawline to my chin.

My eyes shut heavily at the feel of his fingers feathering over me. From there they lift up the sides of my cheeks around my forehead, hairline, and around my eyes until they reach my lips. I give his fingertips a tiny kiss and he laughs then his fingers make the round again, this time much slower.

"What color is your hair?" He asks, pushing his hands through my hair. Fuck that feels good!

"Brown."

"Be more specific," he says softly.

"Dark brown," I chuckle.

Then his hands go around to my eyes and brush down my face to my jaw.

"What color are your eyes?"

"Like my hair. Dark brown."

His hands continue to explore, always stopping at my collarbone although every fiber of my body wants him to explore more. Then, his hands fall and he sighs, moving his leg to dismount me. I grab his thigh and pull him back over me.

"Nope," I mutter. "Don't move, or leave, please."

He relaxes into me and I begin to nod off as his fingers trace my features gently and softly. It's only then I notice that I'm holding on to his thighs and rubbing small circles into them with my thumbs.

"Renjun, go out with me."

He laughs lightly. "You're falling asleep, Jeno, I think you mean go to bed."

"Hmm," I hum drunk under his touch. "Do you have a good idea of what I look like yet?"

"It's sort of like a puzzle, the more time I spend on it, the more the image comes together."

"Well, take as long as you need."

I glance at the clock and see that it reads 3 AM. I blackout after that.

I wake up cold in the morning. I stretch out and feel around for him but he isn't there. Reluctantly, I get up and change from my dress clothes into a pair of sweats, which I never did last night. I don't bother putting a shirt on because I'm lazy. I look over at my alarm clock which reads 4 AM and groan. It's too early, but I trudge down the hallway to find Renjun. There's a soft hum that I recognize from the television and I spot him curled into the corner of the couch. I shift my gaze to the television. He's watching... well, listening to old videos of me surfing.

"Hey," I greet.

He jumps in surprise and scrambles for the remote to shut the television off.

"Oh god, sorry, I didn't mean to go through your stuff, I just...was curious and I couldn't sleep."

"Renjun relax," I trudge over to him and flop next to him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Sorry," he whispers. "I couldn't sleep."

"Why not?" I yawn.

He's quiet for a long time and I think he's contemplating if he should tell me the truth.

"After you fell asleep, I went back to the couch and I don't know...I just couldn't sleep."

"Next time just stay in the bed," I sigh sleepily. I push my face into the crook of his neck and shut my eyes.

He traces small shapes over my hand and sighs. "I'm a little irritated with you if I'm being honest," he says. I pull up and explore his face, worried about what I did, but he's bluffing so I play along.

"What'd I do now?"

"Your ass lost that bet. Therefore you should have been on the couch."

I chuckle and scoop him up in arms one motion. He squeals but doesn't fight me as I take him back down the hallway to my room. I gently set him down on the bed so his head is on my pillow.

"Two things," I say. "One, I told you I was willing to bargain anything to get off that damn couch, and that's still definitely going to happen. Two–" I pull the pillow out from under his head.

"Hey!"

"Two," I continue, "you threw this sucker at me yesterday, and I told you I was going to get you back for it later, and that's also still definitely going to happen."

He smiles and yawns. "Okay."

"Tired now?"

"Hmmm..."

I pull him close to me and he shifts so his back is to me. He won't get away that easily. I shift myself and wrap my arms around his stomach pulling him close so his back is pressed tightly against my chest.

He hums and his arms cover mine before he falls asleep.


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Renjun's POV**

Oh my god. How did this happen? I don't know where the hell my limbs are. Actually, I do know where they are. They're in Jeno's bed, tangled with his limbs. How the hell did we manage to get this tangled? I work to free myself from his grasp without waking him up.

"Stop it Jun, I'm sleeping," he slurs tired, pulling me against him tighter.

My stomach flips with butterflies, but I relax into him. After what feels like a long time, I make another attempt to leave but he grumbles at me.

"Would you stop squirming so much?"

He's grumpy this morning and it's pretty amazing.

"Jeno," I whisper, "I have to pee."

He chuckles and swings his forearm over his eyes. "TMI Renjun."

"It's the only way you'll let me up."

He chuckles again. "True."

He unwinds his arms and I get up to use the restroom. Once I'm done, I crawl back into the bed with him and snuggle into his side.

"All better?" He asks.

I giggle and nod my head against his chest. He wraps me up in his arms and again we both doze off once more.

I'm shaken awake with some movement of Jeno. I grab onto him tighter.

"Renjun, I gotta piss."

I hold him tighter.

"That's not fair, I let you go," he chuckles.

I laugh softly but don't release him.

"Seriously, Renjun. It'll take like 30 seconds..."

Reluctantly, I release him and he hurries to the bathroom. He's not gone for long but the whole time I feel cold. Everything is cold compared to being in his arms. When I hear the toilet flush I turn over adjusting my position. The sink runs and several seconds later, Jeno gets back in bed, under the covers with me.

"What time is it?" I yawn.

He shifts and then says "7:24."

I groan.

"If my Math is correct that means you got about three hours of sleep last night and I got four hours with my little nap while you were listening to my surf videos," he says softly.

I nod and yawn again. When he makes no effort to move closer to me, I take the bait, and snuggle closer to him myself, fitting myself into his side. He chuckles and wraps his arms around me. I'm blurring the lines of friendship and more than friendship. Like way blurring the lines, and I know it. I'm just not caring as much. He knows it too, and he's taking advantage of it.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

"Don't leave..." I mumble sleepily.

"I won't, but for later."

I sigh into his chest. "Pancakes."

"Okay."

"But lemme make them with you," I mumble.

I feel him smile against my hair.

"Okay."

Sleep is a strange thing. Being tired is like being drunk. It makes you say and do things without realizing the effect, but I say my judgment's pretty good because of the effect of cuddling with Jeno when I'm tired, having cuddled with Jeno. That's just it, there is no downside. Dreaming is a different story. Nightmares suck yeah, but dreams, and not just dreams but those really good dreams, they mess with your mind. Here's the punch line—I thought I was having a really good dream when I was in his arms, but it wasn't a dream. It was reality.

There's another reality, one that I'm thinking about when I wake up in his arms again. This reality is worse. It's scary, like really really terrifying. This reality is called I'm falling for him.

"Good...afternoon, nope, evening," Jeno says upon my awakening.

We're in a new position now. I'm so tangled I don't understand. It sucks not being able to see him, see what our bodies look like together. I reach up and touch his jaw.

"Sorry," I say immediately, pulling away.

He knows something is wrong. He touches my cheek himself.

"What's up?"

"I just wish I could see you."

It's quiet for a second and Jeno brushes a piece of hair away from my face. "You don't need to have functioning eyes to be able to see me," he says, "you already can."

I nod and smile. We both know it's not the same, but it's enough for now.

"So about those pancakes," Jeno starts, "I was thinking pumpkin, 'cause it's getting really close to Halloween."

"Mmm yum, that sounds good."

"Also, I need you to be in my good graces for when I tell you about Halloween."

That gets my attention. "What?"

"First, food. K?"

I nod and stand, making my way to the kitchen, where I flop down on a stool.

"So what's up with Halloween?"

He clears his throat. "Every year, I throw a huge party here. I decorate and get a shit load of candy and my friend, Jaemin, comes and makes this incredible punch, it's a ton of fun."

"Okay," I smile and shrug.

"Umm, okay?" he questions, pulling things out of the fridge and cupboard.

"You act like I'm going to protest or something," I laugh.

"You're not going to?"

I scoff. "No, it's just a party, I can deal, it actually sounds kind of exciting" I hear a package being opened and then Jeno places a spoon in my hand.

"Exciting? I...Renjun you don't have to stay if you don't want to," he pushes a bowl in front of me.

I stir whatever is inside and my eyebrows raise.

"Are you un-inviting me to your party?"

"No, no of course not. I just don't know...I guess I don't like the idea of you being unsafe."

I open my mouth to say something but he cuts me off.

"There's going to be a lot of people here. I'll try to keep my eyes on you but..."

"Jeno, that's ridiculous. You shouldn't have to be babysitting me the whole night. I'll just go to the bookstore," I stop the stirring when he pulls the bowl away from me and I hear something sizzle on a grill or pan.

"Are you sure?" He sounds relieved.

I nod and smile to reassure him.

"Alright, come here, I'm gonna teach you how to flip these suckers."

I stand up and make my way around the counter. I'm about to place my hand somewhere when Jeno catches it.

"Okay, that's the grill so let's not put your hand there."

"Right," I laugh nervously, feeling like an idiot.

"I want you to feel my wrist and see what I'm doing when I flip it okay, and then you can try and mimic it."

I nod and place my hand over his wrist. It twists and flips and then I hear the pancake sizzling.

"Got it?" He asks.

I nod and he steps to the side, handing me the spatula, then he grabs my wrist and moves the spatula underneath one of the pancakes.

"Whenever you're ready," he says releasing my hand.

I release a deep breath and try to mimic the movements of Jeno's wrist. But after I make the movement I hear no sizzle. Jeno immediately starts cracking up. I set the spatula down and turn to face him.

"Oh god, what happened?" I ask.

"It hit the ceiling," he laughs.

My jaw drops open in shock.

"You're kidding."

"No, it hit the ceiling and then fell on the counter."

I pick up the spatula and shove it at his chest. "Okay well, I think I'm done for the day. I'll just go back to bed."

He chuckles and takes the spatula from my hand.

"Don't forget to take your medicine," he reminds me.

"I feel better..."

"I know Renjun, but the doctor told you to finish the prescription, just for good measure."

I sigh and grab the bottle of pills off the counter, pulling out two and swallowing them.

"Atta boy."

I trudge over to the couch and sit down, pulling my legs up to my chest.

"You wanna watch something?" He asks.

"No, that's alright, I think I'll read."

I grab my book from where I left it on the table in front of me.

"You better be reading that aloud," he chuckles, still laughing about my pancake flipping fail.

I smile and nod. "Okay."

I clear my throat and flip the book open to where I have my bookmark placed.

"Chapter ten. He could not at first leave the fire..."

"So how do you think you did?" Jeno asks me about the mid final we both just took once leaving our Chem class.

"I think I did pretty good. That study session really helped."

"Yeah, it did."

"Jeno!" A voice yells from behind us.

Jeno stops walking beside me so I stop as well, as footsteps run up to us.

"Hey man," Jeno greets.

"Hey, I'm coming over to make the sauce."

"The sauce?" I ask.

It's silent and I imagine their eyes gaze has transferred to me.

"Oh, hey, Jaem this is Renjun, Renjun, Jaemin."

"Hi," I give a small wave.

"Hey, you're–"

"Blind," I finish for him.

"Well, I was gonna say the roommate but, uh, yeah, Jeno has told me that you're blind too."

Wow, I'm an idiot. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I just get used to people beating around the bush and I wanted to get it out of the way."

"It's cool, I understand," Jaemin says.

Jeno chips in. "You know the awesome punch I was telling you about, Jaemin calls it 'The Sauce'."

"Oh, I see."

"Punch?" Jaemin laughs. "It's more like 90% alcohol and 10% lemonade."

"Well, whatever it is, it tastes damn good."

Jaemin laughs and I smile.

"When's the party?" I ask.

"Two nights before Halloween," Jeno says.

"Wow, just a few days away?"

"Yeah, time to get to work."

"Hey Jun!" I hear Jaemin call from the other room.

I stand up confused and close my computer where I've been studying. I make my way to the kitchen and smile.

"Yeah?"

"Come here, quick, I need you to stir this."

I walk forward and he places a...well a stick, a huge plastic stick in my hand.

I stir the liquid below me.

"Holy... how much of this is there?" I ask.

He chuckles and rips something open.

"A few years ago, Jeno and I went to Home Depot and bought a huge trash can. It's clean and everything, but we use that every year. It fits 95 gallons."

"Are you kidding me?!"

"Nope. This is the biggest party of the year, people get slammed. I mean you have never seen people more shit-faced."

I mouth 'wow' and Jaemin laughs. "You gonna be sober?"

I nod and then shake my head. "I'm actually not going to be here."

"Why not, you live here don't you?"

"Well yeah, but I feel bad. I don't think Jeno wanted me to stay. Speaking of which, where is he?"

"He went to the store to buy more vodka. Anyway, I'm sure that's not true, when we train he won't shut up about you."

"Train? You surf, too?"

"I used to. Not really anymore but I still go with Jen and yell at him."

I laugh and Jaemin pours something into the trash can. He takes the stick from me and stirs himself. I sit at the counter deciding to keep him company.

"How long have you known Jeno?"

"Damn, 9, 10 years? We're childhood friends."

"Really? That must have been super cool when you both got accepted to the same college."

"Yeah, it was. I mean we're juniors now and last year was one of Jeno's biggest year, but I still remember when we were just freshman in high school. Jen didn't have a clue what he was going to do with his life."

"Hmm," I twiddle with my fingers and try to think up more small talk.

"What are you majoring in?"

"Business," he sighs.

"You don't want to be?"

"Hell no, but I don't really have a choice. My dad's a big business kind of guy and he's paying for my college tuition."

"Ohh. Well, what do you want to do?"

"Honestly, I love Science. I don't know. Art and history and shit, I could stare at it all day and not understand but Science just clicks for me."

"Jaem, that's awesome. You should tell your dad."

"I think he'd disown me."

"Well, I think it's your life, not his," I shrug. "He can screw off."

He chuckles. "I like you Huang Renjun. We're going to be good friends."

I smile. "I hope so."

"So, how about you? What's your major?"

"Law."

"Oh, yeah! I need someone to back me up if the cops crash this party."

I laugh and nod. "I guess I'm your boy."

The door opens and Jeno walks in.

"Okay dick, I got four cases of vodka that's like 24 bottles—oh, hey Renjun."

I smile and he sets the bottles down on the counter.

"What's up?" He asks.

"He was just helping me," Jaemin says, "and then he decided to stick around."

I smile and Jeno grumbles. "God knows why."

I hear Jaemin punch him in the shoulder and I giggle.

"Do you guys need help setting up or decorating or anything?" I ask.

Jaemin says, "Hell yes," at the same time Jeno says, "No, that's alright."

It's quiet for a second and I can tell that Jeno and Jaemin are exchanging glances.

"I mean, I can just hang stuff up or..."

"That's perfect," Jaemin says, "there are some streamers on the table, and there's a tape by them. Go crazy."

I walk to the table and open the streamers, standing up on the couch so I can begin to hang them. Jeno and Jaemin begin to have a conversation in whispers and I listen in for a minute, feeling rebellious.

"What the hell, dude," Jaemin whispers, "he wants to go to the party."

"No, he doesn't," Jeno scoffs quietly.

"Um, fuck yes, he does. I just talked to him and he said he thinks you don't want him to go."

"Fuck, that's not true. I want him there, I'm just worried that I'm gonna do something stupid and not be able to watch him. You know how crowded it gets and how drunk everyone gets. He's blind Jaem that's a recipe for disaster."

Ouch. I continue putting up streamers, twisting them as I make my way around the ceiling.

"What the fuck?!" Jaemin says loudly.

I hold in a laugh and turn away so they can't see me smiling.

"Please tell me why you aren't hitting that?" He continues.

I blush and stand up on my tiptoes to tape the streamer down.

"Jaem, I swear to god–"

"No, Jen, I'm dead serious. He's damn hot and he's real. He fucking talked to me about Science and he basically said my dad could fuck off."

I smile and stop listening there, feeling guilty that I'm intruding on someone else's private conversation. I hear them whispering more but I don't want to know what they're saying. That conversation alone is enough for me to process. I think he likes me, and I like him, but I don't know how relationships work, I've never been in a relationship my entire life.

"Hey," Jeno says beside me, startling me.

"Hey," I reply, stepping down.

"You don't think that I don't want you here, do you?"

I look down and shrug. "I don't know. I figured you'd want to hook up with someone and that'd be weird with me there... I guess."

"Oh my god Renjun, you could never be so wrong."

I keep my head tilted towards the ground.

"Renjun," he curls a finger under my chin and tilts my head up. "The only one I'm interested in isn't interested back."

I think back on his words from the other day. "You're really brave, Renjun." Be brave Renjun. Be brave.

"Maybe they are interested," I give a small shrug. "Maybe they just don't know how to act on it."

It's silent for a long time and my bravery falls apart like a crumbling tower.

"I would kiss you right now if my friend wasn't staring us down."

I blush and laugh, shaking my head. Too fast, way too fast... I need to slow down.

"Jeno, I'm saying we should label this as anything. I'm just saying...maybe...in time, there could be something."

"Okay," he says softly. "I can work on that."

"Jeno, we need more vodka!" Jaemin yells.

"Do you have any idea how much this is costing me?" He says turning around.

"You can afford it! Go!"

I giggle and Jeno brushes a piece of hair out my eyes. "I'll be right back. Unless you want to come with me? We can get pumpkins to carve, and candy?"

I nod eagerly and slip on my sneakers. We're out of the door in no time.

As soon as we're in the door, Jeno intertwines his hand with mine and the smell of spices hit me.

"Okay, first step, vodka," he sighs. I laugh and he squeezes my hand. 

"Renjun, I want you to know that you can totally stay for the party if you want to."

I nod. "Are you going to drink?"

"Hell yeah, I'm going—oh...maybe not."

"No no no no, you should, if you want to. If you want to, you should."

"No, I...it's not right. I won't."

"Stop," I say, pulling my hand away from his. "Don't do that. I don't want you to change. I don't...I don't want to be babysat."

"I wasn't...I didn't–"

"This was a bad idea," I say, my heart rate gaining pace. "What the hell was I thinking."

"Renjun," I hear him take a step towards me.

"No! Jeno, whatever it is, we can't do it. This living situation is already grounds for disaster and adding a relationship on top of that will destroy everything."

"You're not even willing to try?" He asks. "Look, I know you need time, but–"

"No, Jeno! You don't know the half of it! You don't know shit!" I'm shocked at my own words and my hand flies up over my mouth. I can feel the stares of other customers.

"What the hell, Renjun? You just went from zero to a hundred in a second, what the hell is going on?"

"I need to leave. I'm going to call a cab. I'll be back later. Don't try to call or text me because I won't pick up."

"What?! Where are you–"

"I just need to think!"

"Don't be a coward Renjun. You're quitting because you're scared that it's real, and you're ending it before it can begin because you know it will last! If you just gave it a shot–"

"Stop, Jeno!" I shake my head once and run outside.

I spend the rest of the day at the bookstore. The entire day, and night. Doyoung, the little bookstore owner isn't there today. No one's there, only the teenager at the downstairs coffee shop. I order dinner while I'm there and then I go to the bookstore.

No one ever came to get me, but when the teenager's shift changes, I suppose the new employee didn't know I was there. I was the only one in the store all day and it makes me sad. I hope to god they don't close down. I fall asleep in the nook that Jeno likes and he was right, it's freezing. The whole night is miserable.

The next morning I sleep in late and I finish the book I had been working on, And Then There Were None. I miss Hatchet but that's my book with Jeno and I left it at his place. I'm really angry with myself, and I'm really really sad. I just want to cry.

When I wake up, the store's open. I have to wait until the first employee finishes their shift because if I don't, they'll think I broke in and I don't want that. Unfortunately, they have a long shift. A really long shift. When the next employee finally comes in, it's 5 o'clock. Not that I have anything better to do. I know the party won't start for another few hours so I reluctantly suck up all my worry and go to face Jeno.

As I trudge up to his apartment door, tears prick at my eyes and I try my best to blink them away. Be brave Renjun.

I knock on the door and wait as it takes a minute to open.

"Renjun," Jaemin's voice says.

"I didn't feel like hiding anymore," I shrug.

A tear rolls down my cheek but I quickly wipe it away.

"He feels like shit, Jun."

"He shouldn't, I...I don't want him to, it's my fault. It's all my fault."

I walk inside and take my sling bag off.

"Renjun?" Jeno's voice says from behind me.

"Jeno, I'm so sorry–"

"What the fuck! Do you have any idea how worried I was about you? I was this close to calling the cops! Do you know how many times I called you? Where the hell did you go? I went searching for you! You weren't at the bookstore, you weren't at the library, or at school! You say you don't want to be babysat and then you run away like a child!"

I'm silent, taking the lecture that I deserve.

"Well?! What were you thinking?! How could you be so fucking stupid?!"

I shutter, more tears rolling down my cheek. I wipe them away quickly and move past him to his room. He knows he has taken it a step too far immediately and grabs my wrist.

"Renjun, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, I was just so worried–"

"Please don't touch me," I say, pulling my wrist from his grasp. "I won't be a disturbance to your party. I'll be quiet so please just leave me alone."

I don't wait for his response but hear Jaemin yelling at him as soon as the door closes.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Good luck getting with him now asshole!"

Jeno doesn't say anything and Jaemin says nothing more either. It's just silent. It's silent for a long time. An hour before the party begins they seem to get their energy back, then the music starts. Loud music, and from there the party begins. I lock the door so no horny partiers try to get in on inside the room. I plug my own earbuds in and blast my music all the way. I fall asleep and wake up much later. When I awake, I'm starving. I've eaten nothing all day. I leave the room to immediately get shoved into the wall by someone drunk.

"Jun!" A voice yells. I move towards the voice recognizing it as Jaemin's. Finally, I reach my destination.

"I was just looking for something to eat real quick."

I hear Jeno's voice from across the room yelling something drunk. Meanwhile, Jaemin hands me a paper plate with two slices of pizza on it.

"You're not drinking?" I ask.

"Nope, I was given the lucky responsibility of the designated driver."

"Sucks for you," I smile lightly.

"Yeah yeah, I don't wanna hear it," he chuckles.

"Okay, I'm gonna head back to the safe zone."

"Good idea."

I nod to him and rush back down the hallway but not without getting jostled a few times. Luckily, when I get back to the room it hasn't been taken over by anyone so I can eat my food in peace. The party goes on for much longer and I spend the time listening to music, sleeping, eating, and thinking about Jeno.

I wake up to the sound of puking. I know who it is. I get up and get dressed, then I travel to the bathroom where I knock on the door lightly and then open it up.

"Hey Jeno, is there anything I can get you? Maybe water?"

"Yeah," he says quietly.

I go to the fridge and get a water bottle for him.

I bring it back to hear him heaving again. I rub his back, remembering how he did the same for me.

When he finally stops and gasps for breath he asks, "Why are you doing this?"

"No one deserves to feel this way Jeno."

"I do. I'm pretty sure I'm well qualified to feel this way for what I said."

"I'm not angry with you, Jeno. I know I deserve it for what I did."

He tries to object but gets interrupted with more puking.

I kneel down and rub his back again. After a minute or so, it stops.

"Are you all done?"

"For now."

I grab his toothbrush and layer it with toothpaste. I hand it to him and he brushes for a solid 5 minutes.

"You should drink this," I say handing him the water bottle, "and if you can, change your clothes too."

"Okay," he says.

"And then sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. I gotta go to work."

He slouches down and rests his cheek on the bathroom tile. "The trial."

"Jeno, come on, you can't sleep down there."

"I can't move."

"You can. Come on, just ten steps."

He reluctantly stands up and takes tiny steps.

"That's ten," he says. We're not even out of the bathroom yet.

"Let's try something, take a really big step."

He takes one and I kiss him on the cheek. He takes another and I do it again.

"I like this method."

"Imagine if you ran," I joke.

He chuckles and takes a few more steps. He's in the room now. I press two kisses to his cheek. He takes four more steps and sits on the bed.

"Bye Jeno," I give him a little wave. "Drink water and change!" I reminded him before heading to work.


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Jeno's POV**

I think I love him.

I can tell you what was going through my mind when he said he liked me back. I just couldn't believe him. I thought he was messing with me, playing with my head. I don't know. Anyway, I went and fucked up big time, and somehow he found it in him to help me this morning. He really is an angel. I pass out and sleep for a little while until I wake up and vomit again. I swear, I've emptied all the contents of my body, I don't know how I'm still throwing up. More importantly, I have no clue how I'm going to make it to the Chem class tomorrow.

Renjun comes back late in the afternoon, during one of my puke sessions.

"Jeno?" He asks, approaching the bathroom.

My hands grip the seat of the toilet as my head pounds.

"Hi, Renjun..." I groan. "How'd it go?"

"I got the case," he says proudly.

I want to congratulate him but before I can, I throw up all my stomach contents. I gasp for breath and fall over once I've stopped.

"Do you want to try and eat something?" He asks. I shake my head. "How about showering, that might help you feel better."

"I can't stand."

"You can sit under the showerhead."

"Renjun you got the case, that's so––"

"Focus Jeno. Do you want to do that? I can help you."

"Shower? No."

"Okay, we need to change your clothes, and you gotta brush."

I groan but follow orders and sit up to brush my teeth, t, then I crawl to my room and fall to the floor.

"Hey, I'll tell you what, if you take a shower, we can forget all about what happened the other day."

"That would be nice Renjun but I seriously physically can't."

"What if I get in with you, all you have to do is sit there and I'll do everything else."

"I must be dreaming," I grumble.

"Jeno," Renjun says, shaking me. "I'm serious. Just put on your board shorts and I'll put on my suit."

"Okay."

I'm not passing up a shower with him, no matter how shitty I feel.

"Okay, is this temperature good?" Renjun asks, stepping in behind me.

He's wearing a black swim trunks and I swear to god, I'm hurting myself looking at him.

I nod and sit on the floor of the shower, facing away from the showerhead and Renjun facing towards me.

He gets the shampoo, rubbing it in my hair. He tilts my head and lets the water rinse it out, then he takes soap and rubs it over my chest. It's not sexy or hot or anything, it's just gentle and caring, and loving, then he shuts the water off and steps out, wrapping himself up in a towel.

"I thought you couldn't swim?" I ask, still sitting on the shower floor.

"I can't, but I can still walk in the water at the beach, or go in the shallow end at the pool, stuff like that."

I nod and lean back, closing my eyes. He leaves and then comes back in his pajamas.

"Come on Jeno, you can do it."

I groan and crawl out of the shower.

When I look up at his face, I groan again. "You put your glasses back on. You had them off in the shower."

"I'll take them off if you can make it to your room."

I stand up and trudge to my room, him close in tow.

He pulls them off as promised and sets them on my dresser, then he pulls clothes out of my dresser and hands them to me.

"Please stay with me," I beg.

He nods. "Let me change your sheets?"

"Why?"

"'Cause it's always the best feeling when you get out of the shower and climb into clean sheets."

I nod and change, right there in front of him cause hell, it's not like he can see me anyway. My speed limit is about 0.2 miles per hour and I finish changing just as he finishes changing the sheets. I climb into the bed and he follows. He sits crisscross and I place my head in his lap.

"All fresh," he says, running a hand through my hair.

"Hmm."

After a few minutes, I groan, my head aching.

"Let me get you some Advil," he whispers, gently moving my head. I let him leave and he comes back with two blue pills and Hatchet.

"You take these and drink some water, and I'll read the rest of the book to you right now, in one sitting."

I sit up and take the pills taking a few sips from the water. He smiles and I move my head back into his lap. He holds the book open with one hand and his other hand moves over the small braille bumps on the page. He starts reading to me and I relax easily to the sound of his voice. We don't have much of the book left so he finishes pretty quickly. He moves to the other side of the bed and crawls under the covers, moving closer to me. I immediately adjust and pull him close to me. He sighs and melts into me.

"Jeno?" He whispers.

"Hmm?"

"Are you awake?"

"A little, I'm falling asleep."

"Good," he yawns.

"Try and look towards me for a sec," I say softly.

He does as I ask and he tilts his head up, his eyes focusing on the sound of my voice.

"God, you're so beautiful," I whisper, kissing his forehead.

"Thank you," he whispers back.

I see into his eyes. Stars. Like the universe.

"Stars."

"Hmm?"

My thumb brushes down the side of his face. "Nothing. Just...stars."

He smiles and we both fall asleep.

I wake up in the morning alone. I glance at the alarm clock first, which reads it's 8 AM sharp. Damn it, I missed the Chem class. The next thing I notice is a note on my nightstand.

It reads, Going to Chem, you can copy my notes later, then below that are two blue Advil pills with an arrow that he drew saying, Eat me, and a small cup of orange juice with an arrow that says Drink me. Finally, at the bottom, it reads, Happy Halloween!

Fucking shit, I'm in deep.

I follow his directions and fall back in bed, to sleep for a while longer.

Later, while I'm cooking, I hear the door open. I know it's him and I glance at my watch. Good, it's still early, just 10 o'clock.

"How was Chem?" I ask, glancing up at him.

"Well, hold on lemme get changed and I'll tell you all about it."

"Changed?"

"Yeah, it's Halloween isn't it?"

"Um, yeah, it is."

He shrugs. "I gotta dress up."

"Who are you dressing up as?"

He blushes. "You'll see."

Several minutes later Renjun walks out in Daredevil pajamas. He spins around and grabs his stick to add to the outfit.

"Oh my god," I laugh. "It's perfect."

He laughs. "Hey, do you have candy ready?"

"Yes, it's in a big bowl on the counter."

He shifts through it and feels the candies. Eventually, he takes a bite of one and then chews and swallows it in a look of disgust.

"What terrible type of candy was that? What are you trying to feed these kids?"

"That was a mound, and watch yourself, those are delicious."

He giggles and slides the rest of the candy bar towards me, then he reaches back in and pulls out another candy bar.

"What's this one?"

"That's a Twix."

"Oh, I love these!" He rips the package open and takes a bite. He holds the other half out for me and I gladly accept, chomping it right out of his fingertips.

"Okay, so how did Chem go?" I ask through a mouth of caramel.

"Good, it was just a lecture, I'll give you my notes to copy—hey, what are you making?"

"Spaghetti, it's for my parents' house."

"Are you going over there?" He asks, licking his lips.

"We're going over there, yes."

"I'm invited?"

"Of course. I already warned my dad to lay off the alcohol pressure."

He smiles gratefully and claps his hands together. "Can I help with anything?"

"I don't think so. The noodles are all ready, I'm just working on the sauce." He nods and walks into the kitchen, washing his hands. He dries them off by wiping them on my shirt.

"You're just looking for trouble today aren't you?" I ask. He laughs and dips a finger into the sauce, bringing it up to his mouth and tasting it.

"Oh my god, that's so good."

"Glad you think so."

He's about to dip his finger back in when I grab his hand. "No double-dipping, Stars, and no more."

"Stars?" He questions, confused. I pull off his glasses and set them on the counter.

"Yup. Your eyes."

"Stars," he smiles. When he thinks I'm not looking he dips another finger back into the sauce. I catch his hand before he can taste it and pull his finger into my own mouth.

"Hey!" He squeals and wipes his finger on my shirt.

"I told you no more," I chuckle.

"Yeah, well you have no idea how many calories I burn putting up with you," he mumbles.

I turn on him and close the distance between us. "What was that?" I ask, teasingly.

"Nothing," he giggles.

His back hits the counter and I lift him up onto it so we're at the same height.

"Are you sure?" I whisper, sliding between his legs slowly.

He nods carefully and I chuckle.

"Are you sure you're sure?"

This time he shakes his head no. Good, that's the signal I needed to show that he wants this too.

"Hmm interesting," I smile, placing my hands on his knees. His breathing picks up pace.

The timer rings, interrupting our moment and I step away from him to turn it off and put the sauce into a bowl.

"Alright, let's go," I say, gathering everything in my hands.

"You're joking, I can't go like this!"

"Sure you can. I'm in my sweatpants, I don't care," I shrug.

"Yeah, but it's different, you're their son, I want to make a good impression."

My lips turn up in a smile. "Why's that?"

"Lots of reasons," he says, jumping down from the counter.

I grab his hand and intertwine it with mine.

"Don't worry, Stars, they already like you."

"Jeno, I can't show up to your parents' house in pajamas, please. It'll be 5 minutes."

I sigh and nod.

"I'm guessing that's a yes," he laughs, breaking away from me and hurrying down the hallway. In 5 minutes, just like he said, he comes out in a tight black V-neck, dark blue skinny jeans, and red sneakers.

I let out a low whistle and he crosses his arms.

"You're still going in sweatpants and a sleep shirt?" He asks.

I chuckle. "No, I was never wearing that, I was just saying that to make you feel more comfortable."

His mouth drops open but he releases his arms, his hand searching mine. I twine them together.

"Remember that whole, trust is earned thing we talked about? You have not been doing a very good job at that."

I chuckle and squeeze his hand. "I'm working on it. Patience is a virtue, Renjun."

"Renjun! I'm so glad you could make it!" My mom greets, swallowing Renjun in a hug.

"Happy Halloween!" Renjun responds.

I walk inside and hug mom as Renjun waits behind her, waiting for me to lead him further into the house.

"Hey, ma."

"Hey, hun. You look nice."

"Renjun thought so too," I tease, taking Renjun's hand and squeezing it.

Renjun laughs and shakes his head. "We brought spaghetti," he says, changing the subject.

"Oh, delicious! Can't wait!" Mom squeals, hurrying past us to the kitchen.

Just then the doorbell rings and I place the spaghetti down, placing my hand on Renjun's lower back and pushing him towards the door.

"What are you doing?" He laughs.

"You're the one who wanted to carry the bowl of candy," I whisper in his ear swinging the door open.

"Trick or treat!" The group of children in front of us yells.

"Oh...oh wow," Renjun giggles. "You all can take 5."

"5?" I chuckle into his ear, my hand grabbing at his hips. "We still need some for the rest of the night."

But it's too late and the kids are already grabbing at their favorite candies. They leave and I shut the door, releasing Renjun. He giggled and blushes. "I guess 5 for each of them was a little much huh?"

"Oh, it's okay only half the bowl is gone after the first 6 kids," I tease.  
He opens his mouth to defend himself but just ends up giggling.

"Come on let's go eat," I chuckle, taking his hand and leading him into the kitchen.

"And for dessert, rum cake!"

"Oh, my favorite!" Mom says, clapping her hands.

Dad pulls out the large circle cake and sets it on the table. It looks magnificent.

"Dad," I clear my throat. "Did you make any desert...alternatives?"

"No," he huffs. "Why? If I recall correctly this is your favorite as well."

I shoot him daggers and his eyes flick to Renjun.

"Oh..." he says softly. "I'm so sorry dear, I forgot."

"Oh, that's alright! I'm full after the huge meal anyway."

"Oh, I should have made something else!" Dad says ignoring him. "Perhaps I can whip something up quickly."

"No, no it's alright!" He says. "I'll have some of the cake, it's not like it's going to hurt me."

My parents exchange glances and look at me, confused. I turn in my seat and exchange words with Renjun separately and quietly.

"Renjun, what are you thinking?"

"Um, that I want the cake," he shrugs.

"Stop Jun, you know what I mean. You can't eat this, it's soaked in rum."

"I'll be fine," he sighs, pulling his hand from mine.

"No, you'll need me to drive you to the hospital when this makes you sick."

I know as soon as the words leave my mouth that they're harsh. I wish I could take them back.

He cuts himself a giant piece and eats quickly. I did not bother getting any piece because now I have to do what he didn't want to be, babysit. My parents leave the room to pass out more candy to trick or treaters. He grabs a second piece and sighs.

"Renjun, for god's sake stop. I get you're trying to make a point, I said something stupid, but you're hurting yourself. Don't make me take it away from you."

He ignores me and pulls out a large chunk, popping it into his mouth. Once he's done with the second piece the alcohol starts hitting his body in the wrong way. His body language starts to slouch and his words become longer and said at a slower pace. My parents stay in the living room, talking. Halfway through his third piece, he leans his head on my shoulder.

"Why did you do this?" I whisper.

"I don't know...I just wanted to prove that I wasn't a burden."

"Renjun, that's ridiculous. No one ever looks at you as a burden."

He shrugs. "Maybe I also wanted to fit into your family."

"You shouldn't have hurt yourself to do that."

"What did you say?" He slurs. "Oh right, you emerge yourself in the food and the culture, or something like that. Well, I have to do that with your family."

"Not at the extent of you hurting yourself, Renjun!" I say harshly. I turn around to see my parents looking at us.

Renjun shrugs. "I'm fine...just a little drained."

"You want to go to sleep?"

He nods. "Maybe you could just play a movie, I'll fall asleep."

"Okay, what movie?"

"There's this great film called 300," he teases a small smile forming on his lips.

My mood instantly lightens and I kiss the top of his head.

"300, oh man that movie is so gross. The people who like that are into blood and...death."

He snorts and laughs.

"Aren't those the best types of people?" He smiles.

"They are," I whisper into his hair.

"Is it movie time?" Mom asks excitedly, coming into the dining room.

"It sure is," I smile, helping Renjun up.

"What would you like to watch dear?" Mom asks Renjun. "We have practically every movie you can think up."

Renjun shrugs. "Honestly, it's whatever you guys want to watch, but maybe something a little slower, it's just easier for me to understand."

"Alright, I'm sure we can find something."

I lead Renjun over to the couch and we sit down next to one another. I pull him into my side and he shuts his eyes.

"How about a Halloween movie?" Mom asks.

Renjun nods, his eyes still shut. Mom looks at us and smiles. "Nightmare Before Christmas?"

I nod and mom types the movie name. She leaves the room, sensing that I want one on one time.

"Hey, Jeno," he says, yawning. "This was a good Halloween."

"Yeah, it was. Next year will be better."

"Why?"

I smile and whisper into his hair. "We'll be together."

"Jeno," he sighs, his body melting into mine further. I'm about to tell him that I know. That I know it's a warning and I know he's not ready and that I shouldn't push him into a relationship, but he continues his statement.

"We're together now. Let that be enough."

His words ring through my head. Let that be enough. Let it be enough. Maybe I will. Not likely. But right now, at this moment, with him asleep in my arms on Halloween night, at my parents' house, it is enough. It's enough to last a while.

Maybe it'll be enough forever. Maybe he'll never want it to be more. Maybe this is enough for him.

"Not likely," he whispers as if he could hear my thoughts and as if he was thinking the same exact thing as me in the same exact moment. "Not likely," he says again. "It'll only be enough for now."

"Only for now?"

He nods.

"It won't be enough for later?"

He shakes his head slightly and smiles.

"No, not likely."

"And when will now end?" I ask, smiling like an idiot because I can't help it.

He's smiling too.

"Who knows?" He shrugs. "Maybe tomorrow."


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Renjun's POV**

I wake up warm in the arms of Jeno. I'm beginning to get used to this feeling, and all I want is to wake up to it every day. I hear him snore and begin to pull away from him carefully to use the restroom when his parents' voices stop me dead in my tracks. Whispers of quiet echo around the house and it's impossible for me not to hear them.

"No, I understand, they would make a lovely couple, but I'm just not quite sure they're compatible with one another," Yunho says.

Jeno's mother chimes in. "I agree, I mean I really like Renjun, he's a lovely boy, but I don't know if it'll work out between the two. Jeno's set straight on his path and Renjun...I feel like he's unsure of what he's doing."

"I don't want Jeno dragging him along through his whole life when he could be doing bigger and better things as well."

"And not only that but his...condition, that's going to severely limit things that he could do with a normal person."

Normal. A normal person.

"Everything will be one step forward and two steps back. I'm not sure if I want that life for our son. I mean patterns of moodiness, alcoholism, and being blind, it's not a good mixture," his father sighs.

"Are you worried about him? Sometimes I am, he seems sad...often. not when he's around him though."

"Yes, but Jeno can't be the tool to fix him every time he's broken."

"I agree. Unfortunately, it's not up to us to decide," his mother sighs, sounding disappointed.

Well, there it is. I blink my tears away quickly and accept the reality that is. The one that's been lingering the whole time, the one I've been avoiding since the beginning.

I'm on the wrong side of the tracks.

"Alright Jun, spill it, something is eating at you, I can tell," Jeno says, locking the door to his apartment once we're back.

"Hey, make sure to tell your parents that I said thanks for letting us stay the night and for dinner and stuff."

"Renjun," he sighs.

"I'm going to take a shower."

He grabs my wrist. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing," I shrug.

"Well, that's a lie."

Now it's my turn to sigh. "I'll tell you later."

"How much later is later?"

"Just...later, okay?"

"Okay fine," he says, releasing me.

I step cautiously into the kitchen to break the news to him. I shut my eyes tight when I hear him humming a song and I feel warm tears running down my face. The humming stops and I hear him approach me.

"Renjun... Renjun what's wrong?" In a second his hands are touching my face, gently wiping away my tears. I step away immediately not able to keep from cracking under his affection.

"I can't do this Jeno. This thing we've been talking about labeling, it needs to stop."

"Wha–what? What are you saying?"

"I'm saying we can't be together, ever."

"Of course, we can Renjun. You just need to try."

"No, Jeno. I am not having this conversation with you. What we have is confused friendship because you're...you're lonely! So just leave it alone. Go find some other boy or girl."

"Renjun, don't do this damn it. You're trying to piss me off and push me away and hell if it's not working, but stop."

"No! I don't want you! I don't want anything to do with you! We don't fit together! I can't stay here with you forever Jeno. We both have to get on with our lives."

"Fine then, let's get on with our lives together."

"Jeno...why can't you see? I don't belong here!"

"Yes, you do Renjun. You're just refusing to see it. You belong here. We belong together."

"What does that mean Jeno?! We? There is no we. I'm blind! There can never be a we."

"What does you being blind have to do with anything?" He asks exasperated.

"Everything Jeno! You make surfboards and I can't see. I'll never be able to watch you surf! I can't even swim for god's sake! And...and you cook! And I can't see! How can someone who can't see cook?! They can't! I don't even know these obvious references you make because I grew up in a hole! I'm even physically broken, and I can't be fixed. I taught myself everything I know...but...I never taught myself how to love."

"Renjun...I don't care that you can't see. I don't care! I like you the way you are! And I don't want you to change!"

"No! Don't you see?! We don't fit! Everything you do, I can't be involved in!"

It's silent for a minute and then Jeno starts again, in a very soft gentle tone that breaks my heart to hear.

"Renjun, listen to me for a minute, okay?"

He steps closer to me, closing the gap between us and he brushes a loose of hair away from my face.

"If someone had asked me, at the beginning of this year, if I thought a blind boy could do Chemistry, I would have laughed, but now...now that I know you...Renjun, you give me so much hope. I know now, that you can. If you want to learn how to cook, then I'll teach you, and I know you can. If you want me to teach you how to fix a surfboard or learn surfing rules, then I'll teach you and you can watch me when you listen to the announcers and understand what they're saying. You can Renjun."

I shake my head. "How?"

"We have to compromise. You have to meet me halfway, and if you want this, then you have to try, Renjun, and I promise you, I'll do the rest."

I can't take it. I can't let him destroy his life by involving me in it.

"But I don't! I don't want this! I already told you! don't want anything to do with you!" I snap.

Silence. It's terrible. It's cold and dark and broken.

"I put it out there Renjun," he says quietly. "For you. I put it all out there, I put myself out there, and you shut me down. So I'm done. Go do whatever the fuck you want cause I sure as hell am. The next time something comes up, don't come running to me because I'm not going to follow you around like some kind of lovesick puppy. I thought you were better than Yeeun, really, but you're worse. At least she had a heart."

With that, he storms out and slams the door behind him. I go into his room and close the door behind me, sinking down it and crying.

"You shouldn't have said that! You should try!" I say to myself.

I cry for a long time until I feel I have no more tears to cry. At that point, I stand up and begin preparing my apology. We can make it work. Once he's been gone for about an hour, I hear the door open inside the apartment.

My hand touches the doorknob and I prepare myself to suck up all of my doubt, fear, and pride, and tell him everything. I'm turning the doorknob when I hear a giggle from another guest. I release the doorknob as the giggling is interrupted with the sounds of kissing and moaning. I go to Jeno's bed and bury my head under his pillow trying to block out the noises.

I hear someone walking down the hallway and I freeze but they stop short and go into the bathroom, walking out seconds later. Jeno, he just grabbed a condom. My heart sinks in my chest and tears prick at my eyes. I lead him to do this. I made him break my own heart. Soon the noises grow louder and the moans turn into shouts, like some sort of pornographic film is being shot.

I stand and through tears, I begin to pack up all my things. It doesn't take long and then all I can do is sit and wait for them to stop. After an hour it's finally quiet, I wait another hour just to make sure they're both asleep before walking silently down the hallway leaving his apartment. As soon as I shut the door behind me, I feel that I can breathe again. I walk outside and call a cab to bring me to the only other place I have to go.

Thankfully, when I arrive at my apartment, my father is not there. Later in the night, he comes home but he doesn't check on me and stumbles probably drunk to his room. I whisper a silent thank you to anyone who's listening. This means I can go out tomorrow and he'll be passed out in his bed. My heart stops when I realize what I have tomorrow.

"I changed the lesson plans today, I won't be lecturing. So get with your partners and start the lab for tomorrow!" Our professor instructs.

Of all days, why today. I guide myself to our table using my stick and sit down. Immediately flashbacks to the first time I sat here when I first met Jeno. Someone stumbles quickly towards me and I already know who it is.

"Morning," I mumble.

"Jesus, not so loud," he says.

My anger spikes immediately.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I say, raising my voice. "Are you hungover?"

He groans and covers his ears.

"You were the one who told me to go find someone else."

"Yes!" I yell. "I told you to find someone else, not to go out, get slammed, and bring a girl to our home to just have sex with. And while I'm there?!"

"Our home?! I don't get you Renjun! One second you're yelling that we don't fit together and the next you're mad when I move on." I scoff and shove the things that I've just pulled out, back in my bag.

"You're an idiot, Jeno. Yes, I tried to push you away, because I don't know what this is! I don't know how to deal with it or what to do with myself! The day I'm ready to start something, I hear your parents talking about how I'll drag you down your whole life! I've never been with anyone and I'm 20 and suddenly this guy, this incredible, insanely amazing guy actually cares about me. So I'm an idiot too! Because I pushed him away!"  
I grab my stick and walk out of the classroom quickly before he can see me cry. Minutes later, my phone rings and I answer even though I don't recognize the number that my phone reads off to me.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Renjun?" Asks some male voice.

"Yes, who is this?"

"My name's Chenle, Jeno just called me and told me to ask you out."

My heart breaks and more tears fall from my eyes.

"Okay. Well just tell me when and where." I don't know what I'm saying, but maybe I owe it to Jeno to go on this date.

"How about Saturday at seven o'clock? You know where Park Garden is?"

"Yeah, I'll meet you there." With that, I hang up.

As soon as I walk inside my apartment, I'm slammed up against the wall.

"Let's get something straight," my father seethes. "You get one more chance. One. You fuck up, you die. You run, you die. You tell anyone anything, you die. You walk through that door one minute past your curfew, you die. Am I understood?"

I nod and he releases me, slinking back to whatever part of hell he came from.

"So what's it like being blind? How... helpless do you feel?" My date, Chenle, asks.

Red. Flag. My gut is telling me to get out of this as soon as I can. Helpless?

"Um, I actually don't feel helpless. I'm perfectly aware of my surroundings, and I'm very keen on what's going on at all times."

I take a sip of my water hoping to wash away the bad feeling in the pit on my stomach.

"Really? No one has ever like...tried to take advantage of you before?"  
I clear my throat after almost choking on my water.

"No, Chenle. No one has ever tried to take advantage of me before."

"Hmm. Weird."

"Why is it weird?"

I stab at my salad getting progressively more frustrated

"Well, I just feel like since you're blind someone should–"

"Since I'm blind what?! Since I'm blind someone should have tried to take advantage of me?!"

"Well... no. I mean that would be...bad."

"Would be bad?! Would be freaking bad?! Chenle that would be illegal! That would be an awful, inhuman, crime!"

"Okay, Jesus, no need to get your panties in a twist."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing just...nevermind."

If my eyes could work I would be rolling them. What an ass.

"Hey, you might want to slow down on your salad?"

"Why?"

"'Cause last time I went here I think I had that and I had food poisoning."

I drop my fork loudly on my plate and grab the napkin in my lap. Slowly, I wipe my mouth and set the napkin down, my anger rolling inside me like lava.

"I'm sorry, you brought me on a date, to the place where you got food poisoning?" I ask calmly.

"What? It's the cheapest place around. Speaking of money, we can split the check tonight."

"You're not even going to pay for the cheap, food poisoning, shithole that you brought me to?" I say through gritted teeth.

"Well, you are like the women who are always complaining about not having as many rights as men so I figure this way it's equal."

I can hear the smug smirk on his voice and it's the last straw. I stand up and push my chair back hard, shaking the sketchy table.

"Look, I don't need to be brought to some five-star restaurant. All I want is something a little better than this filthy shithole that you brought me to, and maybe some manners."

"Whatever. It's not my fault you're on your period."

"What? I don't have it since I'm a boy."

"Then I guess you're just a bitch. I shouldn't have listened to Jeno. Fucking idiots."

My hands roll into a fist and I'm about to beat the life out of him when the good angel side of me convinces me that he's not worth it. So instead, I turn swiftly and walk out to the sidewalk, where I'm greeted by fresh air. I immediately call the cab company to get away from the foul place where Chenle the ass has brought me.

I'm being driven back to my apartment when my phone rings with a call.

"Call from Jaemin. Call from–"

"Answer call," I sigh.

"Hey, Jaemin, what's up?

"Renjuuuuuun! It's good to hear from ya boy! What's up?"

"You called me, Jaem," I clarify, pinching the bridge of my nose.

He starts giggling...to my surprise

"Oh, that's right. Are you out with The Mr. Fancy pantsy?"

"Jaem, you're drunk, aren't you?"

"We all are!" he laughs. "In the ocean!"

"No. No! Jaemin that's not true is it?"

"It is! We're all in here, you should come here and dump The–"

"Jaem, what beach are you at? Who are you with? Who's we?"

"Me and some other guys are surfing, and we got some of the ladies here too! It's like...me, Jeno, Johnny, Lucas, Jaehyun, and then Yeeun, and Yeji, annnnd Jennie. We're all at Sandspit!"

"I need you to take me to Sandspit beach, please? I'll pay double," I call up to the cab driver.

He turns around and drives to the other way.

"Okay Jaem, can you stay on the line with me?"

"Nah, Lucas got sick, we're gonna take him home."

"We're taking the bus, relax!" He giggles. "We're not all going though, I think Yeeun and Jeno are gonna stay."

"Okay well–"

I'm cut off when he hangs up and I sit the rest of the ride in anxious nervousness. When the cab driver drops me off, I pay him nearly everything that's in my wallet beside a fare home. He takes off and I walk down to the shore.

"How am I ever gonna find two drunk idiots on this whole beach?" I wonder.

Then I hear him down the beach, hollering. He must be riding a wave pretty far out and I rush down the beach, as fast as I can through the sand. I can hear the wave crashing and based upon how big the crash was, it must be a huge wave. He was probably pulled under.

A minute later, I hear nothing but crashing waves and I'm worried that he's gone, but then I hear a gasp on the surface before he's pulled back under. Fucking Chenle pops into my mind because I do feel helpless right now. I hear him splashing out there, drowning, dying. I have to do something. I can't swim, I can't go help him, I'll kill us both.

Just then I hear someone whistling from far behind me, back up on the dry sand.

"Hey hey! Help! Are you a lifeguard?" I yell out, running as fast as I can towards the stranger.

"No, I'm not a lifeguard...what...what are you doing here?" The male voice responds.

"Please, my friend, he's in the water, he's drunk..." I yell out stumbling in the sand.

"Aww shit."

I hear footsteps running off in the sand and then splashing. Yelling, more splashing. This pattern continues for the next five minutes as I stumble my way to the shore and the icy water laps at my ankles, soaking through my Vans.

It seems as the lifeguard has pulled him in when I can hear more clearly.

"You fucking jackass! Are you trying to get yourself killed?! And you dragged your friend out here to save your sorry ass! I had a date tonight fucker! I should have let you die!"

I hear the man stumbling away, and coughing coming from the direction where he left. I cross my arms over my chest to hold in my body heat as I let Jeno cough out all the seawater that he was choking on. I wait there in the same position for a long time, probably a solid thirty minutes before he gets to his feet with a groan. He's only up for a minute when he throws up all of the alcohol he drank into the ocean. The whole ordeal is quite long but I'm waiting patiently. When I think he's stumbling up a bank of sand and I followed behind him, anger nipping at my heels.

He ignores me and flops down. I kneel down to his length and feel a woven cloth underneath me. A towel. He brought a fucking towel. I don't know why but this pisses me off like nothing else.

"You went into the ocean to try and surf drunk, but you know, it's a good thing you brought a towel," I spit angrily.

He doesn't respond and another question pops into my mind, making me frantic.

"Where's Yeeun?"

"She went back with Lucas and the other guys. I'm the only one that stayed, and I don't want to talk. I broke and lost my favorite board."

I put my head in my hands and am trying to control my anger when I hear a metal cap to bottle untwist, and Jeno starts chugging. I grab the container from his hand and feel around its edges.

"A flask!? A towel and a flask?! That's what you brought?"

"Renjun go home," he sighs.

"No, you know that's not why I'm angry. I'm angry because you got drunk and tried to surf in the ocean and then after being saved, you open up a flask and drank some more!"

I stand up and move past the bank, back to the damp sand. I run into the water and I throw the flask as far as I can.

"It's your fault!" Jeno yells from behind me.

Anger boils inside me and I battle back to dry sand to confront him where he stands, just on the shore where the water barely laps.

"Tell me how any of this is my fault?!"

"You went on a fucking date! You know how shitty that makes me feel!?"

My hand flies through the air and impacts his face hard, creating a sting in my hand that I want to nurse.

"You set me up on a date! I didn't even want to go! Do you know how shitty that makes me feel!?"

He chuckles lowly and takes a step back.

"You have good aim for a blind boy," he spits.

I just shake my head and walk away. I don't know how far I've gotten before he yanks on my wrist pulling me back to him.

"Renjun...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it..."

This just pisses me off more and I push away from him immediately.

"What's wrong with you?! You drunk fucking idiot!" I yell, slamming my fist into his chest.

He holds his ground and I can tell my attempt to injure him is doing nothing.

"Do you know what could have happened to you?!"

My anger turns into frustration and slowly, regret and sadness.

"You..."

I try to get a hold of my cracking voice but it's no good.

"You could have gotten hurt you, idiot..."

Warm tears fall down my cheek and I notice my balled fist have turned into flat hands that now rest gently on his heaving chest.

"You...could have died..."

His hands feather up my side until they reach my glasses. They're yanked away from my eyes quickly and I hear them plunk softly in the sand where Jeno has thrown them, then all at once, the warmth of his face comes closer to mine.

"No," I mumble, pushing him away.

"I know. I'm an idiot and I'm sorry. But you've got me all twisted up." He grabs my hand and sets it over his heart so I can feel his slow steady heartbeat. "I just want to kiss you all the damn time and I don't know what to do with myself when I'm around you."

"I don't want to have a moment that you're not going to remember tomorrow morning Jeno."

"I'll remember, I promise," he slurs.

"Jeno," I warn.

"Stay with me tonight, we'll work things out tomorrow."

"Jeno, you know I can't do that."

"I don't wanna fight," he sighs and kisses my knuckles. "I just wanna go home."

"Okay...okay...I'll call a cab and take you home."

"You're coming with me right?"

"Yeah," I sigh heavily, "but I'm not staying the night.

He sighs but I've made up my mind. I grab my phone out of my bag and voice dial the cap company. It's a struggle getting Jeno in and out of the car as the alcohol really starts settling in. I get the key from under the mat on his front porch and unlock the door, helping him inside. He flops down on his couch and I struggle to get him up.

"Come on, let's get you in bed," I groan carrying his weight on my shoulder.

We stumble down the hall to his room and I feel around for a light switch to help him see. I finally find it and turn it on, and soon he's on his bed.

"Do you have pajamas anywhere?" I ask feeling around for a dresser.

"I don't wear pajamas to bed, guys who wear pajamas are stupid."

"Guys who wear pajamas to bed don't get drunk and try to surf at night," I sigh.

"I'm sorry."

"What do you wear to bed?"

"My sweatpants if it's cold, sometimes a shirt too if it's cold."

"Okay, well you should be all set then right?"

"No, I'm in my board shorts."

"Well...that should be fine right?"

"No, I need something cozy."

I snort a laugh at his use of 'cozy'.

My hands finally run over a large structure and sigh with relief.

"Okay, which drawer is your sweatpants in?" I ask.

"Bottom," he mumbles.

I need to hurry up because he's about to blank and pass out.

I pull open the bottom drawer. My hands wander over the cloth and I pull some article of clothing out.

"Boxers or no boxers?" I go red from asking but I feel obliged to.

"No! I need my freedom–"

"Okay! I don't want to know that Jeno! Here" I finish, throwing the clothing at him.

I hear him changing and I look away which makes me feel ridiculous because I can't even see him anyways, but I want to respect his privacy.

I think he's taking a long time, maybe too long, when I hear light snoring. I sigh and move on to my next challenge. As I feel down the halls, I walk back to the main living and kitchen area. My hands wander in the fridge, knocking everything over until my hand wraps around a cold bottle of water. Next, I grab a rag that takes me a long time to find, and I run it under the faucet, dampening it with cold water. I walk back to his room where I shake him awake.

"Are you staying?" He asks sleepily upon awakening.

"No," I whisper. "I just want to tell you that there's cold water right here, drink all of it before tomorrow."

"Please?"

"Please what?" I asked confused.

"Please stay with me."

"Jeno–"

"Just for a little while."

"Okay fine, I'll stay for a few more minutes."

He seems satisfied by my response because he stops talking and soon he's back to snoring. I place the cold rag on his forehead and sit down next to the bed. I'm pushing hair behind my ears when I realize something's missing. My glasses. Oh god, I left them at the beach where Jeno threw them. Maybe I'll have time to go look for them. I walk briskly to the living room where I left my phone on the couch. I feel around for it before my fingers wrap around it.

"Time," I voice command.

"November 10, 2019, Sunday 1:37 A.M."

1:37! Shit shit shit! I shove my phone into my pocket and put my head in my hands. I can go back now and hope he's drunk or I can go back tomorrow and hope he's gone or drunk. Jeno comes stumbling down the hallway.

"Renjun," he whines. "Please–"

"Jeno...my dad...I'm late...and he'll..."

"Come here," he says. I follow the sound of his voice into his arms. He swallows me up and takes us to his bed.

"It'll be alright. You'll be safe here. I promise."

I nod into his chest and he kisses my forehead.

"Sleep now. We'll sort everything out in the morning."


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Jeno's POV**

When I wake up, it's early, not even dawn. Renjun's awake and fidgeting as usual.

"Hey," I sigh, rubbing my hand over my face.

"Hi. Sorry did I wake you?"

"No, it's alright."

"How do you feel?" He asks, touching my face gently.

"Renjun, don't even start with me. The last thing I deserve right now is your sympathy."

"Jeno, don't say that. It's not your–"

"What the hell is wrong with me? No, actually, what's wrong with you? Why are you still here? I'm such an ass, Renjun, I could live for a million years and never deserve you, yet you still support me," I say, sitting up and pulling at the roots of my hair.

"You're my friend Jeno, that's what friends do." I bury my head in my hands. "I'm a terrible person."

His warm hands peel my hands away from my face and he holds them on his own. "No Jeno, you're not a–"

"Yes, I am! I don't know what you see in me!"

"Listen to me," he says softly, "a lot of not so good things happened along the way, yeah, but we were equally responsible for those things. It's important you know that Jeno. Nothing is specifically and singularly your fault, okay?"

"Renjun..." I scoop him into my arms for a hug and put my face in the crook of his neck.

"Look, it's all in the past now. Let's forgive and move on," he sighs.

I reluctantly sigh with relief as I feel a huge weight being lifted from my shoulder. He breaks the hug and stands up. I follow him to the kitchen where he moves to sit in one of the stools.

"And by the way, I see a lot in you."

I chuckle and shake my head.

"I don't think so."

"Jeno, of course," he says with a concerned tone. "I see so much in you."

"Tell me then. What's your favorite thing about me?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.

He's quiet for a long time and then breaks, giggling.

"Well...actually there's too many."

"Top five then."

"Okay," he smiles.

He thinks for a minute more and then stands back up and leans his lower back against the counter, right in front of me. He crosses his arms over his chest and takes a deep breath.

When he starts, the mood immediately changes. His voice is soft, caring, loving, and it speaks for a word stronger than friendship.

"One, I like...the sound of your voice, because it's the very first thing I noticed about you, and it puts me at ease. Two, I like your arms because I feel safe and sound in them. Three, I like that you can make me laugh, because not many people can do that. Four, I like that when I'm around you I get butterflies and my stomach flips like in the books and the movies, and I don't know why, but it does, and I like that. And lastly, I like this."

He puts his hands on the top of my head.

"My hair?" I chuckle.

"No silly, but that's nice too. Your brain. I would say your heart, but when it comes right down to simple anatomy, your heart just pumps your blood, but up here, you're smart and determined, honorable, and loving, and you're just you...and I love that."

I stare at him, knowing damn well that my heart's gone. That it belongs to this boy. That he's the one who can break me and repair me. Who I can never stop loving. Who I can never stay angry at or forget about. It scares me shitless and it does make me a little angry, because this wasn't part of the plan, but he just came crashing into my life and now the thought of him out of it is unbearable.

"I think it's my turn now," I say quietly. "Okay. Top five Lee, hit me with whatever you got."

I release a shaky breath, mustering up all my courage to let him into my thoughts.

"One is your eyes, because even though they don't work, they're beautiful, just like you. Two, your laugh, because it sparks something inside of me that feels amazing and healthy and happy. Three is your smile, because it lets me know you're okay and because it's soft and kind. Which leads me to four, your lips. That perfect pair of lips that I want to kiss all the damn time, always taunting me, they're perfect and I know that if you ever do let me kiss them, I will not disappoint."

He blushes and bites his lips on that last note and it takes everything in me not to steal a kiss right then and there.

"And what's five?" He asks timidly.

"Five. Five is your soul. Because it's the strongest, bravest, most courageous thing on this whole planet, and even though you've gone through more misery in your life thus far than most people would in eternity, you recovered. Or maybe you're still recovering, but regardless, you love and you love with everything you've got, even when you've got nothing left."

He's breathing heavily and he gives a small timid happy smile. "That was beautiful, Jeno. That was really really sweet." 

"Yeah, well what can I say, you turn me into a big old mush pot."

He laughs and I stare at him, electricity crackling between us.

"Do you want to kiss me right now?" He asks softly.

"Yes, always."

"You...you can if you want."

It takes restraint in every muscle of my body to not move, but he hasn't made this easy for me and I'm not going to make it easy for him. What can I say, I'm a tease.

"Oh, I want to Renjun. There's no doubt about that," I say leaning closer. "The real question is, do you want me to kiss you?

He timidly nods but I'm going to push. How antsy can I make my boy?

"Say it," I whisper

"...I want you to kiss me," he says softly.

"Sorry sweetheart, what was that?"

"I want you to."

"You want me to what?"

"To...to kiss me," he says so quietly it's barely audible.

"Sorry, can you speak up a bit?"

"Stop being difficult Jeno, you know what."

A smile sparks up on my face.

"Renjun, I have no clue what you're talking about. If you want me to do something then just ask."

"I already have," he says, beginning to get frustrated.

"Have you? I don't recall."

"Jeno."

"Refresh my memory, would you sweetheart?"

I lick my lips.

"I'm not interested in your little game Jeno."

"What game? I wasn't aware we were playing a game."

"Just kiss me damn it!"

I do just that, slamming my lips against his. He wraps his arms around my neck and stands on his tiptoes to reach me. I grab his butt and he squeals as I lift him up onto the counter. He lifts his legs up, wrapping them around my waist and locking me in as our lips lock into a pattern. We kiss and kiss until we're out of breath and then we break apart.

"Listen to me," I pant, out of breath. "This is not just some kiss, and this sure as hell is not some one-time thing."

He nods his head in agreement and I go on.

"I'm going to kiss you, and touch you and we're going to be a normal couple."

He nods his head again and smiles.

"I'd like that."

"We're going to go on dates and make memories and you're going to come to all my family's celebrations. Don't fight me on this anymore Renjun, please."

"I won't," he breathes.

I smile and nod. "I'm gonna do this surf thing and you're gonna do your trial and life's gonna get in the way because it's messy and it sucks but we're gonna help each other out okay?"

"Okay,"

"Yeah?" I ask for one more confirmation.

"Yeah. Yes. Absolutely."

I kiss him again, slowly, softly, and meaningfully. When I break away he sighs and slides off of the counter.

"Wanna read?"

"Not really," I reply honestly, staring at his lips.

"Then what do you wanna do?"

"You."

It's quiet for a second and then my brain clicks and I realize what I've said right as he smacks my shoulder.

"Jeno!"

"I'm sorry it just slipped out! I didn't know I said it out loud. I was just thinking about taking a shower and then your lips and then..."

"Jeno!" He smacks my arm again, giggling this time.

"I'm sorry!" I laugh. "It's not me thinking it's..."

"Yeah, it's 'little Jeno' doing all the thinking now, I get it."

"Well..." a sly smirk slides over my face. "He's not so little."

"Jeno!" He blushes immediately and smacks my arm but it doesn't hurt.

I chuckle and grab his hips pulling him close to me.

"You're so cute. I like embarrassing you."

"Yeah, well I don't!"

I just laugh and lean in kissing him again. His hands rest gently on my chest as he kisses me back.

"You have to admit," I say breaking the kiss. "It's pretty tempting. You, me, a shower..." I fake a shutter and he groans in irritation, resting his forehead against my chest.

"You're relentless."

"Tell me it's not tempting, Huang."

"You're pushing your boundaries, Lee."

"You're not denying it's tempting."

He shrugs and smiles.

"Your fantasy, not mine."

He blushes as my jaw drops and then stands up on his tiptoes and pressed a kiss on my cheek.

"Have fun with your cold shower," he whispers in my ear.

I gasp and let my hand find the skin underneath his shirt.

"Who are you and what have you done with my sweet innocent Renjun?"

"I don't know," he giggles. "Maybe he's just not quite as innocent as you thought."

"Hmm," I'm tempted to continue this conversation, but another question has my mind reeling. I take my fingers away from his warm skin and instead take his hands.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Have you ever...been with anyone?"

He pauses and then nods, slightly grimacing.

"My first time was with a dumb boy at a high school party, senior year. It shouldn't have happened."

"What do you mean it shouldn't have happened?"

"I was drunk, he was drunk, one plus one equals I wake up alone with a killer hangover and lost virginity."

"Wow."

"Yeah. So I've hooked up a couple of times but I'm not really as experienced as you."

"That's okay," I say tucking a piece of hair behind his ear.

"It is, but that also means that we're gonna have to work up to fun in the shower."

"Right. Boundaries."

He steps out of my grasp and moves to walk away but I grab his wrist and pull him back towards me.

"You're leaving already?"

"Yes," he giggles. "What time is it like five, six o'clock in the morning?"

I look over at the clock.

"Four fifteen," I grimace.

"Yikes. I'm going back to bed, you coming?"

I clench my jaw and lock down my jumpy nerves.

"That sounds nice but I have a competition coming up..."

"Oh right! Training! Have fun," he smiles and breaks away from me, trudging sleepily back down the hallway to my bedroom.

I go to my car and drive to the beach where I surf change, then I grab my board from the top of my car and soon I hit the water.

I walk into my apartment quietly, careful not to wake Renjun. It's only eight o'clock and he may be still asleep. However, I find him in my bed, reading. I walk in quiet as a panther and then pounce on him. He squeals but I cover his mouth quickly with my own.

"Jeno!" He says breaking the kiss. "You scared me."

"That was the plan."

"You're all wet!" He exclaims pushing me off him.

"Hmm, I don't care."

"You smell like the ocean! Go take a shower."

I chuckle and he stands up from the bed rubbing his eyes. I stand up myself and stalk closer to him.

"Did you put one of my shirts on?" I ask.

He tilts his head down and feels the material. "It got really cold...and I know you had long sleeve sweatshirts. I should have asked, sorry about that."

"Don't be," I wrap my hands around his waist, pulling him close to me. "It looks much better on you."

He giggles and stands up taller kissing me.

"Okay go shower, please," he says breaking the kiss.

I groan but obey and leave to turn the water on.

"Hey, can I ask you about something?" I ask, popping a raspberry into my mouth.

He nods and takes one of the raspberries on my plate.

"How would you like to move back in?"

He freezes for a second and then starts chewing again.

"Um, is that gonna be weird?" He asks. "We just clarified what we are and now you want to live together?"

"It wasn't weird before," I shrug.

"We weren't together before."

"Well, we were. We just weren't really labeling it as anything," I shake my head, "besides that's not the point. The point is we made up, and we're together now, and right now your stuff is at your dad's house, which is not safe."

"Okay. I guess. We can try it."

"Alrighty then. Tonight you move back in."

"You're sure you want me to move back in?" Renjun asks as we walk up the steps to his apartment.

"I'm positive," I reply, kissing his cheek. He flinches slightly at the contact and I feel worry seep into my emotions.

"Sorry, I'm being so touchy. I'm not trying to push you or anything. I've just had to restrain myself for a while and now I finally have you."

"It's okay," he smiles softly as he unlocks the door with his key. "I like it. Just trying to adjust."

I nod and take his hand, twining it with mine. We step inside the apartment and I look around taking it in

"Jesus, it reeks."

"It always does," he sighs.

I examine his troubled face and search for a way to lighten the mood.

"Oh, I don't know...you always smell nice," I lean over and nibble lightly on his earlobe.

He snorts a laugh and shrugs me off. "Alright, Lee. Let's just grab the stuff and go, I don't want to be here any longer than we have to be."

"Agreed."

We walk to the closet and he shoves a few more things into his duffel bag of clothes, still unpacked. We're on our way out pretty quick, stepping over the shattered glass and empty beer bottles.

He can't even see, and yet he can tell he's there before I can. When I hear the door squeak open and then click shut I look up and see his father. Renjun immediately leans into my side for support. His hand is still intertwined with mine and I notice it shaking.

"I see you brought the pretty boy," he says. He stoops down and picks up a beer bottle that still has remains in it. Now he's got a half-empty beer can in one hand, and a gun in his other. His dad is disgusting. He's tall but he's got a beer belly, and his skin is grimy. His hair is long, touching his shoulder, thin, and grey. He's dirty, filthy, his teeth are yellow and his voice is hoarse.

"Now sweetheart. I want you to know what I've got in my hand," he continues.

"You need to leave," he says to me immediately. "Now."

"Renjun, I'm not leaving you here alone with him," I say back through gritted teeth.

His father cocks the gun and he freezes.

"Go Jeno!" He yells at me, tearing his hand away from mine.

"Why aren't you wearing your glasses?!" His father asks standing up quickly and approaching Renjun with the gun.

"I—I lost them."

"What did I tell you about showing your ugly face in public," he spits putting the gun against his temple. I freeze knowing that any sudden actions may set him off. My whole body is tense as his finger wraps around the trigger.

He breathes heavily and before I can do anything to stop him he replies, "The world shouldn't be punished. I shouldn't hurt the people of the public."

"And why would you hurt them?" He asks, a sly smile forming on his lips.

"Because I am a sin, and my face is punishment," he says the last words as a tear rolls down his cheek and I'm in utter shock. I'm about to jump at him and kill him when he quickly lowers the gun, grabs him by his shoulder, spins him around, and hooks his arm around his neck holding him in place.

He places the gun against his temple again and looks directly at me.

"If you don't leave in the next fifteen seconds, I will paint the wall with his brain."

"Renjun," I hear myself whisper.

"And if you tell a soul, I swear to you, I will send you a new piece of his body every damn day."

Tears falling down his face and he's not even struggling, not resisting at all. I quickly stumble backward out of the apartment and shut the door. I'm only out of the house for a second before I run as fast as I can to my car and grab my phone. I dial 911 right away and fill them in on the situation. Fifteen minutes later, the cop cars pull up without their sirens or lights on. They must be doing it to make sure his father doesn't see or hear and shoot Renjun. They all got out of their cars but no one is running into the house.

"What are you doing? Go help him!" I yell at the officer nearest to me.

He grabs me and shoves me into the backseat of his car.

"This is a hostage situation we can't just go in there."

I fall silent and he slams the door. An ambulance is called into the scene, and they make the mistake of not turning their siren off. Two gunshots ring out and everyone freezes. After thirty minutes of trying to make contact, they finally enter the house and several minutes later, they're pulling his father out in handcuffs. The paramedics go in and pull Renjun out not much longer. He's limp in the arms of the paramedics carrying him. I get out of the car and run over to him, but not before being stopped and held back by an officer.

"He needs space son," I barely hear him say.

From closer up, I can get a better look at him. He has blood all over him. His clothes are torn and he looks...broken.

I'm about to yell out to him, even though he's unconscious when a hand grips my shoulder tightly.

"Let's get you home."

I turn barely enough to make out the officer.

"Is he alive? Is he okay?"

"He's alive. You did the right thing."

My heart sinks when he doesn't answer the second question.

"But is he–"

"Son, I don't know what to tell you. He was torturing him in there."

"He was...he was what? What? What did he do?"

"We need to get you home," he replies sternly.

"Hey!"

"That's an order!"

The ambulance takes off, sirens on, probably to the hospital. I let the officer lead me to his car and drive me not back to my apartment, but to my parents' house. 

No one's home so I go upstairs to the guest room and fall down on the bed. I'm exhausted and depressed. I fall apart. I let tears fall and try to stop them but it doesn't work, so I punch a hole in the wall, and then pace the room, and then let some more tears slip. 

Eventually, I go to the shower and stand under the burning hot water for over an hour. My mom comes home and I tell her what happened. She brings me food and I eat then throw it up and take another hour-long shower.

I've never in my life felt so shitty. There's no escape. So I go to the cellar and grab a bottle of whiskey but I never open it. Instead, I drive to the hospital and sit in the waiting room for hours while he's in surgery.

"What the hell do you mean you can't tell me? I am his only family!" I yell at the nurse who's standing by me in the lobby. "What the hell did he do to him?" I ask again.

Renjun's nurse sighs. "That's confidential with his doctors, hun. I'm not at liberty to tell you."

I clench my teeth and my fist ball-up.

"Listen, I know you know what he did to him. I swear to god, if you don't tell me I will find the goddamn case file myself."

She sighs frustratingly.

"To start, he shot him twice, but before that, he...had him tied down and he was waterboarding him."

"Water... waterboarding him?"

She nods somberly and I shut my eyes tight. "When can I see him?"

"Not yet. They may have to take him back into surgery, there's a lot of internal damage."

"Okay just, come get me as soon as I can see him. I'll be here."

She nods but before she walks off she sighs and says, "Look, honey, I don't want to give you any false hope. There's a good chance he won't make it, an overwhelming chance. Just...stay optimistic, but...when I walk back out here, don't exactly be expecting good news." I stare at the brunette bitch as she walks off.

"He will be okay...he's a fighter," I say to myself, but my brain betrays me and I'm immediately flooded with even more terror and heartbreak. I grab my phone and my fingers are flying, searching for some answer that isn't what I think it is.

"Waterboarding is a form of water torture in which water is poured over a cloth covering the face and breathing passages of an immobilized captive, causing the individual to experience the sensation of drowning."

"Waterboarding can cause extreme pain, dry drowning, damage to lungs, brain damage from oxygen deprivation, other physical injuries including broken bones due to struggling against restraints, lasting psychological damage, and death."

"Adverse physical consequences can manifest themselves months after the event, while psychological effects can last for years."

"Psychological effects can last for years," I read again, aloud this time. "Years."

Unable to control them longer, my eyes shut, and I sleep.

"Excuse me," a voice wakes me up.

My eyes open and adjust to an older male doctor. "You're Renjun's friend?"

"Boyfriend," I correct, shocking myself.

He nods his head and clears his throat. "I'm very sorry."

My whole world comes crashing down with those three words. The brunette nurse turns the corner and walks towards me as the doctor continues, "We did everything we could."

"No. No, it can't be! No!"

"I'm sorry, there was just too much damage, we couldn't repair it."

"He's gone?" I ask shocked.

He nods and touches my shoulder. "I am very sorry for your loss."

The nurse approaches us, giving me a sympathetic glance. "Sorry honey, but I warned you," she shrugs.

I feel like my chest is collapsing in on itself. How do I function? How do I cope?

"Excuse me, sir?" A voice calls out from somewhere distant.

I snap awake with a large gasp clutching on the seat I'm in. It was just a dream. Thank god, it was just a dream

_ More like a nightmare _ , I think to myself, running my hands over my face.

"Are you alright, sir?" Asks the same voice.

I shoot up into a standing position and make it to Renjun's nurse.

"Is he okay?" I ask frantically.

"He's asleep, but you can go see him if you'd like."

I nod eagerly and the nurse leads the way to Renjun's own small little private hospital room She leaves to give us time together and inch towards Renjun where he lies in the bed.

"Hey Jun," I whisper.

I pull up a chair and sit next to him. "Listen for a second. Even if you're asleep."

I grab his hand and intertwine it with mine.

"I just got you. You can't leave okay?" My vision blurs as lumps forms in my throat and I work hard to push it down. "You gotta fight Jun, please, for me. I just...I just got you. You can't leave now."

His hand squeezes mine slightly and I bring it up to my lips kissing it.

"I'm not going anywhere, Renjun. I'm going to stay right here by your side. I just, I can't lose you."

"You won't," he says, a soft hoarse whisper.

I feel my chest release a breath of air and I relax slightly. He shifts around slightly, uncomfortable.

"This will be over soon okay? And then we can go home."

"Home?" he asks. "Your place?"

"I don't care. Anywhere. As long as I'm with you."

"Home is with you," he says softly.

"Exactly. You're my home," I pepper his knuckles with kisses.

"Home is where you are," he says softly before drifting back off to sleep.


	11. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Renjun's POV**

"Aren't you even the slightest bit glad to get back home?" Jeno asks me as he's driving me back to his place.

I haven't smiled once in the past 24 hours. Granted, I've been in the hospital for a week and a half now, and I had to undergo more surgery and was almost transferred to a different facility. I've gone through a lot and I know it's been hard on him too.

He's nervous, treading carefully. I don't move my head from the direction it's pointed, out the window, not responding to his question. Earlier, I could cope, I could be near him and it helped. But now, I don't know, something has just happened. I feel like two different people, one side is the old me that's fighting to be close to Jeno, and the other side is dead and hollow and right now, that side is in control. The car comes to a stop and I look ahead seeing, oh look, blackness, as usual.

"Ice cream shop. I thought maybe we could get a treat?" He asks, generously.

I clench my teeth and turn back out my window.

"Renjun," he says softly. He places his hand on my thigh and I flinch so hard that he immediately pulls away. I rest my head against the window breathing heavier from the little contact.

"Is there something I can do, to make it better?"

No response from me.

"I'm sorry this happened to you, Jun."

Yeah, me too Jeno, but it did.

"It's just hard to tell if I did something wrong and you're giving me the silent treatment, or if you just need some quiet time."

I want to roll my eyes at himself, so bad.

"I just wish I knew what you were thinking."

"No," I snap, "you don't."

It's absolutely silent in the car for a minute and then he sticks the key in the ignition and starts the car.

"Okay," he says quietly. "I'll just give you some time until you're ready."

I actually feel relief flood through me when he clears his throat. I hate the quiet, but I don't want to talk, I feel trapped.

"There's just one thing that I need to know right now, upfront."

I wait for him to continue.

"Where are we in all this? Are we still a thing? Or friends? Or...what?"

I don't respond. I don't know how to. When we arrive at what I assume is his apartment complex, I still haven't answered his question. He turns the car off and sighs.

"Alrighty then. Just tell me when you've made up your mind. Ball's in your court."

I release a heavy sigh and get out of the car slamming the door behind me. As soon as we're inside, I retreat to the bedroom, slamming that door behind me as well. I sleep with nightmares and spend the day catching up on work from classes. I know Jeno does the same because the few times I leave to go get water or use the restroom, I hear him typing on his laptop or scribbling notes down.

Later, during the evening, the apartment is quiet. Jeno left hours ago, to go surfing I assume. So now, I sit on the bed in the darkness, wondering if there are stars out and trying to hold tears back. When the silence of the room gets to be too much, I snatch my earbuds from my nightstand and plug them into my phone. I turn the volume up all the way to drown out my thoughts as loud beat floods my ears.

As my eyes grow progressively foggier, I grab my pillow and push my face into it, suffocating myself. I feel myself becoming light-headed as the pillow is ripped away from me. Suddenly my earbuds are pulled out of my ears and someone's shaking my shoulders.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Jeno yells. I break immediately and start crying.

"Jesus," he says, lowering his tone. He sits on the bed and pulls me into his arms. I clutch onto his shirt as I sob into him.

"You scared the shit out of me Renjun," he says, breathing heavily. I feel his heartbeat, pumping fast, and his body is shaking with adrenaline. "Don't do shit like that. I can't lose you."

I begin to get control over my emotions but the tears don't stop.

"Renjun," he says. "I'm serious Renjun. Tell me you'll never do anything like that again."

After I respond with silence he shakes me again.

"Damn it Renjun! Tell me you won't!"

I nod into him. "Okay," I breathe, "I won't."

He sighs and relaxes as he pulls me into him tighter

After a few minutes, my tears have stopped but I still stay fragile in his arms.

"Renjun," Jeno squeezes my hand and I turn my head towards the sound of his voice. "How did you become blind?"

I take a deep breath and push myself impossibly further into his grasp.

"I'll tell you, just don't...don't be freaked out, okay?"

"Never," he says, softly brushing his hand up and down my knee.

I shut my eyes and flashback to the day I lost light.

_ "Bring me a beer," she spat at me angrily, "and then you can go back to your room." _

_ I walk to the fridge and grab a beer, but the floor is wet and I slip. The beer crashes under me and foams before settling. _

_ "Why can't you do anything right?" She asks me. _

_ "I'm sorry, mom." _

_ "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I gave birth to such a foul thing as you. Clean it up." _

_ I grab a rag and put it to the floor, watching as it soaks up the alcohol. I throw it into the sink and grab my mother another beer. I turn around to give it to her just as she sticks a needle into her arm and pushes the plunger. She sighs deeply and shut her eyes contently. I place the beer next to her on the tiny dining table but the glass clinks against the wood and her eyes snap open. She reaches out for me and grabs my arms, wrenching me towards her painfully. _

_ "There is love. There is life. But you cannot see it. You are a monster under children's beds. You are the disease in the air. You are the insect in the mud. You are a sickness. You are death. You are pain. You are guilt, anger, irritation, frustration, misery, and suffering. You were the worst mistake I ever made. You awful sin, go back to hell," she spits. _

_ She pushes me away sending me to the floor, but I quickly scramble up to run to my closet. There at least, I'll have my elephant. My stuffed elephant that a neighborhood child gave to me when he saw my black eye. I shut myself in my closet and grab the toy. I look at its big floppy grey ears and its cute lopsided smile. It's the last time I'll look at it. _

_ "What did you do to your mother?" He yells swinging the door open so hard I think it'll come off its hinges. _

_ "I—I didn't do anything." _

_ "I heard the crash! Tell me what you did! Did you kill her?!" _

_ "No! I just dropped the beer that I was getting her! I promise! She gave herself a shot it was probably that!" _

_ "You little brat you think that you can lie to me?!" _

_ He yanks me by the hair to the kitchen where she's lying. I touch her leg to see if she's okay. Her skin is freezing. Like I was touching a layer of frost over her skin. _

_ "WHAT DID YOU DO?!" _

_ "I—I just dropped the drink, I promise!" _

_ "You dropped the drink, huh? Well, let me drop a fucking drink on you and see how much you like it!" _

_ My eyes settle on the little grey elephant, still in my hand. There to give me the strength I need. I look down at Floppy the elephant before a beer bottle is shattered in my face. I know I'm screaming. I'm yelling. I'm in so much pain, but I've dropped Floppy and if I can just find him, I know it'll all be better. I hear another bottle crash into my face and the light is taken from my eyes. _

_ My neighbor was the one to take me to the hospital where they pulled out little pieces of glass from my eyes...and not so little pieces of glass from my eyes. I was five years old. I don't know what my neighbor told the hospital. But I never saw my mom again, my dad was never taken in for questioning, and I never ever saw light or color again. _

_ The world is dark. _

I explain the story to Jeno in much fewer details than I remember because...I'm scared. When I tell him about the beer bottles, I can feel him flinch thinking about the pain.

"So that's it, now you know everything."

He sighs and squeezes me. "Thank you for telling me, for trusting me with this."

I smile lightly and snuggle back into his chest. After a few minutes of silence, I sigh.

"Jeno, I can practically hear you thinking."

"Hmm."

"Jeno," I nudge him with my elbow.

"Oh...what?" He asks snapping out of his trance.

"What's on your mind?"

"You," he replies easily.

"Well... what about me?"

"Oh, it's nothing, just something your nurse said to me. I get it now."

"What—what did she say?" I ask nervously, sitting up.

"Nothing Jun, don't worry about it."

"Jeno that's not fair, I just told you everything."

"She said you weren't responding to treatment normally and they suspected that something happened to you," he sighs.

"Wait–" I pull away from him. "What happened to me wasn't in the record?"

"I dunno. She said something was being reconsidered."

He grabs my arm and tries to pull me back to him but I pull away lightly. "Hold on, I'm thinking."

"Renjun," he whines. "I told you not to worry about it."

I sigh and allow him to pull me to him. "You're right. It doesn't matter now anyway. It's in the past."

He kisses the top of my head and I let myself drift asleep in his arms.

I awake to Jeno gently running his hand through my hair.

"Hi," I say softly.

"Hey," he whispers. "How'd you sleep?"

"Really well," I smile.

"Good."

I sigh contently into his arms, feeling like the past is in the past.

"Hey, I have a competition this weekend," Jeno says, still running his hands through my hair.

I grimace and tilt my head up at him. "I have to meet with my client"

"It's alright. Maybe next time. When does the trial start?"

"Not until after Thanksgiving."

"Oh, that reminds me!" He shouts, startling me. I jump slightly in his arms and giggle.

"We are doing Thanksgiving with my parents this year."

"Really?!" I ask, feeling excitement bubble up in me. "We?"

"Of course, we. I'm stoked."

"What about the pit party?" I ask, tilting my head towards him.

"If you aren't there, it doesn't interest me" I feel him shrug.

I pause for a few minutes thinking about his words.

I sit up from his grasp and grab his hand. "Listen, what you asked earlier, about us...I want to clarify, that...that's something I want to continue."

"Really?" He asks seriously. "I mean, same rules apply as before? I kiss you...touch you–"

I smile softly, feeling rebellious. "Yeah, yeah, I'd rather you not tell me the rules, but show me the rules."

"You wanna go grab something to eat?" Jeno asks me on our way out of class.

"Oh god, yes. Anything to get my brain off of Chemistry," I grab his hand and move closer to his side.

"You don't really use your stick anymore, huh?"

"Nope," I smile up at him. "You're a pretty good hearing eye dog," I tease.

"Hey now," he chuckles. He puts his hands around my waist and picks me up, twirling me around and kissing me as he sets me back down.

"Oh, Jeno! You dirty, dirty dog!" A male voice yells from across the courtyard. Footsteps approach us quickly and I hear some sort of handshake slap thing.

"Lucas," Jeno chuckles.

"Yeah, hey man, I didn't know you were hooking up," Lucas laughs.

"Dating," Jeno corrects.

Lucas lets out a low whistle. "Damn. Who's the lucky guy?"

"Renjun," I say, giving a small wave.

"Nice to meet you. You wouldn't mind letting Jeno go for a couple of drinks would you?"

"Oh, no of course not," I smile and release Jeno's hand.

Jeno steps closer to Lucas. "I thought you quit? Is this more important? We had plans."

"Sorta. It's about the competition this weekend."

Jeno courses under his breath and then turns back to me. "You'll be okay getting home right?"

"Of course," I nod.

"Home?" Lucas mumbles under his breath. "Dude, two weeks ago you were making out with Yeeun and now you two are living together?"

A scuffle breaks out between the two of them and then Jeno turns back to me. "That night at the beach–"

"I figured," I interrupt. "It's okay we weren't together."

He sighs and I pick up on the familiar sound of him pushing his hand through his hair.

"We'll talk more about this later okay?"

"Okay."

"I gotta go, call me when you get home so I know you made it safe, alright?"

"Alright."

"Do you need cash for a cab?" He asks.

"Jen, I got around perfectly fine before I met you, remember?"

"Right," he chuckles. "Sorry. See you later."

I give one last smile and then pull out my stick and turn around.

I'm standing at the counter eating lunch when the door unlocks and opens.

"Oh damn, it smells good in here," Jeno says kicking off his shoes and locking the door.

"I ordered Chinese," I say through a mouthful of noodles.

Jeno comes up behind me and presses himself into me, wrapping his hands around my stomach. He kisses my neck and then sighs contently saying, "You smell nice."

I laugh as he rests his chin on my shoulder. "I smell like how I always smell."

"Yeah, nice," he grabs the fork from my hand and takes some noodles himself.

"Hey get your own fork," I nudge him with my elbow.

He swallows his mouthful and hands the fork back to me. "It's more fun to share."

"Remember when we had a food fight?" I laugh lightly at the memory and twirl the fork in the noodles.

"Yeah," he chuckles, "and you dumped these noodles on your face."

"Um yeah, after you tried to burn a hole in my esophagus," I tease. He chuckles and I raise the fork to my mouth but at the last second, he snatches it and eats it. I groan and swat his hands away from my waist. When he finally backs off, I back up and grab a fork from the drawer that we were blocking. As soon as I'm done, he's back against me an arm wrapping around my stomach.

"Jeno, you can't give me even a little space?" I tease.

"I told you I was gonna touch you. You signed up for this."

I blush and clear my throat. Jeno chuckles at my reaction.

"You blush so easily. Good to know what's on your mind."

"Hey!" I nudge him with my elbow again.

I try to grab a piece of chicken but his fork crosses mine pushing it out of the way. I go for a second try but he does it again, playing sword fight with our forks.

"Don't you think this is even the littlest bit unfair considering I can't see?" I ask.

"Pssh no. You have superpowers remember, if anyone has the advantage it's you."

"You're ridiculous," I giggle. I place my fork down and try to move but Jeno has me sandwiched between him and the counter.

"No, don't leave," he whines through a mouthful of chicken.

"Well, it's not like I can move anyway," I mumble.

He kisses my neck and I sigh enjoying the shivers and goosebumps running up and down my arms.

"So what's up with the competition?" I ask.

"Nothing really. Just schedules were changed around..."

I pause and pick up my fork, twirling it in the noodles again.

"Okay, that was a nice excuse. Now, what's the truth?"

He sighs and grabs my hands turning me around and pulling me towards him.

"This guy. He's competing."

He rests his forehead against mine.

"Okay," I shrug.

"He won last year. He beat me. He's really good."

"And this is bugging you?" I question.

"It's just lingering in my head. Eating at my brain."

"Well, why do you surf?" I ask.

I feel him shrug against me.

"I don't know. It's fun."

"Jeno," I scold. "That's such a sixteen-year-old boy answer. Come on, dig deep."

He sighs and his hands travel to the small of my back.

"It's what I love to do."

"Then you have nothing to worry about."

He nods and I smile. I stretch upwards and press my lips against his. As he kisses me back, his hands sink lower and eventually, he's leaning against the counter as I'm pressed to him. His stomach grumbles and we both pull away laughing.

"Jesus, let a guy eat would you?" He teases.

I snort a laugh and move reluctantly from his arms. He grabs the boxes and moves them to the living room where we eat while he watches some surf channel. I listen to him as he talks to the television, agreeing with the judges' scores along with throwing in his fancy surf lingo. Occasionally, he'll yell through mouthfuls of food and that makes me laugh.

"What a great backdoor! What the fuck do you mean it was sloppy?! Your face is sloppy, asshole!"

I start cracking up and Jeno asks, "What?!"

"Nothing," I giggle. "I just like you."

"Oh good, I'm glad," he snorts sarcastically.

"I mean it," I laugh. "Sometimes I think you're more blind than me."

"Oh yeah, and how's that?" He asks, brushing his hand up my leg.

"Well to start, that backdoor was obviously sloppy, I mean–" I break and start giggling as he tackles me on the couch.

"Oh yeah?" He chuckles, tickling my sides. "Funny, last time I checked you didn't even know what backdoor meant in surfing."

I shrug and break again, giggling.

"Uh-huh, that's what I thought."

We both start laughing and then Jeno presses his lips against mine softly. He works my lips until I gladly open up to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. This time when I moan he doesn't stop, but it spurs him on.

"You're amazing," he breathes, kissing down my jaw and neck. I gasp softly and reveal more of my neck to him.

"I want you," he growls.

"Jeno," I sigh. I struggle to find an excuse. "Not on the couch."

He grunts and then murmurs, "You're right," right before he rolls off me, and picks me up, throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me to the bedroom. I squeal and squirm until he dumps me on the bed, not wasting a second before he's back over me, this time with a renewed confidence. I kiss him back with all the passion and heat I can muster, but when he rolls his hips against me, I break the kiss and place a hand against his chest.

"Hold on," I pant.

"What is it?" He asks, concerned.

"Before we do this, there's something I want to do..."

"Okay...what is it?"

"...I want to know your body like I know your face, but that requires going kinda slow."

"We'll do whatever you want to do, baby. Just tell me what I need to do."

"Can you sit against the headboard?"

"Sure," he whispers. I hear the sheets move as he travels to the headboard. I follow and swing my leg over him so I'm straddling him. He moans as I settle over him and I place my forehead against him, embarrassed.

"You have no idea what you do to me," he says softly.

I smile softly and pull away, brushing my hand over his face. I remember his features as my fingers find the dips and divots of his face.

"Dark brown eyes, right?"

I feel him nod. I move my hands to the roots of his hair and tug lightly, extracting another moan.

"And dark brown, too?"

He nods again. I let my hands explore downwards brushing over his neck and feeling his adam's apple, his collarbone, and broad shoulders. My fingers grab at the loose cotton material over his warm skin, but I bite my lip, questioning my next move. Jeno seems to read my mind and he sits for a second to pull the shirt over his head.

"You can go on if you want," he breathes.

I do just that, letting my hands feel his back then run around to his front, his skin heating everywhere, melting my hands. My hands travel further south feeling the outline of six little squares.

"Jeno, don't flex."

"I'm not," he chuckles.

I let my forehead fall against his again as my cheeks heat. "Oh my god."

"Renjun, I'm sorry, I can't do this whole sit still thing anymore."

"Just a little longer."

He shakes his head against me.

"I need to kiss you, touch you."

"Let me first," I huff.

"Renjun," he groans. "I can't control myself much longer. I need you."

I press a finger against his lips, silencing him.

"You'll get me, all of me, but first I need to feel you."

He nods reluctantly and I continue brushing my hands around his torso, pulling together every curve, every drop, every rough edge, and smooth corner.

I feel the line of his jeans and push my hand underneath. His back bends and his voice comes out differently, rougher.

"Fuck Renjun, I can't, let me touch you."

"Not yet," I say softly. When I find the elastic of his boxers and push my hand underneath, he pushes his head back against the headboard forcefully.

"When?" He asks, strained.

I do my best to touch him, to somehow make him feel as amazing as he always makes me feel.

"Renjun, please—oh fuck, that feels good, please say it."

I torment him a bit longer and eventually give him, greedy and longing for his touch.

"Okay, now. You can touch me now. You can take me now."

He sits up in a jolt and covers my mouth with his own. I work my hand along with him, extracting moans in our kiss. He rolls on top of me and strips me off my shirt.

"You're so beautiful," he groans, kissing down my chest. As my back arches, something seems to trigger him and he completely engulfs me, in his desires, his lust, his love. I give in and give back everything I can until we're both spent and exhausted.

Hours later, I'm buried deep within Jeno's arms, unable to help smiling. I giggle and snuggle closer to Jeno's warm chest, but he pulls me away.

"Okay sex 101, never laugh after sex, or...during. It freaks the other out," he says.

"Oh no! No, I'm just happy, it's nothing you did, trust me...you were incredible."

He hooks his finger under my chin and pulls my face up.

"Not nearly as good as you," he says, leaning down and kissing me.

I scoff humorously and once again, snuggle closer to him.

"You know what?" I ask timidly.

"What?" He says, brushing fingers through my hair.

"You make me see colors again," I blurt it out before I can stop myself from saying it.

"Really?" He asks, surprised.

"Yeah, when I'm with you, I can see this color."

"What color is it?"

"Blue, but it's not a sad blue, it's a good blue."

I feel him smile against my forehead.

"Like the ocean?"

"Oh, I don't know, I've never seen the ocean, but I'd like to imagine they're the same color."

"Hmm. That's nice."

I nod and find myself smiling once more. Jeno clears his throat.

"You know, sometimes I see color when I'm with you too."

"Really?" I ask. "What color?"

"It's like this, really dark menacing black."

"You are such a jerk!" I yell, slapping his chest, but finding his teasing amusing regardless.

"Oh, I'm just messing with you" he chuckles, kissing my forehead.

I scoff and eventually sigh with peace. "I really like this."

"Yeah," he sighs contently. "Your naked body pressed against mine in bed, post the best sex of my life. I'd say this makes the 'I Really Like This' list."

"I can't even tolerate you!" I yell, slapping his chest again.

He grabs my wrist, laughing. "I'm not even kidding! It's like right between pizza and Hatchet."

"Jeno!" I shout, trying to sit up.

He laughs harder and pulls me back down quickly.

"No no no, I'm just kidding. This moment is currently making a new list."

"What list?" I questioned, intrigued.

I feel him shrug. I try to get up again but he pulls me down and rolls on top of me, earning a gasp.

"You are way too sexy to be anywhere but right here," he says.

I snort a laugh and place my hands on both sides of his face, brushing my thumbs along his cheeks.

"What's the list?" I ask again, softly.

He sighs and takes my hands away from his face, pinning them above my head.

"The new list is called, 'Things I Really Love'."

I can't help a smile from growing on my face and as soon as he releases my hands, I bring them back to him, pushing back what feels like his now messy ruffled hair.

"You know what's on top of that list?" He asks me softly.

"What?"

He leans forward and whispers, "You."


	12. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [f/n] hello~  
> the resident friend from LaysPeach's Ice Prince who helps in posting is also here ( ˙꒳˙ )/  
> sincere apologies for the confusion with the tags and warnings, we're still ao3 noobs (ಥ﹏ಥ)  
> we have edited it and we'll definitely take note of the mistake (╯︵╰,) here goes the last chapter!
> 
> **Jeno's POV**

"I'm a little nervous," Renjun says, outside the door to my parents' house.

"Don't be," I reply, leaning over and kissing his cheek. "They love you."

"Not really," he mutters.

"Yes really, and besides, I love you and if they don't they can fuck off."

He laughs lightly and twines his hand through mine. I ring the doorbell and my mom swings the door open quickly.

"Hey, mom, happy Thanksgiving," I say, walking in and kissing her on the cheek. Renjun follows me and hugs mom, greeting her. We kick off our shoes and walk into the kitchen.

"Wow, it smells great," Renjun says.

Dad's distracted and turned away at the stove, cooking something. I turn to see the table is already set.

"Hani, can you put the wine away for me, please? You know how Jeno gets about that boy and his drinking problems," dad says.

One fucking minute into Thanksgiving and he's already fucked up. He's already an asshole.

I scoff and pull Renjun towards the door.

"No, it's fine," he whispers.

"It's not fine," I say harshly, loud enough so my father can hear me.

"Jeno, really."

"No! I'm tired of this bullshit. He thinks he can make assumptions and talk shit about the boy I love, and he can't! I'm not tolerating this shit anymore."

"Jeno?" My father steps timidly towards me while my mother lingers in the hallway.

"Don't even fucking try! I can't sit at a table with you and pretend to be happy after that!"

"My boy, I'm sorry..."

"You're apologizing to me?" I look to my mom for support to find her looking downwards.

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?!"

"Jeno, it's fine," Renjun says, a little louder now.

"Why can't you just accept him? He's done nothing wrong to you!"

"Jeno please," he tugs at my sleeve. "Let's go cool off."

"I love him! You have no right to talk about him! No right to treat him with so much disrespect!"

Dad clears his throat. "We just think you two aren't exactly...compatible."

I yank my arm away from Renjun and approach him quickly but before one of us can take a swing my mom steps in between us.

"Jeno, go cool off," my mother commands.

"No need, we'll be leaving. Enjoy the fucking cranberry sauce."

I storm past them to the kitchen and grab my mom's pumpkin pie off the counter. On the way out, I grab Renjun and yell, "Don't be surprised when you're not invited to the wedding!" then slam the door behind me and charge to the car, dragging Renjun behind me. I place the pie on top of the car and turn towards him.

"Don't say anything okay? Please, don't say anything right now, let's just go back home," I plead.

He nods his head and gets in the car. I drive us back to the apartment and then take us up the steps and finally indoors. Once we're there, I place my keys and the pie down and push Renjun up against the door, as my lips crash down on his. I need him like I need air, and I close the small distance between us, pressing all my warmth and hardness into his body.

His hands move on their very own instinct into my hair where he tugs lightly, just making me crave him more. I work his lips for long seconds, brushing my tongue against his, grazing his lips with my teeth. Tugging him impossibly closer, pulling him deeper. I kiss and kiss and kiss him until my lips are raw and then last, I pull away slowly and rest my forehead against his.

"Well," he breathes heavily, "that was the best kiss of my life."

I chuckle and tuck a piece of hair behind his ear.

"Also," he continues, "did I ever tell you how badass my boyfriend is? Or how much I freaking love him?"

"You're not mad?" I ask.

"Are you kidding me? I want to do a lot more than kiss you for that!"

"Really?" I chuckle.

He nods and laughs. I chuckle and kiss his cheek.

"What do you wanna do for dinner?" I ask.

"Are you kidding me?" He scoffs. "Food can wait."

He grabs my tie and pulls me to the bedroom. I kiss him on the bed and he pulls me over him.

"I love you, Jeno."

"What was that?"

Renjun giggles underneath me. "I know you heard me."

"I don't care, say it again."

"I love you," he says quietly.

"Say it again."

"I. Love. You."

"Say it again."

He laughs, giddy with nerves and happiness.

"I love–"

I interrupt him, pressing my mouth against his. This time when our lips part and my tongue brushes against his, he lets out soft moans and I shift above him immediately, pressing my body into him. I break the kiss suddenly and chuckle.

"So um, now might be a good time to tell you that I love you, too, right?"

He giggles and nods. "Yeah, um, I am sort of waiting for that."

"I love you," I say softly.

He smiles and whispers, "I love you."

"Say it again."

He snorts a laugh. "Just shut up and kiss me would you."

"You are what's best for me."

"Well, maybe after the whole marriage threat, they'll realize that," he laughs nervously.

"Don't worry Jun, I'm not gonna get down on one knee any day soon, but I will one day."

Renjun's stomach growls and he giggles.

"Time for food?" I chuckle.

"I cannot believe you stole your mom's pumpkin pie!" Renjun giggles.

"I know...I kinda feel bad about it, if I'm being honest. She always spends a really long time on it," I sigh looking over at the pie on the counter.

Renjun takes a bite of the chicken sub I made him. "Why don't you invite her over?" He says through a mouthful of the food.

"You're so fucking cute in my shirt, you know that?"

He blushes and swallows his bite. "You're changing the subject..."

I groan and lean against the counter. "Then my dad will want to come."

"Then invite both of them," he shrugs.

"Doesn't that kinda defeat the purpose of storming out?"

He shrugs again. "Maybe, but they're your parents. I bet you'll look back on it in a couple of years and laugh."

"Um, no, I definitely won't be looking back and laughing," I chuckle.

Renjun stands up from the stool and walks over to me. "What if something were to happen to them? You wouldn't want your last words to them to be 'don't be surprised when you're not invited to the wedding' right?"

I sigh deeply and grab his hand. "You're right. I'll call them."

"I'll go get dressed...properly."

"You know this is gonna be awkward right?" I say while I'm leaning against the door frame to our bedroom and watching Renjun change.

"So they're coming then?"

"Yeah, they're coming. This is going to be so weird. Can't we just press a giant reset button on the whole day?"

"Why? Because you told them to enjoy the fucking cranberry sauce, or because you stole your mom's pie, or because you uninvited them to our future wedding?"

"Ugh, all of the above," I groan.

"Jeno it'll be fine," he says softly. "They love you, they just want to spend a holiday with you."

"I know, but if they say anything, and I mean, anything bad about you, I swear to god, they're gone."

"God, why are they taking so long? Are they coming or not?" I complain, tapping my fingers restlessly against the counter.

"They probably just got held up in traffic Jen, wouldn't worry about it," Renjun says as he fixes his hair.

My phone rings in my pocket and I answer it, not recognizing the number.

"Hello, is this Lee Jeno?" A female voice on the other end asks.

"Yes, this is he."

I look over at Renjun who looks back in my direction just as confused as I am.

"Yes sir, your parents have just been in a car accident, they're in an ambulance being taken to the hospital as we speak."

"What?!" I shout jumping up from the stool.

"Sir, I need you to remain calm–"

I hang up the phone and throw on my Vans.

"I need to go to the hospital, my parents got into a car crash on the way here," I say quickly, grabbing my keys.

"What?!" Renjun says shocked. "Okay, lemme grab my shoes and bag."

"No Renjun, I need you to stay here."

"What? No, why?"

"Just, damn it, I need to leave and I need you to stay here okay?!"

"No, Jeno, I'm coming with you."

"No! Just...stay here," I open the door and slam it behind me running to my car, then I push the pedal all the way to the hospital.

I'm in the lobby trying to reason with the secretary to tell me what's going on and let me see my parents when a yellow taxi cab pulls up. I see in the reflection of the mirrored shiny reception desk and I hold up a finger to the secretary. "One sec."

I run outside while Renjun's paying his fare and I open the taxi door.

"Get back in and go back home, now," I say to him harshly.

"Jeno, you didn't give up on me. You didn't leave me in my darkest moments, so I'm not going to leave you."

"Are you not hearing me?!" I yell. "Jesus are you fucking deaf?! I don't want you!"

"Okay," he says softly. "I'll just wait here outside then."

"No! I don't mean I don't want you here, I mean, I don't want you, at all!"

"Jeno...don't...don't do this."

"Go away, Renjun!"

He's crying now and part of me feels bad, but another part of me can't look at him.

"Now! Leave! We're done!"

He turns and gets back in the taxi when I spot an ambulance pulling into the side entrance of the hospital. I run to the ambulance where I find my dad. I'm by his side as he's on a stretcher and I follow him all the way to his surgery room, but the joke's on me, cause they shut the damn in my face. I pace outside for hours and then run down the other wing to check on my mom, also in surgery. There's no news for hours and then down the hallway, I see one of the nurses walk out of dad's operating room. I sprint to her and she clears her throat softly.

"Sir...there was nothing more we could have done. I am sorry..."

The rest after that is blurry. I don't know what to do. Do I fall down right here and cry? Do I go back to mom's room and pace some more, waiting for news? I'm lost, I'm so lost and I haven't the slightest clue where to even start. I look down as something touches my arm softly.

"Renjun?" I hear myself say. My eyes are playing tricks on me. He left.

"I'm sorry, I drove half a block and turned back I can't–"

"You're here?"

"I know, but before you yell at me to leave–"

"Oh, thank god," I interrupt, pulling him into me. "I thought I lost you. I can't lose you too."

He hugs me and pulls away quickly, pulling me into some private doctor's room.

"Renjun–" I say, my voice breaking more.

"Shh shh, it's okay," he says softly, pulling me onto the paper-covered bench.

"Renjun, he's dead. My dad, he's d-dead, he's gone. He's gone and h–he's n–never coming back."

I bury my head in my hands as my throat burns with the sensation of tears. I don't even try to fight them, and I break, pressing my face further into my hands. Renjun holds onto my shoulder with one hand and rubs my back with the other, trying to comfort me. He kisses my arm and my shoulder every once in a while, letting me pour out my pain.

"What am I gonna do?" I ask Renjun, hoping he'll have some miracle answer for me.

"You're going to mourn for your dad and wait for good news for your mom. When it gets to be much, you just give me some of the pain, okay? I'll take it."

I nod slowly and pull my hands away from my face. I grab Renjun's hand and intertwine it with me. I stare at our fingers together for a long time and more tears fall, they just refuse to stop. I squeeze Renjun's hand every time my heart squeezes in pain and he kisses my shoulder, where his head is now resting.

"I think I need you forever to survive this..." I say quietly.

"You can schedule an appointment with my secretary," he says quietly.

I chuckle shortly and squeeze his hand. "Will you be busy?"

"Well...forever's a long time."

I chuckle again and feel some of the weight lifted off me.

"I love you, Renjun."

"Oh Jen, I love you."

"I love you so much..." I shift my position so now my forehead is resting flat against his shoulder. "I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for coming back."

"Of course," he says softly. "I can't abandon the only home I have."

"So I guess that means your secretary can schedule an appointment...for forever?"

"Jeno..." he says it so lovingly and I'm in such a state of weakness it makes me want to break all over again. "You and forever are kind of a package deal."

I squeeze his hand and sit up straight, pulling him into me. Just then a nurse walks in and we both shoot up.

"Jeno... Lee?" The nurse asks.

I nod.

"Your mom is in recovery, it looks like she's going to make it."

I feel the breath release from my body in relief and I nod again. Renjun squeezes my hand and I think that just maybe, his plan to get through this may work.

"I feel so guilty about it Renjun, all the time," I sigh, gripping the steering wheel harshly as we drive to visit my mom.

"It's only been a month since he died Jeno, it's okay, you need time to heal."

I nod and press the brakes about five yards early of the stop sign.

"What are the stages of grief again?" I ask, watching as my knuckles turn white from my death grip on the wheel. I was pretty sure 'become scared shitless of driving' wasn't part of the deal.

"Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance."

"Which one am I on?"

"I'm pretty sure you're in bargaining," he says timidly.

"I'm past anger? How could you tell when I was in anger? Was I a dick to you? Oh my god Renjun, if I've said anything."

"No Jeno," he places his hand over mine on the wheel and my hand relaxes immediately. "It was just your dreams. You were yelling and cussing at night in your dreams, and you were easily irritable around some of your friends..."

"Some?"

"Okay, a lot of your friends, but not me, and they understood."

I release a deep breath of air and press slowly on the gas, moving the car forward. "How did you do it, especially as a little kid?" I ask him.

He shrugs and turns away for a minute, then he turns back and clears his throat saying, "I didn't love my mom."

I let his words sink in before replying, "I don't blame you."

He smiles softly and shrugs again.

"Thank you for helping me through this," I whisper, pulling his hand up to my lips and pressing a kiss against it. "I think about that night at the hospital all the time. Those things I said to you, I don't know why I snapped like that, but I didn't mean a word of it. Thank god you came back."

He laughs slightly and I nudge him. "What?"

"When I think of us, I think back to that day in Chem when you were teasing me, do you remember?"

"Yeah," I chuckle. "Walk me through it, how did it play out in your eyes?"

"You were being fricken annoying, that's how it played out."

I laugh and squeeze his hand. "I loved you then, I just didn't realize it."

"You were intolerable," he smiles and lowers his voice trying to match my tone mockingly. "Wow. No one should look as good as you do in safety goggles. Renjun, I have to tell you something...the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. One could say we have...Chemistry together."

He giggles and I roll to a stop at a red light. Two can play at that game.

"Jeno!" I say in a high pitched voice. "Oh my god! You're literally five years old!"

Renjun punches me lightly in the arm and I start cracking up.

"I do not sound like that!" He says crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh, and I sound like Batman?" I shot back jokingly.

He tries to hide his smile but he can't help it and starts laughing.

"Okay, okay fair enough."

I chuckle myself and push the car forward and down the street.

"I think I'm gonna be okay Renjun. With you, I'm going to be okay."

"I know you will be," he says softly.

"Your secretary scheduled that appointment right?" I ask, squeezing his hand.

"Oh you mean, the one for forever? Yeah, I'm booked, forever is officially reserved for Lee Jeno."

I pause and find myself smiling uncontrollably.

"Then will you marry me?"

\- THE END -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone who read, supported, spent time and motivated me to write this. You guys are the sweetest. I love you all.


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